Safe

I don't know why I think I can experiment with weed... Yesterday was literally the best day I've had in a VERY long time. My peace came over Saturday night and we hung out, went food shopping, then grabbed a pizza, came home and watched the old guard. Super enjoyable, highly recommend. Went to bed, and then attempted to get up somewhat early to head to the beach!!! It was glorious. He loves the beach as much as I do and we had a great time chatting and listening to music during the drive there. One of his best friends was also at the beach that day and so we sat near him and I got to meet him. We spent probably 5 hours maybe a little more soaking up the rays and hopping in and out of the water. The only annoying part was the fact that there was a shit ton of crab larva in the ocean and they seemed very dedicated to finding their way into my bathing suit. 

We eventually decided we were going to go get some dinner and then come back for the sunset and then head home. Of course right before dinner we decided it was the perfect time to smoke these medical grade joints he brought. I really didn't think I did that much, I tried to be measured but I went back to that place I've been going to the last handful of times I've gotten super high. I definitely leave this world... maybe even this time? I come in and out of awareness of where I am and what's going on all the while my brain is tying together all of these things that have been happening in the world and my life and making all these connections and it's overwhelming for sure but it's also always these very healing experiences. Everytime there's this vague awareness that I'm old, old enough to have long gray hair, and I'm on a beach, it's a party for me, it's my birthday, and there's live music, and all my favorite people are there and they've been waiting for me to join in on the fun. Waiting for me to get it. Whatever it is. And every time I get this high and the process begins I feel like I'm closer and closer to understanding whatever it is I'm supposed to be grasping. Everytime I've had an initial feeling of panic that it's the end, the world is ending and this is it, which then will quickly turn into no, it's just my time, and then I'm convinced I'm about to die. In some bizarre way. Like the first time this happened I thought I was going to be struck by lightening while in Miami. This last time, I thought we were going to get into a car accident... But I remember having a moment looking out at the beautiful sunset as we drove home thinking that while there's so much left I want to do, if my time is up, and this was my last day, well damn it was a fucking great day and I'm ok with that.

I was definitely embarrassed as fuck to have had an episode like that with someone I've only known for six weeks. Every other time has been with people I've known for years or my whole life. He was such a champ and truly took care of me and assured me it wasn't anything to be worried about.  I kept having this overwhelming feeling that whatever I've been waiting for, it is now and my only job is to learn to trust and believe it will all play out how it should. At first I thought it meant the man was coming back to me, that I could see him again, touch him, talk to him, finally understand why we have become nothing more than strangers. There were moments where I thought he was the man though...I definitely said his name out loud. There's obviously still parts of me that wish that had all worked out but today as I was contemplating over some of the internal conversations I had while high and everything my peace and I chatted about on the drive home I had this moment where I thought about the man and thanked him for wanting more for me than I wanted for myself. I'm falling in love again and it's incredible to feel all this again while it's also completely it's own unique experience. While we sat on the beach in our beach chairs feeling the sun and the sound of the ocean in the background holding hands I had the fleeting thought that I'm going to be doing this until I'm old and gray. I think perhaps the now feeling was that I am exactly where I've been wishing to be for so long. I'll be thrilled if that fleeting thought turns out to be true, but for now it's just nice to feel genuinely happy all the way through. At one point after I had rambled he held me and told me I wasn't disposable and that I don't have to feel that way ever again. He makes me feel safe, safer than I have in a long long time. I've had moments across these years with the various men I've dated where I felt that hint of safeness for a little while I was with them physically, but this is different because my heart feels safe too.