Safe

I don't know why I think I can experiment with weed... Yesterday was literally the best day I've had in a VERY long time. My peace came over Saturday night and we hung out, went food shopping, then grabbed a pizza, came home and watched the old guard. Super enjoyable, highly recommend. Went to bed, and then attempted to get up somewhat early to head to the beach!!! It was glorious. He loves the beach as much as I do and we had a great time chatting and listening to music during the drive there. One of his best friends was also at the beach that day and so we sat near him and I got to meet him. We spent probably 5 hours maybe a little more soaking up the rays and hopping in and out of the water. The only annoying part was the fact that there was a shit ton of crab larva in the ocean and they seemed very dedicated to finding their way into my bathing suit. 

We eventually decided we were going to go get some dinner and then come back for the sunset and then head home. Of course right before dinner we decided it was the perfect time to smoke these medical grade joints he brought. I really didn't think I did that much, I tried to be measured but I went back to that place I've been going to the last handful of times I've gotten super high. I definitely leave this world... maybe even this time? I come in and out of awareness of where I am and what's going on all the while my brain is tying together all of these things that have been happening in the world and my life and making all these connections and it's overwhelming for sure but it's also always these very healing experiences. Everytime there's this vague awareness that I'm old, old enough to have long gray hair, and I'm on a beach, it's a party for me, it's my birthday, and there's live music, and all my favorite people are there and they've been waiting for me to join in on the fun. Waiting for me to get it. Whatever it is. And every time I get this high and the process begins I feel like I'm closer and closer to understanding whatever it is I'm supposed to be grasping. Everytime I've had an initial feeling of panic that it's the end, the world is ending and this is it, which then will quickly turn into no, it's just my time, and then I'm convinced I'm about to die. In some bizarre way. Like the first time this happened I thought I was going to be struck by lightening while in Miami. This last time, I thought we were going to get into a car accident... But I remember having a moment looking out at the beautiful sunset as we drove home thinking that while there's so much left I want to do, if my time is up, and this was my last day, well damn it was a fucking great day and I'm ok with that.

I was definitely embarrassed as fuck to have had an episode like that with someone I've only known for six weeks. Every other time has been with people I've known for years or my whole life. He was such a champ and truly took care of me and assured me it wasn't anything to be worried about.  I kept having this overwhelming feeling that whatever I've been waiting for, it is now and my only job is to learn to trust and believe it will all play out how it should. At first I thought it meant the man was coming back to me, that I could see him again, touch him, talk to him, finally understand why we have become nothing more than strangers. There were moments where I thought he was the man though...I definitely said his name out loud. There's obviously still parts of me that wish that had all worked out but today as I was contemplating over some of the internal conversations I had while high and everything my peace and I chatted about on the drive home I had this moment where I thought about the man and thanked him for wanting more for me than I wanted for myself. I'm falling in love again and it's incredible to feel all this again while it's also completely it's own unique experience. While we sat on the beach in our beach chairs feeling the sun and the sound of the ocean in the background holding hands I had the fleeting thought that I'm going to be doing this until I'm old and gray. I think perhaps the now feeling was that I am exactly where I've been wishing to be for so long. I'll be thrilled if that fleeting thought turns out to be true, but for now it's just nice to feel genuinely happy all the way through. At one point after I had rambled he held me and told me I wasn't disposable and that I don't have to feel that way ever again. He makes me feel safe, safer than I have in a long long time. I've had moments across these years with the various men I've dated where I felt that hint of safeness for a little while I was with them physically, but this is different because my heart feels safe too. 

The Beginning

I've got those anxious/excited butterflies and they're going to be with me all day, I can just tell. I've had three in person dates with the man I matched with on OkC, all outside and we both got COVID testing so he's coming to my place tonight and I'm super pumped. I've been really stressed out this week, having my twin here all last week was nice, but also a lot. Been worrying about him since I dropped him back off and just found out from my sister that since the landlords aren't taking anything serious, the rest of the roommates decided not to renew the lease and he needs to move out by the end of the month. He hasn't told me this yet and wasn't responsive this week which is probably part of the reason why I've been more worried. This is how he gets though, something stressful that is outside of his control happens, and he shuts down completely. I know he doesn't want to move in with our folks, but I think it's his only option right now and I don't think it'll be bad for him, especially while he figures out what's next for him. It's wild how different our lives are...

I can't help but recognize that today marks six years from the day I left my sailor. That means things have officially been over for as long as they lasted. This day two years ago I also got the tattoo for the man on my rib cage. I've actually not shared a photo of it on my social media, I think it felt too personal to do so which is an odd thing for me to feel when there is a big part of me that prides myself on being open.

I remember when I shared with my mom what it said, and by this point it was my 9th tattoo which I kinda love since 9 is the end of a cycle. She was upset, said that she thought she had failed me, that something must be wrong that I'm marring my body. I told her that I wasn't marring my body, that they're my story, that they're beautiful and I'm proud of them, that they're an outward way to show the things I've overcome, the things I've accomplished and the things that make me, me.  The poem is by Beau Taplin and it is titled the Awful Truth. It had been six months since the last time we had kissed and 4 years since I restarted my life and it felt like the perfect day to get this quote that meant so much to me. The act of getting it has always reminded me of a quote by another writer that I love, Emina Gaspar-Vrana, that says:

"I kept your name,

it is engraved on my chest forever -

to make every heartbeat remind me of

the love I am capable of giving

and the loss I am capable of surviving."

I didn't know there would be one last round with the man ahead of me, but it was one that was needed, it was the one that shattered the idea of him I had idolized and it gave me the chance to step away of my own accord even though giving up on our someday was the last thing I wanted to do. I think I will always have days when the sadness I feel about how things played out will overcome all the things I have to be grateful for and that's ok. While I've logically always known those days weren't indicative of my overall healing, I think I truly believe it now and instead choose to view those days as the proof of how deeply I loved, even though these days I know I never really knew him, I was never given the chance to. 

I knew Shiloh at a much deeper level and even that had barely gone deeper than the surface, and of course in my life, the Saturday I picked up my brother he reached out to tell me he wanted to try. I could barely process it to be honest and I really tried to separate myself from the budding feelings I was having for this new guy, to really evaluate if that wasn't going on, what would I want. I should have wanted to see him while I was home over the 4th of July to bring my twin back, but I didn't, I wanted to avoid and eventually we ended up chatting via instagram even though I really do think he deserved an in-person conversation. I genuinely didn't feel confident that he wanted to be with me for me...too many times he didn't want to try across our history together, so why now? How much is due to knowing we're in a pandemic and it'll be a while before he'll feel comfortable meeting new people? Frankly he also should be just focusing on getting himself and his life to a place where he's happy with it, and I said as much. But also I knew that part of why I had wanted to try was because it was easy. It felt easy to be with someone who knew me, and all my shit and I didn't have to hide anything. But I don't have to hide anything with this new guy either and for the first time in the longest time everything feels mutual in an equal measure.

I want to be all in on trying again, no matter how long it lasts, I just want to try. I am so hopeful for the future of it, but right now it's fun, and I need and deserve fun. If he ends up being everything that I've been holding out for I'm going to find it hilarious that his name literally means "Peace". My life has been chaos since my childhood and I've really tried to work on making better decision the last few years to avoid drama, and that sure as shit is still a work in progress, but I'm ready for some peace in my life. I have associated this day with endings for many years now and I hope now it becomes the memory of a beginning.