Change of Seasons

Life will never cease to amaze me with how quickly things can change, and how much can happen in just under a month. I'm really grateful I listened to my gut and moved forward with the Life Coach I've been working with because her methods are more activity based and I think really helped me get out of the rut I had been in. She's big on positive affirmations and improving your self talk, but also tangible activities to help further ground what you're working on. She assigned me this burn letter activity in early October where I was supposed to write out points of what was holding me back and keeping me from growing and moving forward, and then I had to burn it. I've been well aware for a long time the biggest thing that has been blocking me from being present was my persistence in staying tethered to the past by holding on so fucking tightly to all the memories. Allowing myself to have these obsessive spurts of checking all social media, re-reading emails, scanning through our chat history and maintaining a photo album of pictures of him was providing easy access to low dose hits of my favorite drug. Almost immediately after she assigned the task, I knew I had to finally delete everything. I wasn't really ready for it, I definitely struggled with the idea of it, and I definitely had an attachment to all of it, as if it was my only proof that any of it happened and had ever been real. I cried a lot that week any time I tried to psyche myself up to do it and I listened to my Someday spotify playlist on repeat all week long. 

But during this same week I finally had a video date with the one guy that felt promising and we ended up chatting for 5 hours and scheduled an in person socially distant date for that Friday. Our Friday date ended up lasting 24 hours. It was a rollercoaster of a day and I honestly still can't get over how quickly we've fallen into the level of comfort we have with each other, there is a familiarity to it, and we both feel it. Part of me is tempted to write all about it, while it's still relatively fresh, but it's a day I'm not sure I'm ever going to forget. It's the first time since my divorce where something romantic is just easy. Every other interaction I've had over the last six years either I was still too fucked up from my marriage or things with the man, or the guy I was seeing wasn't actually emotionally available, like both parties were never fully present. While I'm obviously still processing my own trauma, I for once am no longer in that space of still longing for the man. I still miss him, and still love him, and I think finally accepted I always will, but I just am no longer stuck in that limiting belief that knowing that, means I'm doomed to feel empty for the rest of my days. The Monday morning after the date and the day of my next session where I should have done this letter burning activity I decided I still wanted to do that, but wanted to give it the full attention it deserved  and would do so on the 16th with the new moon. However being the competitive person I am and needing to feel like I made some progress since the previous one, I found the push I needed to delete it all. Six years worth of emails, chats, texts, and photos and I deleted all of it. It was kind of astounding how much there actually was to delete, reminded me that while we never reached the place of having a full blown relationship, it really was something deep. I had already blocked him on social media a few weeks prior after a session because I knew seeing anything about his now wasn't helping me to stop wondering if he's actually happy, and I have to truly accept his life is none of my business. I also decided to take down the blog that was purely dedicated to all the things I wished I could say to him. I feel so much lighter, I really do, and have realized so much of the pain I was in was out of habit. I had these habits of re-opening my fucking wound, but now even if I wanted to, I really can't to the same degree.  

During the session later that night, I ended spending a chunk of time gushing about this new guy but also saying how much I wanted to make sure I was staying grounded in reality, that I knew I had the tendency to get attached to the potential I see and get ahead of myself. My next activity was to list out all the things I really wanted in a man and it made me think about my list I made when I first got out of my marriage and shared with the man. But it also made me think about this night now almost two years ago where I had recently read something about how you have to be as specific with your intentions as possible to truly attract them and it happened to be a full moon when I was walking home from grabbing some wine and just started listing out all my favorite parts of all the men I've really loved. I want the friendship and chemistry I had with the man, I want the devotion I had with my Sailor, I want the always laughing easy going-ness of how things were with my First everything, I want the thoughtfulness and kindness that Density has always shown me, I want someone to call me out on my bullshit like Burdman does, I just want someone to share my life with and see this world with. 

Right now the way things have been with this new guy, I really think he could be all that and I'm excited to find out. Last weekend he was totally on-board to go pumpkin picking with me and my sister and her bf. If I had any friends in the area, I probably would have asked to do that with them, but she's all I have and he was comfortable with it. It was such a fun day and he really got along with my sister's bf which was incredible to see and honestly was a wild experience in general because I've never done that with my sister, she was young when I was married and wasn't focused on a relationship at the time. We ended up having dinner together and watching the Evil Dead which is SO bad it's great. We finally headed out and I thought I was taking him home and he was like I wouldn't mind another night together to which I replied well I really need to shower and clean up this kitchen if I'm going to be able to relax and without missing a beat he said "Alright well get in the shower and I'll clean the dishes." I didn't even take a long shower and when I got out he was sitting on the ottoman playing with Lady and the kitchen was clean. Multiple times now he has said how lucky he feels to have found me and tells me I'm perfect. Our conversations flow very easily and we have similar senses of humor but I definitely still don't know him, and am doing my best to acknowledge that while I'm really enjoying my time with him, and how kind and considerate he his overall but also in the bedroom, I haven't seen him interact with anyone in his life yet and my marriage really showed me how eye opening that can be in understanding who a person really is and what they care about. No matter what happens and how long this lasts, it feels like my pleas of no longer wanting to do everything alone have been answered and I will eagerly cherish however many memories I get to make with this person. We actually both went to school in Burlington and his name is the same as the professor that I made out with while engaged and should have been my fucking stop sign in getting married... There's something about it that feels full circle and we've already talked about how we'd like to take a visit to see Lake Champlain so I think for now I really like the idea of his nickname being Champlain.  

I've been home in PA for a few days for a dentist appointment, to vote, see some friends and some work stuff tomorrow. I knew this visit was coming when I had my last session and my current task is to journal about how being home makes me feel now, because during an early session I was here and was anxious af and found myself searching for the man. Coach wanted me to make note of the differences now that I'm so clearly in a different headspace. I'm definitely not anxious the same way, when I'm near where he lives I'm definitely still hyper vigilant and there's definitely parts of me still wondering if I'll bump into him, but that longing to see him is just not there the way it was. I think my ego would still like confirmation that I have not been forgotten, but the need for that validation just kinda feels like a whisper now. There's definitely still a lot of memory triggers being home, but my reaction to the memories is not such a visceral one anymore.   

I'm really just pumped to see what this next month will bring and REALLY fucking hope the Cheeto is no longer such a prominent part of the fucking news cycle. If they actually manage to do anything with campaign refinance they better have a fucking clause that you can only campaign for 6 months prior to the election, I'm so fucking fatigued with all these political ads. I hope we finally see the change in this country that is deserved.

Genuine

Welp I should definitely be sleeping already, I have to get up early to do work stuff I should have done this weekend and just didn't... I honestly thought I'd have a chance to work for a few hours tonight but I got completely sidetracked by my family. My youngest brother just tested positive. I haven't had any direct experience with COVID, just distant stories of people that someone I kinda know, knows.  My dad visited with him and my other brother on Wednesday and I saw my dad for the first time since February on Friday with my sister. At the moment, my brother thinks he was exposed after his visit with my dad, but it's hard to know, so now I'm in this weird headspace of did he give it to my dad, and have I possibly caught from my dad?? I had to come to PA for a bunch of obligations and my twin is freaking out. I've been secluded to the spare room and the basement. Based on when others have been able to make appointments, I should know rather definitively if I've been exposed by Thursday. It's definitely nerve wracking all around, wondering about how serious do I need to be about isolating and how sick will my brother get.

