I'm technically done for the day, weird to be done this early, but I got in early, needed to for a project, but also getting myself acclimated to a new schedule cuz work has agreed to let me leave early on Tuesdays and Thursdays so that I can attend the live lectures for the prep course I signed up. Not psyched at all to have to study for this 8 hour god forsaken licensing exam yet again, but feeling better about actually having the time to put in that I need to. I truly tried to carve it out this fall, but between a really demanding client, worry for my twin, and my study schedule going completely sideways the last two weeks with my MIA study buddy and then my Aunt dying... It just was so hard to focus at the actual test. I remember sitting there and looking at the questions and knowing I knew how to do them, but not being able to calm myself enough to put my thoughts together and just having flashes to my family and wishing I was with everyone as they prepared for the funeral. I actually cried in the bathroom at one point...
But life happens, I have to figure out how to make sure that this time, no matter what unforeseen shit happens, I still put this first cuz I need to. I can't get to what is next in my career without this. I'm starting to feel the pressure of things with my twin lift, he got word on Friday that his insurance has been re-instated, and I wrote him a check yesterday for his first payment after he finally went to the recovery center with me to talk to an admissions counselor. He seems to be on board with a one week in-patient stay. I actually cried while we were there cuz I'm just so fucking relieved that real professionals are going to be able to help him. I've felt so helpless with this situation for over a year now and it feels so good to feel like we're making progress.
I also feel a bit lighter because yesterday morning I told the guy I've been seeing the last six weeks that I'm not as over something as I thought I was...and then that afternoon I deactivated all my profiles and uninstalled all the dating apps from my phone. There's a few people I was chatting with where it got to the point of exchanging numbers, and maybe 1st dates will still occur, but not because I'll be trying. I think I just need a break from it all and there is no need for the distraction of boys when this test needs to be my priority. Six weeks is not a very long time, but six weeks was all it was the first time with the man I can't forget and so it very much makes me feel like if I know I wouldn't miss this person, well then I'm just leading them on. It was nice having someone to listen to the nothings of my day, but when he came over on Thursday and I made us dinner and we watched Crazy Stupid Love at his suggestion and Steve Carell's character had a speech about soulmates I sure as shit wasn't thinking about the dude next to me...
I have no idea how long I'm gonna be stuck wishing for a different ending than that of strangers. Every logical and rational part of me believes I already should be, but the way my heart still hurts, and the way my heart feels so empty in the presence of others, I just know that I am not past it. I'm not really sure what it is that I can do to help myself move past it other than to just keep doing my best to be honest with where I'm at.
Monday, January 27, 2020
Sunday, January 19, 2020
Strangers
"I don't want to be strangers"
That was the phrase that caused me to open back up to someone that had already broken my heart once before. The next two years would turn into this on again off again mess of confusion and extreme pain. Now, we're very close to truly becoming strangers. Every other time things imploded, it never really felt like it was over, no matter how hard I was trying to convince myself that it was, and that it was also for the best that it was. There was the potential to see him twice in the last two weeks, but it didn't happen and even though I know that it's a good thing, I'm still having to acknowledge my disappointment. I still seem to be quite distressed by the idea of it actually being over. I'm trying so hard to be open and willing to meet other people and to get to know them, but not much is happening for me on the emotional side of things and it's truly making me feel a little bit broken. His birthday is this week and I have found myself day dreaming about how if things were different, if he was mine, that I would have planned to take advantage of a long weekend and go somewhere to celebrate.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm just so stuck because I'm tired...because the idea of getting to know someone else and their life feels daunting and I'm just eager to already be at that level of understanding and comfort. That I just miss having someone to plan a future with. I think I'm also stuck cuz I'm stubborn and can't accept that I was so fucking wrong about someone. Never before had a person felt like home, it gave me a sureness about wanting to be with him I had never experienced and have yet to experience again. I have ideas about what I'm holding out for, and so many encounters start off so promising, but for whatever reason I still haven't felt any kind of long term potential. Just these situations where I know I could have fun for a few years, that they would treat me well, but it would never be what I ultimately want, so what's the point, and so I bail, and I'm sure that has to be confusing as hell for these men, because there is chemistry and a connection... just not the desire to share my life with them.
