I'm fucking sad and not really ok right now and extremely distracted. It's terrible timing too because I'm out Thursday and Friday this week for a trip with my mom and siblings so there's a lot to get done today and tomorrow. I haven't needed to write like this, in the middle of the day, in a very long time and I'm trying to focus on that fact as much as I can because that means for the most part these last 2.5 years I've been pretty happy and stable.
Champlain and I moved around our beds this weekend and I'm now in the big ass office all by myself but finally able to sleep with Lady again which I've missed terribly. The room is still a mess and now I don't have a closet sooo I've got a lot of work cut out for me but I'm relieved too that I don't have to wait until my twin moves out to have the separation I need to start the process of moving forward. I keep vacillating between falling into old habits of intimate actions and being an ice queen and it's exhausting for me so I can't imagine what it's like on the receiving end. Last week Champlain was trying to tell me how the stress of the looming change of rooms and the lack of physical touch was making his terrible sleep schedule even worse and my response was "Well then you should be extra pumped to move the beds so you can have someone over" and then I walked away...
It doesn't help that in the middle of all this, I'm planning a party for Burdman's 40th and of course inviting the man was a whole conversation and I wish so much I was truly indifferent about it, but I'm fucking not. I of course did not include him in my first run of the guest list because like even if I was totally cool with seeing him, how could I include him on the list and not have Burdman be like you're just looking for an excuse to see him. So I don't and then he has to ask me about it and I have to be like "it's your birthday you can absolutely invite anyone you want to, it's for you". But, ever since he told me last Thursday that he called the man to talk about it and invite him and that he's going to try and come I've been anxious as fuck and maybe more hurt than I expected? It definitely still bothers me that it feels like I experienced a ton of repercussions for ever loving the man and yet what lasting ones has he? The Burdman has acknowledged that the way he strung me along was a dick move, but he really has never judged the man to his face and for someone who touts being a loyal friend that's not very fucking loyal to me.
I'm so tired these days, and not just for lack of sleep cuz that's fucking normal, but it's like my soul knows I'm about to start trying again to find someone and it's just exhausted already. I'm sick of overperforming in my relationships, like all of them, my romantic, friends, and familial ones. The fact that I can't think of a single time someone went above and beyond for me feels shitty. And then as I sit here the one that comes to mind was from years ago when the man drove me to the shore two days after my dog died because my car wasn't safe to drive and then drove himself back. Like that's not even a good one because there was a whole lot of motivation for him to spend time alone with me and it ended up being the night of our first kiss. I just don't think I've ever been anyone's priority and the people across the years I've thought were my best friends, well they're fucking not, I wasn't even in either of my childhood best friends weddings and my bestie from college I barely know these days and Buddah and I haven't been the same since last July. Burdman really is my only true best friend so maybe that's part of why this situation is hurting me more than I want it to. It's taken years for the Burdman to even acknowledge that I'm important to him, but I still don't rely on him for emotional needs. I definitely still share most things about my life, but I'm not gonna call him first because my internal chatter still tells me he doesn't care. I mean he literally used to tell me that we could stop talking tomorrow and it wouldn't bother him. He did recently make it a point to let me know that he knows what I'm going through right now can't be easy and to reach out, so maybe I just need to do that. Maybe I can even acknowledge the whole thing with the man hurts my feelings, but I'm not sure how much it has to even do with the man specifically versus just feeling taken for granted.
I'm still not looking forward to possibly seeing the man, I think it's going to be harder than it was a year and half ago because I'm not riding the high of being happy with someone and about to move in with them. I'm literally in the thick of processing that I'm alone again and praying it doesn't take me six years again to like someone enough to want to actually date them seriously. Even though I always knew there wasn't long term potential with Champlain, it was still a serious relationship, and one I felt safe in, but maybe only because I never thought about the future, and could never really have my heart broken. I know I'm supposed to be all independent and liberal and what not but right now I know that whomever I end up with needs to be someone that is a giver, no more takers. I want to be taken care of because it's painfully clear I never have been. I think that's part of why I fell so hard for the man all those years ago because he wanted to save me, to protect me, and even though he was no where near to being in a position to ever do that across all our stints, the fact that he wanted to struck me deeply.
During the good times with the man I've never felt more beautiful and alive and I'm really fucking craving that right now. Sometimes I still wish I could know the man's side of our story but part of me is finally accepting that even if I did it wouldn't change anything about now. I'll never truly know how much of our time together was mutual but I really don't like writing it off as just circumstances and just sex and just free therapy. It was a life changing connection for me and that can never be undone. I watched Mr. Mom recently with my family and there was just this random little scene during the montage of him coming into his own of being the stay at home parent and thriving where he was painting the fence in the backyard and in popped a memory. The man once told me that while painting his own fence he had thought about how if I was there even that would have been fun. Such a simple thing to say but it let me know that he enjoyed my company that much and here I am now, hoping to find someone else that will feel that lucky to know that even the mundanity of life would be better with me in their life.
I'm still very far off from being ready to start dating again and I don't have a clue how the fuck that's going to go down while living with my ex but I'm really over how stagnant I've been feeling, I just fucking hate limbo. I'm hopeful that this upcoming trip will allow for a reset and I can come back refreshed and ready to start showing up as a person I'll have a hard time belittling in my inner dialogue.