I think I'm here because my brain is going a mile a minute and I know I need to just get some of it out if I have any hope of getting to sleep soon. I know there's really not much I can actually do to change the situation but that acknowledgement doesn't seem to help me relax about it. Additionally I have my second session with my new counselor after work tomorrow. She's not a licensed therapist, but has other certificates and I just have a good vibe about her and the first session went well so I'm leaning into it. Our focus is healing the trauma and the pain from the off again on again mess with the man. It had been a long time since I had told the whole story especially the beginning, and how it had felt to fall for him. Most of the time now that I ever acknowledge it is in a super truncated way with romantic prospects when I explain part of why I've been single for six years. Since the first session I've been doing a lot of thinking about what is my goal, what do I want for myself in more concrete terms than just the vague "I want to be healed". I don't write in the blog dedicated to the things I wish I could say to him nearly as much as I once did and the urge has most definitely decreased in a significant way. I know that's progress for sure but in the last entry which was a little over a week ago I said that I just don't want to feel the sadness anymore and I think I need to expand on that idea more and what that means. Like if I were to ever see him again, what would be the ideal outcome of that interaction? What kind of a woman do I want to be?  I will never be able to control or anticipate his choices and actions, but I can 100% control my own. So maybe if I think about how I would like that to go down, I can more accurately identify the place I want to reach, to be able to handle that interaction the way I want to. 

There definitely have been times where I've thought of that chance, and there are moments where I want to treat him like he's nothing, the nothing he makes me feel like... others I just want him to regret his choice.  Mostly though, the idea that he could possibly interact with me like we are friends would piss me off, and I envision myself rebuking and saying something like, we are not friends, please don't put on a show like we are, which most likely would cause a little bit of a scene because the only time we'd ever run into each other again would be at a social networking type deal for my profession amongst other former colleagues. I think that reaction is very much tied into the anger I still have that he chose to no longer acknowledge my existence and the idea he would be so casual feels insulting. But that reaction would just reinforce this idea that I cause drama and I make his life harder and I'm so fucking done with that narrative especially because in all actuality that man is the one who has repeatedly chosen to re-enter my life when his life was chaos and brought his drama into mine knowing full well I loved him too much to say no. Instead I want the interaction to reflect my truth, and no matter all the pain and the hurt and my bruised ego, all of me knows my truth is that I love this man, more than I've ever loved anyone and I wanted to share my life with him more than I have ever wanted anything. I never got to a place where I believed him not to be the kind of partner that I have been holding out for, and even though he never fully chose me back in subsequent rounds, I never forgot how it felt in the beginning, and was so convinced that once he put the work in to reclaim his life, we could have that level of connection back. I would catch glimpses of it across the years, in these moments where it seemed he got out of his head enough and all the things he felt were what was expected of him, and was just there with me. It just continued to fuel my hope and belief that we were perfect for each other and it was so worth muddling through the mayhem of the circumstances. By the end of the 4th round my belief about what we could have together hadn't changed at all, but I no longer felt the we of it, I felt so fucking alone, more alone than just being on my own, and it felt clear that whatever he had to go through, I couldn't be a part of it. I want a life partner and he wasn't even open to the idea of us ever trying again and I just couldn't continue breaking my own heart. 

I think what I want is to be able to act in a way the aligns with my true feelings which are I love him, and I always will, and I just want him to be happy, even if I'm not a part of it. You don't have to be with someone or have a future with them to feel that and want that. When he thinks about me, I want him to just always know that's a person that loves me and wants what is best for me. So if that's what I want, I need to get to a place where if I ever see him again I can warmly greet him the same way I greet all the people in my life that I love but still respect the boundary that he is married. There's definitely a lot of hurt to let go of, but I really do think I could get there and I mean genuinely be in that place. I don't want to fake being nice and cordial, I want to be genuinely happy to see the face of someone I love and care about and authentically wish them well on their life endeavors. 

Cataclysmic

For a short time, this day was my wedding anniversary, now it is lovingly dubbed Liz Independence Day thanks to my sister. Typically she and I will make a weekend out of it, but it's a Monday this year and I have a board meeting tonight... I'd say I celebrated my independence by taking myself out on a date this Saturday. Was up relatively early for a weekend, I've been doing that lately, going to bed closer to my weekday bedtime has been a good move. Headed down to Canton and checked out the waterfront park and read for a bit, then got myself some ice cream from Coldstone for the first time in forever, hit up the grocery store so I could make some homemade pesto and made myself a little pizza and watched the latest episode of The Boys. That show is super enjoyable, so gloriously graphic and irreverent. 

After being there for a bit looking around I looked up and realized I was reading in front of Pier 16, one of my favorite numbers, and it just felt like a little nod from the universe that I was exactly where I was supposed to be. It was genuinely such a nice day in the sun and exciting to wear my jean jacket for the first time in a while.

I got some new sunglasses. I had attempted for them to be my first ever prescription sunglasses but Lenscrafters called to inform me that I'm so fucking blind that the lens were too fat to fit in these Ray Bans. I liked them too much not to still buy them, but their computer system was down and the lady felt bad for me and said she was going to work some magic and said I didn't have to pay for them! I'm pretty she sure made a mistake with that because I picked out other frames for the prescription sunglasses but as of now I got killer shades for free. 

Almost finished reading Ibram X. Kendi's book about how to be an Antiracist that I've been in a book club with some board members. It's been eye opening for sure and I'm really glad we were all willing to read it with such intentionality and discuss its impact and our lived experiences with each other.

Ya'll oreo cookies mashed in their creamy mint is *chef's kiss*

The first flowers I bought in MD stayed in my office, these I bought on impulse at the grocery store because it was all my favorite fall colors!

Homemade pesto with onions, peppers, and mushrooms.

The lighting in my bathroom made the purple REALLY stand out. I'm thoroughly enjoying it, but I definitely have a bit of a mullet going on. I can't wait to shave off the one side and the underneath.

Lady says cheers!

I'm genuinely really happy with my life, but it's definitely wild to acknowledge that had I chosen to stay, I would be celebrating 8 years of marriage and most definitely would be a mother by now. When there's so much of me that genuinely wants to have a life partner and to be a mom, I thought I'd be more bummed today but I'm not at all, it's just another day. I got back on that dating horse and reactivated my profiles and the first week there was a lot of matches, a handful of people I've chatted with, had three dates set up and everyone bailed for one reason or another. I'm not putting a whole lot of effort into it, there's one person that seems promising but I'm really trying to be conscious this time about not allowing myself to get attached to the potential I see versus staying grounded in the reality of the current circumstances. 

Apricot called me Saturday and we talked for an hour while I was putting groceries away and then making myself dinner. It was really nice to catch up, we have had these catch up chats like every 6 months or so since I left Pittsburgh. I'm really happy that we're in that similar place I've reached with my first love, where it's known that we're rooting for each other's happiness and that contact is welcomed and will be warmly received. It's been a very long time since I've felt loved and appreciated in a romantic context so his kind words about my positive impact on his life and the lessons he learned was genuinely very uplifting to hear. He was telling me about the woman he had been seeing for much of the last year and how similar some of their trajectory was to ours, again he has found himself involved with someone who isn't actually emotionally available, but it seems there's a higher chance that they could eventually make something work.

