I've needed to write for a while now but I think I've been convincing myself I don't have the time, there's other things I should be doing between all the stuff that still needs to be done around the cottage, school work, but actually I'm not behind on anything for work. My huge deliverable I was the PM for was submitted on Wednesday and I received nothing but thanks and a job well done which has been such a fucking relief after getting thrown under the bus for that stupid ass project and paying for it the last six weeks. I honestly thought I might have to find a new job for a bit but I killed it on this project and after I made sure to stick up for myself and refused to corroborate her narrative of what happened, I've been my usual bubbly kind thoughtful self and done my best to ignore how betrayed the whole situation has made me feel. I enjoy my actual work and my colleagues way too much to just give up. For now I think we can move past this but I did update my resume and thought about applying for a library of congress job yesterday but I didn't get that gut feeling that it was what I needed to be doing. So we'll see how long this current chapter lasts.
Aside from the work drama, I'd say a major high light is that I've officially been dating again. The first date I had went really well and I was genuinely excited and we started seeing each other for a few weeks and then he got covid and literally just disappeared and never responded again but changed his dating profile, so definitely not dead lol. Have met three other dudes since but no second dates. One of them was mid 40s divorced, a few years out, but with three children, with the youngest a junior in high school. He talked about how he stayed as long as he could for his kids but that he wished he had left sooner. That his ex-wife was a lovely woman and a great mom but there was no affection shown between them. I was like yea I understand wanting to give your kids every advantage but part of your job as a parent is modeling healthy love because we emulate what we're exposed to and I know lacking those models myself absolutely impacted my ability to recognize worthwhile partnerships. I watched this mans face to just absolutely drop as he said out loud "I hope I didn't mess things up for my girls" and then he just got real quiet and I knew I was not gonna hear from him again lol. But I meant it, if you believe you're staying for the kids but you'd be so sad if they ended up in a marriage like yours, then I'm sorry, you're staying because you're too afraid to leave and are using your kids as an excuse to not confront yourself and the truth that for whatever reason, you don't love yourself enough to put in the work to start over.
I think that's probably part of why I'm still not entirely over things with the man. I did put in the work to start my life over, and I left someone I still loved because I wasn't able to be me in that relationship and the further I got out of the dynamic of us, the more I could see how much he didn't actually see me as a person. I took myself to see Priscilla last night and damn did I relate to some of how she felt, she was basically Elvis' doll dressed the way he liked and locked up in graceland, not allowed to be her own person. I always say it never was our life, it was his and I was just an accessory to it and I feel like Priscilla would absolutely understand that statement. So to have freed myself from that to then not even a month later begin such a damaging never a real relationship with someone that eventually just decimated me I think just makes me so fucking angry at all the time I lost to being heart broken instead of celebrating my freedom. I think I've just always wanted that whole thing to at some point feel worth all the pain and to be right I guess, to be right about him and the connection we had and that it was real and that love can feel like that, and I deserved to feel that seen and wanted.
Who knew the releases of Taylor's Version for two of her albums would be so triggering but 1989 came out a few weeks after things ended the first time with the man and damn that was before I knew it was going to go around 3 more times so the songs hit even more these days. Burdman knew the vault songs in particular were gonna hit me and it was nice to be able to admit to someone that I was in my feelings but he also told me it's time to let go. The biggest surprise was when he told me he thought the way the man treated me over the years was worse than his ex who just packed up all her shit while he was at work and left him without any conversation and refused to help with rent. That's been rattling around in my head ever since, because I honestly believe his whole experience with her was one of the most fucked up stories, especially the way she vilified him and the people he lost. I think it will probably always be hard for me to objectively see the fucked up aspects of how things played out with the man because I've never stopped loving him and that just naturally comes with understanding and forgiveness. However Burdman is right to call out, do I actually love the man, or an idea of him, and I guess loving a version of someone from nearly a decade ago is indeed just an idea of someone. The man that was all in with me never fully came back to me, even though I genuinely gave him every possible chance I could. Earlier this week marked 5 years since that last round became physical after months of random chats after he finally reached out admitting he'd been reading my blog all summer long. It's pretty unreal it's been that many years, the covid years really are a blur.
I'm still not really sure what my dumbass heart needs to completely move on because even though I know progress has been made, and that being reminded of past hurts is just part of life, I haven't reached indifference. I still care way too much about him, and his life and it's honestly not fair how much this whole thing has impacted me. I know I didn't deserve any of it, but for a while I truly believed my heartache was a just punishment for being a mistress. Part of me has always been frustrated that he never really had any consequences for breaking my heart so many times, but damn have I had plenty for loving him. There were times where the grief of losing him really did taint everything else going on in my life, and while it feels like he never had to grapple with the loss of me, maybe I'm wrong about that. Maybe feeling what it's like to be cherished, desired, and respected yet choosing to stay in something that's not bad but not intimate either is more of a consequence than I'll ever understand.
