I've been feeling overwhelmed by life lately and wanting a break from deadlines and anyone relying on me... I got to spend some time with family in South Dakota but there were still expectations.
I think I desperately need some alone time and I hope I can carve some time out for it sooner than later. I just continually want to hit pause. The level of stress I currently feel is definitely not healthy, and it doesn't help that I can barely even admit to myself how stressed I am because the internal chatter keeps saying things like "what are you even so stressed about, you only have to take care of you, you've got it easy."
Between being backed up at work, trying hard to save the beloved fields of the non-profit I'm a board member of and actual plans with people, I'm just overloaded and my capability to be this busy is just not what it was. It's definitely not helping that thoughts of the man are way more invasive than they have been, to the point where wanting to reach out has crossed my mind. I've missed him other times for sure, and sometimes felt the need to talk to him, but that's what the blog is for, so I would write to no one, and then the feeling would pass. This is different, I feel this incredible urge to check in on him, this feeling that something is wrong, that he is hurting. It reminds me of the feeling I will still sometimes get about my twin brother, where somehow I just know that he needs me. It happened more frequently when we were kids, but it's happened a handful of times as young adults and even now.
I wish things were different and that just like with my first, that it would be no big deal to reach out when I think of him. Right now we've finally made it just over a year of no contact for the first time since this all began in 2014. That feels like a big deal and considering the last time I reached out was to share condolences and so innocuous and was ignored, I know I just have to ignore this feeling. Part of me wants to ask mutual friends if anything is going on, but I know it's more important I get it through to this stubborn heart of mine that the man and his well being is none of my concern.
I hope the worry I feel fades soon enough. The dreaming of him has increased and it's just not been the best way to start my days... Especially when they're nice dreams and I quickly remember they're nothing more than a dream.