It prompted me to acknowledge that I too seem to have this tendency to attract people who can't actually choose me back and that in these situations we tell ourselves if I love them enough, if I'm patient enough, understanding enough, they will see this and be grateful and love me back. However the fatal flaw with that line of thought is believing that love has to be earned, when in reality love is deserved in all of our variations and if you're in something where it feels like you have to earn their love, you gotta nope the fuck out. After I said it to him, I knew I was saying something that I also needed to hear and be reminded of... it was definitely a very therapeutic conversation, especially to hear a voice so familiar and that I associate with being cared for. 

This past week was not great for Buddah though, and I honestly am not sure about the future of her current relationship and I realized I could not really offer unbiased advice, the situation is too much like my marriage. I ended up telling her to reach out to the man, that he'd be able to give the perspective of deciding to stay and work through things when they're really bad. She acknowledged that she hadn't even thought of that but agreed it was probably worth doing. I'm so curious though now to know what his advice would be, I think perhaps there are still parts of me looking for confirmation he's truly happy and hasn't just settled. Hard to know the truth, so  I'm just trying to focus more on the fact that his life is none of my business and no matter the past and all our history, now is all that counts, and right now, we're strangers. 

I still have the desire to know him though and I'm really not sure if that feeling will ever really go away, but as it stands now, there is no longer a part of me that wants to reach out. There's nothing left to say at this point, honestly a weird fucking feeling for me, but it's true. The only thing I can do now is to love from afar and respect that he has chosen a life without me. I have to stop reinforcing my internal narrative that he is the love of my life, and acknowledge he was a cataclysmic love that changed me to my core and opened my eyes to what unconditional love really means. I have been so afraid that I was doomed to feel a little bit empty for the rest of my days because no one else would ever be him completely ignoring the fact that I am still me. I acknowledged it once before, that this loving heart of mine that knows how to love that deeply still knows how to do that, but I think so much of me was still convinced I would never feel as understood as I always did by him. A phrase that I've used before is to feel understood is to not feel so alone and in repairing my relationship with my twin, and focusing on the relationship I have with myself, I don't feel the same kind of loneliness I once did. I have a sense that a partner is still a while off for me and while I absolutely miss companionship, I think being too eager for it is what led to the recent heartbreak from this summer and being triggered back to all the times I lost the man. 

I'm officially open to the idea of meeting someone, but finally it no longer feels like my primary focus and that feels like a really great fucking headspace to be in.  

No Answers

No progress on the new therapist front and I need to put it higher on the list of shit I need to do. I'm recognizing my patterns of depression... the binging show after show, the not eating regular meals at consistent times, the total lack of a sleep schedule and the general apathy. Forced myself to participate in the Friday group videochat with girls from grad school even though part of me wanted to bail. I'm glad I did for sure, I need to do more of that. Other times in my life where I knew I was allowing myself to wallow in the sad things I would distract myself with sports and activities but that's really fucking hard to do right now. Right now I can go like an entire week without actually spending time outside and that has certainly not been fucking good for me and my sanity. However I went for a super short run outside yesterday, it felt good, first time I ran since maybe April? My average daily steps have dropped to like 3,000 and my sleep has dipped below 6 hours...I've been taking naps but like not the helpful kind. Instead it's the ones that cause you to stay up too late and not actually correct your fucking sleep schedule. I still have not really made any head way in studying and it's hard to even understand why not when I know so well that this isn't the kind of thing you can wing and that without passing this test I can't move forward in my career. 

I don't know what the fuck I'm doing right now I just know that I'm not being a very loving person to myself. I'm not doing any of the things I should be doing to continue making this life of mine one that I want. I think that's why I am here tonight because yea I should probably be in bed already or maybe even doing some work stuff if I'm not sleepy, but a part of me knows if I don't take the time to sit and think through all of this and figure out what the fuck is going on with me, how am I going to fix it? How do I make it better? Why am I purposefully and knowingly sabotaging myself? Why do I allow my emotions to derail me so significantly? Why don't I seem to possess the discipline I so clearly need to become the version of myself I know I want and can be? 

I don't have any answers I just know that I think I've finally reached a breaking point with myself, and I'm sick of my own shit. I'm sick of being sad about losing someone that I never actually had. I'm sick of this story I keep telling myself that I'm good for the fun stuff but not the building a life with when there is quite literally always someone trying to be with me. It's frustrating I don't seem to reciprocate with the ones who actually want to try, but I have to fucking acknowledge that their existence and persistence in some makes this narrative I've been allowing to fester null and void. I talked to Shiloh on the phone on Friday, he has been seeing someone and yet the majority of the time he was telling me about her he kept comparing how it was with us and I honestly wasn't sure how I was supposed to be reacting. I wasn't sure if I was meant to be jealous and to say yea we were good for each other stop bothering with her or what. I was mostly drained when we talked, being home for a few days and interacting with way more people than I have been was a lot on my system. I don't know where his head is really at, but I know I've done a decent job at no longer considering him an option and moving him back to the friends basket and I don't think anything about right now makes me want to reconsider that. He's still in such fucking limbo in nearly every facet of his life and I'm tired of having to manage other people's feelings. The actor ghosted me after I was very blunt about how triggering the dynamic had become for me and low and behold, him ignoring me triggered me even more. To this day I can't understand how the man could just stop acknowledging my existence but at the same time I do? It's confusing...like I get that my existence and interaction with me only complicates his life, but no matter all the shitty aspects of all our history across the years, I know I could never be capable of ignoring him, or ever pretending I didn't care. I know part of why the lack of motivation and focus has been worse lately is due to being triggered back to all of this, so perhaps I have more concerted work to do on how do I actually let go of this because clearly I haven't. 

I know there's lingering feelings of the outcome of it all being unfair, but is that objectively true? When I sit in that feeling of unfairness it's because I don't think I ever got the chance to truly be with the man and there's this voice that says if I had, if I had been given more than a few months of regular contact, cuz that's all I ever got during each of the 4 stints, just a few months, and they were always in secret, some to a lesser degree, but still never anything fully out in the world, that maybe he could have had the chance to see everything I could see when I pictured our future. I think a part of me still believes that if he could have seen how different a relationship with me was from what he had resigned himself to, he would have chosen me. However, objectively, me feeling like it's unfair I never got that chance is kinda bullshit because if I was playing fair and by the rules of marriage, I'd have never interacted with him like that at all. I think I reject that aspect of it because it sucks being reduced down to nothing more than a mistake because somehow that causes me to feel less than enough when the very gift he gave me after my marriage was feeling like being just me was more than enough. I think it's that contradiction that fucks with my head and makes it hard to process everything that has happened over the past six years. Way back when it started, he played a major role in helping me see my worth again, but by the end of this back and forth hellscape I felt more worthless than I had in my marriage. I hate even admitting that now because somehow I still think the world of this man yet I have to acknowledge his actions have caused me immense pain. Yet how much of his actions are truly reprehensible and how much of the hurt is because I had expectations that weren't grounded in the reality of the situation and the circumstances. It's hard for me to fully explore that, it's hard not to be biased. He always tried to be honest with me, he didn't always do a great job of actually expressing what he was going through, and how he felt, but in his own fucked up way I know he tried to protect me from himself. Part of me knows he genuinely believed he was a dead end for me and would never be able to give me what he thought I deserved. I don't think he ever fully grasped how hard it is for me to feel like myself around others, to not feel like I'm trying, like I'm putting on a show to a degree. As I've gotten older I definitely have managed to find more people where it doesn't feel like I have to try all that much, but I've yet to come across a connection that felt like the one with him. With him I just existed and I don't really have another way of putting it. I think that's a big part of why I don't like how things ended with him just no longer responding and never a goodbye and feeling like nothing more than a mistake, because I once believed how he made me feel about myself, I did the same for him and this mutuality was so important to me and how things stand now it makes it difficult to believe that. I think that I have the need to believe it was real because if it wasn't, what am I holding out for? I got a glimpse of it with this actor guy, but again he has disappeared and I feel like none of it actually happened and it makes me feel a little crazy to be honest. If none of it was real, what the fuck have I been doing for 6 years?!?! Like what has been the point to all of this and why do I need there to be a reason? When I asked him why he had been hanging out with me during the 4th stint that I didn't understand the point of it when he kept saying he didn't want a relationship and yet we talked every day and hung out once a week and he had even told me he loved me, he said that he was doing it because it was fun and that it was as pointless as everything else. This was during the conversation that would result in me asking for space and acknowledging I needed to just be friends and then it would quickly turn into him ignoring me. I remember worrying shortly after this that perhaps he was depressed, and maybe he was, cuz that sentiment that everything is pointless resonates right now. 