I'm hoping this funk I've been in lately is really just related to the increased potential of possibly seeing him and that soon I'll be a little more present in what's going on and not so fucking sad. I heard that song, "If the world was ending" back in mid December and it made me bawl the first time cuz I knew, the only person I'd want to see would be him, but I know I wouldn't be his. I find myself playing it a lot and I just fucking hate this feeling of being stuck and feeling so small, I'm really fucking bored of it. My twin keeps telling me I just haven't met anyone worthy yet, that it's gonna happen and I just need to try my best to be patient. I'm just sick of the amount of mental space my love life is fucking occupying. Maybe it's time to take a break from all of it again and try again in the spring, when it's easier to be more optimistic.
That was the phrase that caused me to open back up to someone that had already broken my heart once before. The next two years would turn into this on again off again mess of confusion and extreme pain. Now, we're very close to truly becoming strangers. Every other time things imploded, it never really felt like it was over, no matter how hard I was trying to convince myself that it was, and that it was also for the best that it was. There was the potential to see him twice in the last two weeks, but it didn't happen and even though I know that it's a good thing, I'm still having to acknowledge my disappointment. I still seem to be quite distressed by the idea of it actually being over. I'm trying so hard to be open and willing to meet other people and to get to know them, but not much is happening for me on the emotional side of things and it's truly making me feel a little bit broken. His birthday is this week and I have found myself day dreaming about how if things were different, if he was mine, that I would have planned to take advantage of a long weekend and go somewhere to celebrate.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm just so stuck because I'm tired...because the idea of getting to know someone else and their life feels daunting and I'm just eager to already be at that level of understanding and comfort. That I just miss having someone to plan a future with. I think I'm also stuck cuz I'm stubborn and can't accept that I was so fucking wrong about someone. Never before had a person felt like home, it gave me a sureness about wanting to be with him I had never experienced and have yet to experience again. I have ideas about what I'm holding out for, and so many encounters start off so promising, but for whatever reason I still haven't felt any kind of long term potential. Just these situations where I know I could have fun for a few years, that they would treat me well, but it would never be what I ultimately want, so what's the point, and so I bail, and I'm sure that has to be confusing as hell for these men, because there is chemistry and a connection... just not the desire to share my life with them.
I'm hoping this funk I've been in lately is really just related to the increased potential of possibly seeing him and that soon I'll be a little more present in what's going on and not so fucking sad. I heard that song, "If the world was ending" back in mid December and it made me bawl the first time cuz I knew, the only person I'd want to see would be him, but I know I wouldn't be his. I find myself playing it a lot and I just fucking hate this feeling of being stuck and feeling so small, I'm really fucking bored of it. My twin keeps telling me I just haven't met anyone worthy yet, that it's gonna happen and I just need to try my best to be patient. I'm just sick of the amount of mental space my love life is fucking occupying. Maybe it's time to take a break from all of it again and try again in the spring, when it's easier to be more optimistic.
Wednesday, January 1, 2020
Unwavering
First day of not just a new year but a brand spanking new decade and I'm sitting on a bed in a room I've never been in before today. I have found myself volunteering to chill at the house of my technically ex-step-Zayda's girlfriend's son's house as like a mostly hands off babysitter while the son and his family are away on vacation. It doesn't really seem like it's particularly important I be here, but just more of a fail safe and allowing my step mother (technically ex... her and my father split when I was in college) and her sister to relax a bit since my Zayda has Alzheimer's. This blended family of mine can certainly be such a bear to explain to people...it's always interesting to see how some of the men I've been going out on dates with react to the convolutedness of it all. It's definitely why for me, the holidays are mostly stressful and I don't ever really look forward to them. It's a lot of running around and driving to try and manage to see all the different camps. I still have two family get-togethers this coming Saturday that I'll have to leave one early and get to the other one late. Seriously in need of some alone time and vegging the fuck out and I'm not sure I'm going to have the opportunity for that any time soon. If I really feel burned out before I have that chance I might take some PTO, I'm really not trying to start things off ignoring my body's signals.
