Dang there's way more changes ahead and they might be happening sooner than I initially planned. This year has certainly started off with a bang. I finally got covid, my sister broke up with her boyfriend of seven years and I already bluntly told Champlain this is our last year together. Never thought I'd be jealous of a break up, but here I am.
I already had that simmering and then I went to New Orleans last weekend for a bachelorette and spent a lot of time with former colleagues who now all know about my past with the man. One of them actually is now a direct report to him and she's the one who left her husband for our other coworker almost a year ago now. Got a front row view to their love fest. I also got super high for the first time in a long time.
Being high on Bourbon Street was definitely a magical experience, a memory I'm gonna cherish for sure. Being back there in general was quite a trip. Whenever I get that high I keep continuing the same delusion, this same idea that the end of the world is finally here and it's going to end the way it began-with a great big bang. Basically my brain starts working rapid fire making all these connections about my life and the people in it and making sense out of everything. I always reach the same conclusion that we're all connected, that we all came from the same place and we'll all go back to it. There's also always this belief that everyone that's ever mattered to me is waiting for me to make these connections and surrender to them. Somehow I know I'm the last one of my soul family to figure this shit out and they're all watching, everything I do in this life has basically been a movie for them and thank God it's been entertaining lol. Usually when the whole thing starts I get scared at first but then I feel relief because I'm hoping that it's all finally over, that I can stop trying so hard to make this whole life thing be worth while, I can just rest and I'll be with everyone that I care about. It's always been accompanied with this feeling that the time apart from the man is finally over and that always makes me deliriously happy.
I'm pretty sure getting high like that and talking directly about him and our history is why I needed to write in the blog just for my thoughts to him for the first time in almost a year! I was like a week shy. That's some serious progress but shows I'm still stuck on that particular brand of love. I've never had a love that made the rest of my life make sense the way things with him did and I think that's always been the draw of it. Burdman always says that one person always loves the other person more, that someone else is always more invested. In the beginning of that love story as I was just leaving my marriage I really thought the man was crazy for telling his wife he wanted out to be with me, I didn't feel like I could trust any of what was happening, but gosh it's so many years later and it turns out it was me all along that loved him more.
I'm not sure how things are going to go down with Champlain, I don't think I'm gonna last until the end of the year. I just know I'm ready to try again to find what I know I'm capable of feeling.