I feel like I'm rambling now and I'm not sure if this was productive, I don't really feel like I have any more answers but perhaps just acknowledging I have all these questions is enough for now. I think I wanted the actor to be this answer, to really allow me to move foward from everything with the man and instead it has brought all of the pain and hurt right back to the surface. I've cried myself to sleep the last three nights actually and instead of wishing none of it had happened, I found myself wishing I could be me six years ago just for a second so I could feel the rush of it all again when he kissed me for the first time. There have been moments when I feel myself getting sad about the loss of it all where I tell myself that maybe it's over now but those moments happened and they will exist for eternity and take solace in that. Shiloh showed me I was capable of actually letting myself see a future with someone else again and the actor showed me there are people out there that share even more common interests than I had with the man and how fun that can be, and even though both of them also hurt me, and I'm clearly still dealing with the other hurts they have triggered, I think at my core I feel the most optimistic I ever have that I really do still have an epic love waiting for me.

Still just dreaming...

Welp I must have fucking jinxed myself cuz honestly only a few days after that last post I had a ridiculously long Thursday where I accidentally locked myself out after trying to get a better signal on a work call and then being worried about Lady getting out and then quickly closing the front door with nothing in hand aside from my work cell and my notebook...which means I didn't even have my sister's number and my mom's is the only one I know by heart these days lol. After being locked out for four hours and utilizing instagram dms and my work phone thankfully lasting long enough before dying, my sister's best friend that lives pretty close to me grabbed me and we went to my sister's to help her pack and I could grab my spare keys. I finally get home a little after ten and I have video messages in facebook messenger from "my peace" *largest fucking eyeroll humanly possible* telling me that he has nothing to give and that while I think he's right for me, I'm not right for him right now because he's not even right with himself. I've gotta be some kind of a fucking magnet for men who are just not emotionally available...and clearly so over eager to have a person in my life I'm not picking up on the signs that have to fucking be there that it's not actually mutual. I've felt pretty fucking deflated the last week and a half. 

We talked more this past Monday night on the phone for a few hours and he apologized profusely for not waiting to tell me all that in person and that he just had to acknowledge that he clearly has some PTSD from his last relationship and needs to get into therapy. We agreed to get lunch together the next day and I felt so much better as soon as I saw him and we hugged for a very long time. Lunch was nice, the banter was still there, he even kissed me... I didn't want things to be over, I was excited to actually fucking try again, and said that I'm happy to go as slow as he needs to, but things feel weird. I just don't understand how things changed so quickly. I felt so blindsided and it certainly fucking triggered me back to when the man would do this to me, I would get that feeling in the pit of my stomach something was wrong and then wham out of nowhere he'd quit on me again and push me away entirely. I feel so much like I did with the man in general now,  especially when I really didn't know where I stood, and what I meant to him, and if he wanted to see me and should I reach out? Just so much fucking over thinking. I hate this. I hate the way it makes me feel about myself. I just want to be enough. I want someone to want to try as much as I do...it feels like I am even more sad right now than I have been because I got a glimpse again of what it's like to have someone. Right now we said that we would focus on ourselves until I take my PE in mid September and he gets into regular therapy but things aren't over. Honestly though I can't tell if there's anything worth salvaging...

I'm struggling to determine how much of what I'm feeling right now is directly related to the current circumstances and how much is just all the years of being in a fucked up limbo like this with the man and how much it hurt and it's being triggered hard core. The man came back and left again so many times that when I didn't hear from him for a few days or so, or it was just super stunted conversations, it was SO fucking hard not to jump to the worst conclusions, it made me a crazy and dramatic person. I know my reactions to all that made things more difficult than they needed to be, but I can't be that hard on myself because he never gave me the reassurance that it was safe. If things are going to make it any longer with... ugh I can't even call him my peace right now...actor feels more fucking accurate cuz I honestly don't even know how much of any of it was real...I definitely need some extra reassurances. Cuz that last sentence shows where I'm at, I don't trust any of it anymore and it sucks because I want to. I want to believe that just like I've experienced across the years, as I've started to let someone new in, issues from my marriage have often been triggered and it's a process to be aware, and to not project on to someone new. I told him that I am in full support of therapy and that it will really help him, but that there are some things that can't be fully healed from unhealthy relationships until you're in a healthy one and that he doesn't have to go through this alone. At the same time though, I remember how I felt after the man ended things on his birthday in 2018 where the core of the conversation was that he wasn't ready for a relationship, he didn't have the capacity for it. We talked about pretending things were still long distance, to relieve the pressure but I quickly understood you can't force someone to be ready. So I said we could be friends, but he became cold and talking felt so forced, and eventually he just stopped responding. That's basically how things went in March of 2019 as well when I asked for space and again said we can try friendship... it honestly still blows my mind that someone I had such a deep connection with and had so many intense memories with across 5 years was cool to just ghost me in the end, never an actual goodbye. That's my biggest why from all that, why didn't I deserve a goodbye? Or an acknowledgement of what we were or that I mattered to him? 

So clearly I triggered the actor, and this dynamic right now is triggering me, so is there hope? Is there a point to interacting right now when it doesn't feel easy anymore? It feels measured and calculated. I'm finding myself sending way more illicit photos, using my sexual energy to try and draw him back in and I don't think that's a good sign. It's making me feel a tad desperate and fuck that. I haven't heard from him all day today even though I know he has off. I texted him a cheeky photo this morning wishing him a good day and nothing. I'm trying to just tell myself he told me he was taking the day for himself, but I have that same sinking feeling that things are off...I want to give him the benefit of the doubt, I want to believe that we truly did click the way I felt we had and that this is just a part of the process of letting someone in after you've been deeply hurt. I stalked through his facebook a tad last week and he has a whole album dedicated to this girl. He really fucking loved her, and it feels clear he had hoped she was his forever. You would think all the hurt my heart has felt I would have learned to not jump all the way in so fucking quickly but I just don't seem to work that way. The awkward yeti comics about the brain and the heart always make me think about the man and myself. I am so very much that fucking heart and the brain always reminded me of him. I've been thinking about him more, not only because things with the actor have been triggering, but it's that time of year where I can never seem to escape the memories of how we started. I wonder if he still thinks about me at all...