I'm pretty excited for this decade and honestly have no real agenda for where I hope to be by the end of it. I definitely have goals and ideas but it truly feels like life could go in a number of different directions at this point. Getting married again and starting a family is certainly a potential, but no longer one I have strong feelings about needing to happen. I've been thinking a lot about adoption lately and orphans in general and have this idea bouncing around in this head of mine about starting a group home at some point. I'm also currently obsessed with the idea of buying a house of my own with the intent of my twin living with me and really making it a home and safe space for both of us. To live with someone who loves me and does have my best interests at heart. That maybe if we both could learn what it feels like to have that support we will stop engaging in relationships that are not healthy for us. I also love the idea of having at least one extra room for guests and space for him to do his art and maybe even having an additional room where maybe we foster kids who have no where else to go and I can start to learn more about that world and that process. I want to own something because I want the security of knowing I'm gonna be there for a good long while and then can allow myself to get invested and involved in my local community and possibly running for office. Lately I keep having thoughts about wanting to a write a memoir and using my journals as the structure for it. I recently wrote a short story to help process some of my heart ache and it was definitely something I enjoyed, so maybe I should take that thought a little more seriously. And as always, so many plans and ideas for future adventure trips, vacations, and concerts. I am so pumped for all the places I will see and all the amazing food I will eat and the beautiful music I will hear. So many options and so many paths I really can't wait to see where I land.
I can't remember the last time I felt this excited and hopeful and optimistic. I'm smiling as I type this and I sincerely hope I can manage to hold on to this feeling. Even though I know there will be times across this next decade where it will be so hard to find that silver lining, I have a strange sense of knowing that I'll always manage to bring myself back to this place of hopefulness. While perhaps this trait has caused me to potentially be delusional about certain situations, my unwavering optimism about the potential that life has to offer may be my favorite quality. Cheers to 2020 and all of what lays ahead.
I'm pretty excited for this decade and honestly have no real agenda for where I hope to be by the end of it. I definitely have goals and ideas but it truly feels like life could go in a number of different directions at this point. Getting married again and starting a family is certainly a potential, but no longer one I have strong feelings about needing to happen. I've been thinking a lot about adoption lately and orphans in general and have this idea bouncing around in this head of mine about starting a group home at some point. I'm also currently obsessed with the idea of buying a house of my own with the intent of my twin living with me and really making it a home and safe space for both of us. To live with someone who loves me and does have my best interests at heart. That maybe if we both could learn what it feels like to have that support we will stop engaging in relationships that are not healthy for us. I also love the idea of having at least one extra room for guests and space for him to do his art and maybe even having an additional room where maybe we foster kids who have no where else to go and I can start to learn more about that world and that process. I want to own something because I want the security of knowing I'm gonna be there for a good long while and then can allow myself to get invested and involved in my local community and possibly running for office. Lately I keep having thoughts about wanting to a write a memoir and using my journals as the structure for it. I recently wrote a short story to help process some of my heart ache and it was definitely something I enjoyed, so maybe I should take that thought a little more seriously. And as always, so many plans and ideas for future adventure trips, vacations, and concerts. I am so pumped for all the places I will see and all the amazing food I will eat and the beautiful music I will hear. So many options and so many paths I really can't wait to see where I land.
I can't remember the last time I felt this excited and hopeful and optimistic. I'm smiling as I type this and I sincerely hope I can manage to hold on to this feeling. Even though I know there will be times across this next decade where it will be so hard to find that silver lining, I have a strange sense of knowing that I'll always manage to bring myself back to this place of hopefulness. While perhaps this trait has caused me to potentially be delusional about certain situations, my unwavering optimism about the potential that life has to offer may be my favorite quality. Cheers to 2020 and all of what lays ahead.
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