It's been a while since I've written anything anywhere I guess life has been mostly happy and busy. A lot has changed this second half of the year. I left my job in August! Some shady shit went down near the end, it was a weird experience and I'm really grateful to no longer be in those circumstances. I'm making $13,000 more than I was, the hours are way better, I feel challenged yet appreciated, and the commute is twenty minutes only some time! One of the main clients I am supporting is a ten minute walk from our apartment, I've never walked to work before and I really like it. I definitely had not recognized just how much the old job had begun to negatively impact my mental health, Champlain mentioned a month into the new job that I'm much nicer lol. It's definitely super nice to have co-workers again and to be learning from experienced project managers. This past month was definitely super busy and really fun. I participated in my first tough mudder, we went to a Shakespeare play, our good friends wedding, SKY DIVING, ren fair and then a Vegas trip with my sister for When We Were Young Festival. Sky diving was amazing, I unfortunately was recovering from a sinus infection so at the very end my head felt like it was going to explode and I had to blow real hard with my hand clamped on my nose to relieve the pressure. It's definitely something wild to be high enough to notice the curvature of the earth and then to look down and not even feel like you're falling for this first minute because the ground is not getting perceptively closer. Vegas with my sister was pretty amazing, it was so nice to get that much time together and be able to talk about ourselves and our lives and not just our brother and the family.
Other big changes for me are that Burdman and Buddha are no longer friends and I don't think that'll ever recover which does make me sad. Back in June Buddha was forced into a situation where she had to choose between her hobbit in Denver and Burdman and I think because of their past where he was never willing to try with her, and to this day doesn't acknowledge they dated, the choice felt obvious, but she handled it terribly, and she hurt Burdman's feelings. Meanwhile we'd had a road trip planned for months to see some bands we all love in Detroit. I remember being nervous the trip was gonna be so awkward but even though she tuned out some of our inflammatory chats during the drive out there, once we got there it was fine, felt like old times. The day of the show we started things off with a boozy brunch followed by a dive bar. I don't drink a lot, like ever, but I completely forgot the Blood Mary's at brunch were doubles and we made new friends at the bar and shots were traded and before I knew it, I was absolutely polluted. Buddha had become progressively flirtier as the morning went on, and not just with Burdman, with myself and our new friends. Everyone was having a good time, but it became clear when we left the bar to head back to the hotel to freshen up before the show that the good times were over for me. I haven't puked the contents of my soul like that in years. Dear lord it was awful. I told them to go on without me that I would be fine on my own and would join if I could. Apparently Burdman was not willing to be late and went ahead, and Buddha eventually caught up with him but the crowds were too much and she started to have a panic attack. I'll never know the entire truth of the situation because I wasn't there, but from her perspective she grabbed at Burdman I guess to get his attention to maybe ask to leave the area they were in, and he at the time reached his limit with her flirting and grabbed her hand and placed it on his crotch two times, I guess trying to get her to decide her intentions one way or another. She interpreted this interaction as sexual assault, and months later I'm still having a hard time categorizing it as such. It's difficult because I can't help but recall a night at a show with Burdman four years ago now where he forced his hands down my pants and started to kiss me when I had not purposefully indicated I wanted any of that. I remember trying to remove his hands, I remember asking him what he was doing, and I remember wanting all of it to stop but knowing we were right next to a security guard and not wanting the situation to be misinterpreted, or blown out of proportion and I just kinda turned off, and let it happen. Later that evening we engaged in further activities but those all felt more consensual for sure, but I guess my initial reaction to her feelings were lol that's not sexual assault. Whereas in reality I guess that it was, and that both situations are not ok, but both situations include people with previous history of sexual involvement and alcohol and zero malicious intent so can you give it such a black and white label? All I know is the whole thing made me uncomfortable and I didn't know the proper way to handle it, there was a lot of gray to it and I don't think Buddha acknowledged her flirtations and leading him on, but flirting does not equal consent. She has decided to categorize him as not a good person, asked me never to talk about him with her and to not share details of her life with him. People are the sum of their choices, not their misjudgments, but I can't say it was an isolated event because of my own experience. But I think back on that night and I remember feeling like we were a couple ahead of him making a move, so if I felt that, he did too, and when I try to remember why it had that air to it, it dawns on me that it was just a week after I had met up with the Man after bailing on him twice. We had spent 6 hours together, enough to undue 10 months of trying to let go and had absolutely put me in the head space of wishing deeply I had someone and maybe wondering for the 100th time why couldn't it be Burdman? But I think that experience made it abundantly clear to both of us that the nature of our connection is not romantic, even if we both find each other attractive, I'm far too annoying to him and he's far too inflexible for the chaos my life will always have.
The chaos has been dialed down dramatically, my thirties are another world compared to my twenties, but just the very nature of me and my family, predictability is just not something I'll ever have. I'm sure the way I was feeling back then is why shortly after that incident with Burdman I allowed the Man back into my life for four months, this time a true secret, even on my end. It feels crazy that all happened years ago, sometimes when a memory of him surfaces, it all feels like it happened yesterday. Just a few days ago Burdman called me drunk af after a night out with the softball team, the Man included and I immediately wished I could reach out to him to hear his side of the story of the married broad that kept grabbing Burdman's dick lol. When Burdman's best friend in the whole wide world had to be put down, I did reach out to the Man. I remember mulling over it the entire drive home to MD after going to the vet with him, I kept asking myself am I taking advantage of a reason to reach out? I never landed on a clear answer on that front, but what I did land on was that I wasn't going to ever be in a place where my best friend was gone and I was saying I wish I had done more. I was going to do the most, so I told someone I know cares about him too, hey treat with care this human is hurting. We hadn't interacted with each other in a few months at that point and it wasn't even a conversation yet Burdman still doubted my intentions. Nothing I can do about that but the only person I have to be in peace with is myself and I did what I thought was right. It's crazy it's been over a year since we lost our co-worker. I thought a lot about him this past month, I wondered if the guys had a drink for him at their softball gathering.
Depression is a terrible thing and while people who suffer from it have some similar experiences, it's also such a personal thing that is so hard to understand and so hard to know how to fucking help. My twin still isn't working, but he has definitely made progress and has started talking about getting a job so I guess that's better than nothing. I know Champlain is much more frustrated with his lack of financial contribution and he's been asking more recently if he will move out to our family townhouse. I knew I was putting myself in a precarious situation but I guess I hoped it would be more stable for a bit longer? We just renewed our lease for another year so I guess our relationship is safe for another year? We've been together for two years now, my first serious relationship since getting divorced, and his most serious and longest relationship ever. It's still the healthiest thing I've ever been in but we've been revisiting the conversation about kids. I asked him to get into the therapy to deal with his childhood trauma, that I want to know we did all we could to see if we could have a life together and if he still doesn't want children, then it will be time for goodbye. I have no desire to talk someone into a life they don't readily want, especially when I know there are men out there who really do want a family. I just know it's hard to find someone who compliments you so well and makes it so easy to be yourself. It was therapeutic to learn in Vegas that my sister and I are literally dealing with the same thoughts. I don't know what the future holds or why I maintain the desire to try and plan it when I know so well plans are a fools errand. I guess my plans will always be my attempt to know the direction I wish to go in and I'll just keep refining my ability to handle what life throws at me and course correct whenever I need to.
