Decided to participate in this decades challenge even though a part of me is like well this is fucking dumb, it would really be better to do this in January and post something from 2010 January and then that first week of the new decade... which of course will probably fucking happen but I guess the fad just high lights the fact that a lot of people are looking forward to a new decade, perhaps the way I was looking forward to my own personal new decade. I went to therapy for the first time since July on Thursday. I had made the appointment the week before, and honestly I was so grateful I did because even though it was so nice to be in Pittsburgh, it also caused a lot of weird feelings to resurface.
I found myself being drawn into this Psychic Tarot shop and just let myself be in the moment and get a reading. She brought up the man I've been trying so hard to let go of, mentioning twin flames, and all this other shit that just got in my head when I really do feel like I've made progress in moving forward. This little interaction prompted me to check out social media and low and behold there was a brand new family photo and seeing it just broke me. I haven't cried that hard in a while and it was so deflating. Was nice that a friend that knows all the background told me his first thought was what a sham that all is, but I honestly just hope that he's happy.
This little decade challenge has made me think about just how much has happened in a year. While there's definitely a deep sadness still lurking, I went back to my blog from last November and right around this time I was in a much shittier place. I had let myself meet up with this man right after Halloween because I just missed him too damn much, but never told anyone in my life that I was doing it because frankly I knew they'd try to talk me out of it and I just had this overwhelming feeling of needing more time with him. A week later I went to a concert with my best friend and he got so drunk that he physically hurt me when I told him I wasn't buying him anymore drinks and then a little later in the night sexual assaulted me. When I tried to take his hands out of my pants and turn towards him to ask him what exactly he thought he was doing he just started to kiss me. We were right next to a security guard and even though I didn't want what was happening to be happening, my only thought was that if I make a scene he'll get in trouble and I don't want that. So it was as if I turned myself off and just let it happen. A week after this I was supposed to attend a Friendsgiving, the same one I have tonight, and I couldn't get out of bed. I couldn't get my mind to stop looping on the thoughts that it would be so much easier if life was just done. But I called my sister, and I called my friend that was hosting, and between them they convinced me it would be good, and so I left my house and it was worth it.
It took me nearly two months to be able to tell my friend what had happened because he didn't remember. The next three months would result in talking to the man nearly every day, seeing him the week after Thanksgiving and then saying it can't happen again, but then caving and seeing him on Christmas, and then once the new year started, definitely talking everyday and meeting up at least once a week. All this time I told no one about him, and I was still dating other people, trying so hard to accept that he didn't want to be in a relationship with me, even though what we were doing certainly had a lot of elements of that, and even though on Valentines Day he told me he loved me too. I'm not sure what I thought was going to happen, I'm not sure if part of me hoped that if he could just remember all the good of us, he'd want me back? Eventually I met someone I thought was worth it, someone I genuinely wanted to try and be in a relationship with, so for once I was the one who ended things, but it didn't matter. I still ended up feeling like I had lost him all over again and I'm sure that played a large role into why I could never feel anything for the man I started to date this past February. I kept hoping it would change... but it didn't and honestly mostly mutually, we ended things near the end of April.
So its been since April that I have tried to actually be with someone and I felt so fucking jaded and tried hard to say goodbye to the man before I went on my trip. I just so badly had this idea that coming back from that was going to be a new chapter, a better one and I needed to do what I could to wrap up these loose ends. He didn't take me up on my offer to have a goodbye and I just tried to accept that being dead to each other was for the best. When I got back from my trip I had the strongest belief that things were not done, that at some point in the future this will circle back around, but not for a while, not until a lot of things were sorted out. Having that feeling didn't make it any easier to find out he was trying again to work things out with someone else and yet again it feels like I have allowed my hurt about this situation with him, to damper the happiness I feel for everything else in my life...
I tried the apps again, but then quickly lost interest and focused on my test but the test is done, and I'm sincerely trying to be open to the idea that I can find love again. Finally met up with a guy last night after two weeks of chatting, and it was a lot of fun, but he's not over his ex. He thinks he is, but I know better...for now it'll be fun to have someone that asks about the nothings of my day, but it's not going to develop into more and I'm not sure I feel any which way about that.
"I wish I was the moon" feels like my theme song as of late and that's not really feeling like a good sign, but I know without a doubt, where I am today, is leaps and bounds ahead of where I was at last year and I have so much faith that this time next year I will again be leaps and bounds ahead of where I am now.