What I hate the most about right now is that being sad about this shit has also impacted my capacity to be a decent employee... I've been crying a lot and needing to escape into other worlds and thusly binging through a lot of shows. I fucking hate that though, because work is one of those aspects of my life where I like my job, and not doing well at it is all on me and I've been distracted enough the last two years because of shit with my twin. But the fact that our society likes to pretend that your work life and home life are these two distinct things is bullshit. We are all human and our lives are just our lives and work is a big chunk of it, but your emotional life, that doesn't just have a switch, especially if you're someone like me who feels a lot and deeply. Yet all I keep hearing is the man telling me I'm the least disciplined person he's ever met and I make him sick.  He said that after I had owned up to telling a co-worker of ours about our history and he was majorly pissed at me... but even though I've been trying to work on being more disciplined I still feel like a piece of shit right now. It's seriously been making me wonder if I love my job as much as I believe I do...if I did, wouldn't it be easier to stay motivated to do it even though I'm sad? 

I truly love living alone, but it's a lot more isolating in the time of COVID and now that I don't have the actor making plans and breaking up that isolation, my sister is really the only option but I'm trying to give her space as she gets acclimated to living with her bf. I'm not doing particularly great right now and perhaps it's time I find a new therapist... maybe something remote so that the next time I move (cuz who the fuck knows when it comes to my life) I won't have to start over again. Blah is how I feel and just jealous of me from the last entry. She was legit happy, and it really was nice to experience that after so long of just dreaming about it.     

Safe

I don't know why I think I can experiment with weed... Yesterday was literally the best day I've had in a VERY long time. My peace came over Saturday night and we hung out, went food shopping, then grabbed a pizza, came home and watched the old guard. Super enjoyable, highly recommend. Went to bed, and then attempted to get up somewhat early to head to the beach!!! It was glorious. He loves the beach as much as I do and we had a great time chatting and listening to music during the drive there. One of his best friends was also at the beach that day and so we sat near him and I got to meet him. We spent probably 5 hours maybe a little more soaking up the rays and hopping in and out of the water. The only annoying part was the fact that there was a shit ton of crab larva in the ocean and they seemed very dedicated to finding their way into my bathing suit. 

We eventually decided we were going to go get some dinner and then come back for the sunset and then head home. Of course right before dinner we decided it was the perfect time to smoke these medical grade joints he brought. I really didn't think I did that much, I tried to be measured but I went back to that place I've been going to the last handful of times I've gotten super high. I definitely leave this world... maybe even this time? I come in and out of awareness of where I am and what's going on all the while my brain is tying together all of these things that have been happening in the world and my life and making all these connections and it's overwhelming for sure but it's also always these very healing experiences. Everytime there's this vague awareness that I'm old, old enough to have long gray hair, and I'm on a beach, it's a party for me, it's my birthday, and there's live music, and all my favorite people are there and they've been waiting for me to join in on the fun. Waiting for me to get it. Whatever it is. And every time I get this high and the process begins I feel like I'm closer and closer to understanding whatever it is I'm supposed to be grasping. Everytime I've had an initial feeling of panic that it's the end, the world is ending and this is it, which then will quickly turn into no, it's just my time, and then I'm convinced I'm about to die. In some bizarre way. Like the first time this happened I thought I was going to be struck by lightening while in Miami. This last time, I thought we were going to get into a car accident... But I remember having a moment looking out at the beautiful sunset as we drove home thinking that while there's so much left I want to do, if my time is up, and this was my last day, well damn it was a fucking great day and I'm ok with that.

I was definitely embarrassed as fuck to have had an episode like that with someone I've only known for six weeks. Every other time has been with people I've known for years or my whole life. He was such a champ and truly took care of me and assured me it wasn't anything to be worried about.  I kept having this overwhelming feeling that whatever I've been waiting for, it is now and my only job is to learn to trust and believe it will all play out how it should. At first I thought it meant the man was coming back to me, that I could see him again, touch him, talk to him, finally understand why we have become nothing more than strangers. There were moments where I thought he was the man though...I definitely said his name out loud. There's obviously still parts of me that wish that had all worked out but today as I was contemplating over some of the internal conversations I had while high and everything my peace and I chatted about on the drive home I had this moment where I thought about the man and thanked him for wanting more for me than I wanted for myself. I'm falling in love again and it's incredible to feel all this again while it's also completely it's own unique experience. While we sat on the beach in our beach chairs feeling the sun and the sound of the ocean in the background holding hands I had the fleeting thought that I'm going to be doing this until I'm old and gray. I think perhaps the now feeling was that I am exactly where I've been wishing to be for so long. I'll be thrilled if that fleeting thought turns out to be true, but for now it's just nice to feel genuinely happy all the way through. At one point after I had rambled he held me and told me I wasn't disposable and that I don't have to feel that way ever again. He makes me feel safe, safer than I have in a long long time. I've had moments across these years with the various men I've dated where I felt that hint of safeness for a little while I was with them physically, but this is different because my heart feels safe too. 

The Beginning

I've got those anxious/excited butterflies and they're going to be with me all day, I can just tell. I've had three in person dates with the man I matched with on OkC, all outside and we both got COVID testing so he's coming to my place tonight and I'm super pumped. I've been really stressed out this week, having my twin here all last week was nice, but also a lot. Been worrying about him since I dropped him back off and just found out from my sister that since the landlords aren't taking anything serious, the rest of the roommates decided not to renew the lease and he needs to move out by the end of the month. He hasn't told me this yet and wasn't responsive this week which is probably part of the reason why I've been more worried. This is how he gets though, something stressful that is outside of his control happens, and he shuts down completely. I know he doesn't want to move in with our folks, but I think it's his only option right now and I don't think it'll be bad for him, especially while he figures out what's next for him. It's wild how different our lives are...

I can't help but recognize that today marks six years from the day I left my sailor. That means things have officially been over for as long as they lasted. This day two years ago I also got the tattoo for the man on my rib cage. I've actually not shared a photo of it on my social media, I think it felt too personal to do so which is an odd thing for me to feel when there is a big part of me that prides myself on being open.

I remember when I shared with my mom what it said, and by this point it was my 9th tattoo which I kinda love since 9 is the end of a cycle. She was upset, said that she thought she had failed me, that something must be wrong that I'm marring my body. I told her that I wasn't marring my body, that they're my story, that they're beautiful and I'm proud of them, that they're an outward way to show the things I've overcome, the things I've accomplished and the things that make me, me.  The poem is by Beau Taplin and it is titled the Awful Truth. It had been six months since the last time we had kissed and 4 years since I restarted my life and it felt like the perfect day to get this quote that meant so much to me. The act of getting it has always reminded me of a quote by another writer that I love, Emina Gaspar-Vrana, that says:

"I kept your name,

it is engraved on my chest forever -

to make every heartbeat remind me of

the love I am capable of giving

and the loss I am capable of surviving."

I didn't know there would be one last round with the man ahead of me, but it was one that was needed, it was the one that shattered the idea of him I had idolized and it gave me the chance to step away of my own accord even though giving up on our someday was the last thing I wanted to do. I think I will always have days when the sadness I feel about how things played out will overcome all the things I have to be grateful for and that's ok. While I've logically always known those days weren't indicative of my overall healing, I think I truly believe it now and instead choose to view those days as the proof of how deeply I loved, even though these days I know I never really knew him, I was never given the chance to. 

I knew Shiloh at a much deeper level and even that had barely gone deeper than the surface, and of course in my life, the Saturday I picked up my brother he reached out to tell me he wanted to try. I could barely process it to be honest and I really tried to separate myself from the budding feelings I was having for this new guy, to really evaluate if that wasn't going on, what would I want. I should have wanted to see him while I was home over the 4th of July to bring my twin back, but I didn't, I wanted to avoid and eventually we ended up chatting via instagram even though I really do think he deserved an in-person conversation. I genuinely didn't feel confident that he wanted to be with me for me...too many times he didn't want to try across our history together, so why now? How much is due to knowing we're in a pandemic and it'll be a while before he'll feel comfortable meeting new people? Frankly he also should be just focusing on getting himself and his life to a place where he's happy with it, and I said as much. But also I knew that part of why I had wanted to try was because it was easy. It felt easy to be with someone who knew me, and all my shit and I didn't have to hide anything. But I don't have to hide anything with this new guy either and for the first time in the longest time everything feels mutual in an equal measure.

I want to be all in on trying again, no matter how long it lasts, I just want to try. I am so hopeful for the future of it, but right now it's fun, and I need and deserve fun. If he ends up being everything that I've been holding out for I'm going to find it hilarious that his name literally means "Peace". My life has been chaos since my childhood and I've really tried to work on making better decision the last few years to avoid drama, and that sure as shit is still a work in progress, but I'm ready for some peace in my life. I have associated this day with endings for many years now and I hope now it becomes the memory of a beginning. 

Exactly

I honestly don't even know where to start, I've needed to write for days now but I'm also trying so hard to be better with getting work done during normal hours and continuing to unpack and get my place situated. Today started off pretty decent with actually going to bed at a decent time last night and getting up when my alarm went off. Managed to get through all my morning stuff and other random things and start working by 9 ish. I was doing fine and finally broke for a late lunch when I got a text from my twin that started off with "I should have moved to Baltimore with you when I had the chance". Apparently his roomie's bathroom had ANOTHER issue and is above his closet and literal water started pouring through the light fixtures and other places on the second floor. I ended up calling him immediately and was on the phone for like an hour. He's not doing well at all, this pandemic has not helped any of his issues and it's proving increasingly difficult to get him back on health insurance. They wouldn't let him make use of the tax credit for the new plan until he proved he didn't qualify for Medicaid, yet medicaid is taking forever to process him and just recently asked him for proof of being so poor and he was like I don't have any recent pay stubs to show them, I haven't been working for months! I told him his bank statements should be enough... but of course the conversation quickly moved on to his anger with our dad and I don't blame him. I wish I made enough where I could take care of his health insurance and we didn't even need my dad...

He basically acknowledged that he doesn't think the living situation is going to get any better, that the building was shottily put together and even though they've had maintenance out several times, they never seem to actually fix anything. When I asked him about possibly moving in with our folks for a little he said absolutely not.  I told him that if he wants to move, and possibly back to the Baltimore area, now would be the time do it instead of finally getting insurance again and then having to transfer it to another state. We brainstormed some potential options with our cousin in DC with her three boys having already offered to let either one of us stay with her and her family, to my other cousin whose mom passed this past fall who is currently pregnant with her second and will definitely need some long term help. He has always been good with kids but he said that he's anxious about those potential setups with how much he's currently using weed to manage his anxiety. Additionally the girl he's been in an on again off again never a full blown anything (yep we truly are twins) recently told him she still loves him but is no longer in love with him. He told me "I don't want be here anymore, I don't want to be anywhere". I begged him not to give up and said I don't want to be here without him and I promised I'd never give up on him. I told him I was heading home to PA this Saturday for a day trip for Shazz's baby's 1st birthday. I'm gonna grab my twin first, head to the party, and then bring him back to Baltimore for however long he needs to be here. It's an indescribable feeling to feel so helpless when all you want to do is take the pain away from someone you love so deeply. 

I've been somewhat down and lost in thought since last week honestly. The 20th marked a year since the last time I've seen the man's face and I couldn't help but wonder if he was aware of that fact. He truly is starting to feel like just a part of my past and I know that it's how it should be progressing as I continue to process all that it was, but it definitely still brings my heart sadness. However the week of my birthday that match maker site I sat down for an interview with now two years ago reached out with a special deal for my birthday, $500 off their services and asked if I wanted to have an update interview. I had already been back on my OkC account earlier that week after getting a similar email from them and some warning of my account being inactive for too long... I figured why not, what could it hurt. I actually super enjoyed the conversation with the match maker and while I think I previously had a good idea about what I'm after some of her pointed questions allowed me to vocally admit I no longer care about a lot of the things I thought someone right for me would need to have, such as a college degree or a certain level of income or whatever. I basically said I am self sufficient, I'm not looking for someone to support me and my lifestyle and whatever, would it be nice if they had a great job and extra money, sure, but neither of those things speak to someone's character and what truly matters to them. I want a true partner, someone wanting to walk next to me and we're there for each other if we need it, but we're perfectly content and capable all on our own. She ended up telling me their services for 3 months were $6,300!!! I think I snorted on the phone haha but I am still glad I had the conversation cuz I feel like it lead to me being open to one of the guys I matched with on OkC that kinda resembles the man but with a kinder face if that makes sense, who doesn't have a degree, works as a medical marijuana distributor, and is an aspiring actor. We ended up having a video chat on my birthday and quickly lost track of time I was enjoying the easy flow of conversation that much. We agreed we were both interested in a social distance date in the near future when our schedules aligned. I went to bed feeling super optimistic about life.

Well last week I was in PA for two days for field work and such and Shiloh had offered me an extra one of his drills to have so I could install a hanging book shelf and other things. I was planning just to drop by when I had a chance, but he ended up asking if I wanted to come for dinner and that his parents said it was fine and that he had grabbed all the ingredients for homemade dumplings. How do you say no to dumplings? As soon as I got to the front door he gave me a big hug. We hadn't touched each other since the end of April. It felt so nice to embrace like that and then over the next twenty minutes or so he would just randomly hug me. Eventually we were standing in his room, showing me the latest arrangement and then hugged me from behind and then began kissing my neck and I melted. As I let out a gasp of satisfaction I mumble asked if this was a good idea and he said he didn't care and turned me to face him and kissed me fiercely. The whole thing was such a surprise but incredibly satisfying but when we first started making out I couldn't help but think about this new guy and battling internally if any of what was happening meant anything. I still don't really know if it meant anything to be honest and I've been too chicken shit to ask him outright. Like yea I went there to get a drill and ended up getting drilled (and yes I made that awesome pun out loud while in his bed cuz I'm hilarious and cracking myself up is a top priority always) but that doesn't mean we're back together,  how could we be, we were never even dating to begin with. But I'm struggling to determine how much of my fear of asking is cuz maybe I don't want it to mean something because I already went through the process of letting go of that potential, I did my crying and I'm really happy here in MD and I've only told my sister that I ended up signing a two year lease cuz I got a discount and fuck having to move again so soon. I don't know what to think cuz I can clearly remember that last night in April sitting at my desk on the video chat with former colleagues and looking over at him sitting on my couch and thinking to myself how much I already cared about him, how much I liked him being there in my space, how much I loved telling my friends a little about him, and how easily I could picture a future and falling in love again. How do all of those feelings feel so far away now? I'm sure part of it is cuz I definitely went through the process of thinking about all the reasons why it was best it hadn't worked out and the biggest reason was that I don't need another man in my life that needs saving. I think the emotional phone call with my twin just reiterated that for me. I tried hard to get back into work mode and failed miserably cuz I'm worried and want an answer as to how to make things better for him. 

I don't know how to proceed in regards to Shiloh, I honestly don't especially cuz he has been struggling extra hard the last month or two with his own anxiety and depression and I certainly would not want to make shit worse. While I was with him last Wednesday he kinda intimated at one point that he hoped I was only being intimate with him and I didn't really acknowledge it or respond and then at one point I thought he might have said that he loved me but I decided there was no way and it must have been my exhausted mind making shit up cuz I had gotten up at 5:30 that day to drive to PA and was seriously fading after our extracurricular activities.  I think you can love and be attracted to someone and yet still not be compatible matches for the long term but I can't comfortably say that we don't have that compatibility I just know my desire to explore the possibility of it is just about gone even though for a few months there, the opportunity to explore that was all that I hoped for...why is timing such a bitch?

Well most of the recent photos in my camera roll are of my new place and my own ingenuity when I had to install the hanging book shelf on my 15 foot high wall haha I haven't finished unpacking quite yet, a few things left but it's so close!

Also I decided to try Keto cuz I read up about it quite a lot the last few months out of curiosity and the science behind it is super cool and also joined weight watchers after watching my sister lose 30 pounds and she looks fucking awesome. I thought having a little outside accountability would help me stick to better habits.  I would like to lose like 10 pounds, not a crazy amount, but my lack of activity hasn't been great and I haven't figured out where is a good place to run yet where I'm at and May was stupid stressful with the move so it's been about two months *eyeroll* 

So I made keto friendly chili (so no beans or corn)

And also made zucchini noodles for the first time with shrimp, spinach, and cherry tomatoes and some parmesan, It was bomb.

And the only photo from my birthday, we had crabs!

I don't really know how things are going to unfold for me, but I do know I have such a strong feeling I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be and that's enough for right now.

Struggling

I'm struggling in this moment. I should already be in bed attempting to get to sleep. I should have tried to catch up on some of my work stuff I'm still trailing behind on due to lack of focus leading up to and during the move. Instead I found myself wallowing and reading through old emails and such with the man. I was in PA today for a few hours with my sister to celebrate our step father's birthday, but to also have my mom take us to Sam's club so I could get some supplies for the new office, some stuff for me, and stop by Ikea to pick up the book shelf I ordered. I ended up spending some time in Conshy cuz of the Ikea run and while moving has been stressful I've overall felt really relieved to be here and being in that area reminded me why. I guess perhaps it could come off as dramatic, but I was diagnosed with PTSD from everything with the man back in grad school, and the harshest blow from that was yet to come. So it makes sense that whenever I'm around where he lives, and the office building we used to share, I don't feel safe. From a statistical standpoint, I'm definitely not physically safer in Baltimore than I was on the main line outside of Philly, but I feel safer here. There are no memories of him here in this space, or in this city, and I know that's a good thing for me. I'm definitely still processing the disappointment that he didn't respond to my checking in, it's so difficult to not take that personally, to not feel like I'm nothing. 

Shiloh ended up helping me move and was honestly a life saver, bringing over extra boxes and helping pack up loose things. The movers called Friday afternoon saying they were coming the next morning instead of Sunday. I was not prepared. Not at all. I ended up pulling an all nighter and then had to spend the night at my folks. They weren't scheduled to deliver my stuff until Monday the first, but as my mom and I were driving back to my place to finish packing the last little things and clean it up, they called asking if they could come that day. Last weekend was definitely very stressful, and this week was a blur. I still have a lot of unpacking to do and didn't do much at all on that front this weekend. Instead I went to the Black Lives Matter protest with my sister and her boyfriend and another friend of hers. I'm so glad I went, it was very moving and felt more tangible than the donations I've made. Definitely still need to put the work in to make sure I'm actively dismantling the biases I still harbor and saying something when I witness others saying or doing something that perpetuates those biases. One memorable part was when we shouted a call and response chant of "HANDS UP! DON'T SHOOT" and I thought about how many times have people of color followed those orders, said those words, and it didn't fucking matter. I'm pretty disappointed our weekly video messages from upper management didn't acknowledge what has been going at all. I have my first meeting coming up for this panel I was appointed to at work that's nine people that are meant to meet with senior management and have monthly discussions about various topics and be groomed for future leadership roles. I definitely plan on asking why we remained silent and what actionable items the company plans to take to show they acknowledge the issues stemming from systemic racism and how they're trying to combat them. My sister and I talked today on the drive back to MD about looking into local organizations to volunteer with. I'm glad I signed up for a monthly donation, but I want to do something else that helps ensure I don't just go back to my regular life of privilege being oblivious to all this...

After the march I was exhausted cuz I stayed up all night watching the entirety of the newest season of 13 Reasons Why. I very much associate that show with the man, I can't watch it without wondering if he has watched it too and what he thought. However this season the main character caused me to think about Shiloh and his anxiety a lot. I was so thankful for him during the move, but it was also hard to be aware of all these feelings his presence was invoking. I felt this pull to him, I wanted to touch him badly, and not just in a sexual way even though that was the strongest feeling, I just wanted to be in his arms. I'm struggling with how to move forward from that situation. I have no desire to be in a weird limbo with someone again with a "maybe someday" looming.  I know that determining if someone is a good match for you and worth the effort of a committed relationship takes time. I just want to meet someone who can get to that place with me of waning to try. I'm always game to try, always giving things a chance, always trying to recognize that what I need may not end up being what I've always thought I've wanted.  Seeing a potential future since my divorce has now only happened twice and I really am dreading having to put myself out there and start dating again. However, I feel really good though about this chance for something new and coming from a place of truly being ok on my own. I may wish for someone to share this life with, but I can honestly say with sincerity that I love my life and for the majority I am very happy and definitely proud of what I've managed to build for myself all on my own.

Don't have many photos from the last few weeks... but after taking a bath yesterday I napped on the day bed and Lady joined me and we took some pretty adorable photos when I woke up to her snuggling me.

"Breaking is easy, hoping is hard"

Most memorial day weekends I do my best to spend some time at the beach, it has always been my happy place but that was totally out of the question this year. So many normal indicators of summer are a little off this year. Yesterday it was really nice to be at my parents with my twin and older brother and his family. I even ended the night playing the piano at my mother's request and we played Heart and Soul together and as I sat next to her I could feel how important it was to reclaim that song for me and her. The move is quickly approaching and I'm feeling the stress increase but when Shiloh asked if I was nervous, I honestly could say that I really wasn't. I've moved and started over so many times and some times to places where I knew no one, so at this point doing it again, especially when I'm gonna be so close to one of my favorite people in the world, isn't really phasing me.  Chatting earlier with him certainly made me recognize that had I not been forced to drive alone across the country that first time right after getting married, I would be such a different person now. 

There is no doubt in my mind that having already shown myself I was capable of that was how I was able to pack up the dog and all that I could fit in my civic and drive back when I was so depressed and confused about my future. If I hadn't come home, and felt in full force all that I had given up to pursue a life with someone who didn't see me for me but instead what he wanted me to be, I would not have left my ex-husband when I did.  I know I would have stayed long enough to have children and then would have struggled so hard to knowingly allow children of mine to live through a childhood similar to mine. I definitely know I would do my best to never put them in the middle like my parents did with me and my siblings, and I would put aside my pride and give them as many memories as possible with their whole family and not make them wait until their late twenties to share a meal and conversation with their parents. But even the most amicable co-parenting relationships and blended families can never remove that feeling of always being pulled in multiple directions and never being able to please them all. The first time I felt a semblance of home was in college, and then it took until moving into my little studio two years ago to find it again. 

I finally finished reading "The Book of Separation" a memoir about a woman leaving her marriage and the orthodox Jewish community. The book opened with this poem by Mary Oliver that struck such a chord and I knew I needed to read it.

The book certainly triggered me in numerous ways, from relating to that feeling of your life feeling like a prison, to being attached to the story of your life you mapped out, to the main character's soon to be ex-husband sharing the same name of the man. I had to take numerous breaks which is not how I typically read lol. I'm glad that I read it though, at the end it kinda felt like it helped me continue to process my own journey and remember everything I have been through. To remember that I made the choice a long time ago that I would rather be alone than to settle for a life where I couldn't be me. I ended up finally reaching out to the man to express my condolences for his grandmother and to wish him and his family well throughout these crazy times. He saw my message but didn't respond and yet I know I don't regret it because it was starting to feel inauthentic that I hadn't checked in on someone that I care deeply about. With him never saying good bye I guess I had already internalized that I was no longer an important person to him, but I think now it is abundantly clear that I don't matter at all anymore. I hope that means that he's genuinely happy. I definitely know things feel more finished than they ever have and I know that's a good thing for me. I tried so hard for so many years on so many occasions to give myself the chance to see it through. While I definitely have wavered on my own about having children, I do know I tried the hardest to picture a future without children of my own because at one point it felt like that was the only obstacle to him choosing me back. However three years ago on Mother's day, he had been back in my life for not even two months, and I took this photo.

I'm sitting on my older brother's porch enjoying the view and imagining that someday I will sit again on this porch and across from me will be the man that I love holding our child as I celebrate my first mother's day with my family. I remember how much I wanted that, and I remember having a fleeting hope that the man would be the one to make me a mother. Last week I went to target to buy something, it was wild to be in there after not going into store other than the grocery store, pet store, and beer distributor for months. It felt weird for sure to be there, and I had forgotten the layout and ended up having to walk through the clothing sections. All a sudden I ended up in the baby stuff and it stopped me in my tracks. I just stood there for a bit looking at all the impossibly tiny clothes and shoes and I just started to cry because I could feel how badly I wanted to have a child but it feels impossibly far away. I have no idea how my life is going to unfold but I look at this photo as I type and I know I will recreate this photo someday in the future and in it will be my family, whatever that ends up looking like. 

Unburdening

I've needed to write for days but since I'm still a little behind on some work stuff I keep telling myself I'll do it later, but it's close to bed time and I'm clearly having focus issues and usually I have a sense of unburdening after I write so hopefully tomorrow can be a better day. I've definitely been struggling more the last two weeks, with the move and finding a place and hiring movers definitely adding stress for sure being a part of it, I think I'm also nearing my limit of this limited version of life much like everyone else. 

Additionally though, I'm definitely bumming about things with Shiloh and processing feelings of shame which I'm starting to believe like to clump together. As in every time you feel shameful about something it triggers all the other times too, and in the end shame is often a  result of feeling like you aren't what you should be, and at the root, not enough. The shame spiral started when it became clear that whatever we were doing meant more to me, just like it feels clear that all the years of scattered moments with the man meant more to me. Why does the lack of mutuality hurt so much? 

Lately I've been mulling over this thought that love does not need to mean commitment to mean something. That you can give love to people in your life through thoughtful actions, active listening, and sometimes just a hug but by no means do they come with the promise that you'll always be around to give those things, and yet that doesn't diminish the original giving of them. I often find myself in a thought loop that because the man didn't choose me, he must not have ever actually loved me. That if he loved me like I love him, he would be with me. More and more I can see that's quite a black and white way to look at it, especially because you really can't ignore the circumstances. I definitely had these expectations of him choosing me back the way I chose him never fully understanding that it was impossible. Never across our entire history was he ever truly available to do that, whereas from the moment we started I had already gone through the grueling process of reclaiming my heart. In the end he never made the choice to put that work in, but that doesn't mean all the moments we shared weren't real or that they didn't mean anything or that he's nothing but a liar. Last summer I wrote that part of me knew that he could love us both, and probably for different reasons, but that he had made real commitments to her. I think it took until recently to understand that him choosing to honor them should not be interpreted as a slight against me. 

I knew from the beginning that Shiloh wasn't emotionally available, and I knew I was moving, and I thought it was just fun and whatever. I didn't expect to feel all that I did and I definitely started to wonder that maybe it could be something. That even though timing was off, maybe it was also perfect, that me leaving would slow things down and remove pressure and provide him with a lot of time outside of a relationship to work through things from his past but when I came to town we could still spend time together.  We're chatting more regularly recently but definitely in the friends realm which is overall good. I really couldn't stand losing another friend that knows me so well. It's still painful no longer knowing the man.  

Someone near the end of April read the crap out of my life, like this one, the one I started when I left my old job, the one from grad school, even the one meant just for the man. When I first noticed I almost threw up, cuz no one has read that one in well over a year, but I know it's not the man. But it made me read back through some of my old stuff out of curiosity, this idea of wondering what would someone think reading through all this. While a lot of it is sad, there's so much reflection and growth captured across the years. While ruminating on the past is definitely not healthy, I think revisiting the past to remind yourself what you've already been through that now feels like a different lifetime can be inspiring. I've decided that for now I'm gonna get through this move, refocus on studying for my licensing exam, and then once I take it I can think about dating again. While part of me looks forward to when this part of my life feels like a lifetime ago, I know there's plenty about now that's worth looking forward to.

And the latest photos of quarantine...

Made some apple pie fridge oats with raisins, actually super delicious and filling and good for me since I'm awful at eating breakfast.

Wine, blueberries, and mango. Ended up throwing the blueberries in the wine and then making some guacamole to go with my polenta.

I woke up that morning with her sitting like that next to the bed.

So this past Saturday I decided to make my grandmother's meatloaf for the first time. However, ended up video chatting my sister longer than I meant to and then a longer shower, and then forgot I'd never opened my blender.... Soooo I basically finished putting together a little before ten pm and it takes about two hours to bake... So yea I ate meatloaf at midnight but it was delicious and surprisingly easy to make.

I attempted the pin curls again, was a tad more successful.

I hadn't seen her in a while and walked over the bed and she was partially snuggled in the blanket so I wrapped around and I don't think she was pleased haha

I think we're both going to miss this view.