Drained

Well it was a hell of a fucking week and I'm very grateful to be home at my place, Champlain is sitting across from me on the day bed playing some video games while Lady cuddles next to him and I'm just dicking around on the chromebook. I got a flu shot and my covid booster earlier this afternoon and just waiting to see how shitty I'll feel lol. 

I was already feeling anxious about the possibility of seeing the man at the end of last week and then on Saturday Buddah let me know that I definitely was going to, no matter which option of the memorial events I chose to attend so it just got fucking worse and basically Friday through Sunday I was not able to get my fucking brain to shut off any earlier than like 4:30 in the morning. So went into the week sleep deprived and then it was just kinda nonstop after I left my place Monday morning to head to PA in time for a 1:00pm meeting and some fires at work due to incompetent people...I'm at least glad that Sunday night I was able to be a little more forthcoming with Champlain about how I was feeling. Like I had told him immediately that I was feeling anxious about seeing the man, but nothing more than that, but Sunday night I ended up going more into it and cried on the phone. At one point I was telling him how fucking frustrated I was to be having such a big reaction to this when it's been years and when I'm so happy and love him and why isn't that enough and he made it a point to stop me right there. He was like no no no, us has nothing to do with this, your body is reacting to trauma and a situation you never got closure in, there's nothing wrong with that. It truly made me feel better and I decided that if I was going to unfortunately have a panic attack like I would in the office during the times when I didn't know where I stood with the man, I'd prefer to have it in the setting of the happy hour and not at any of the formal events. 

So I went to the happy hour on Tuesday and there were so many people there that I hadn't seen in years that I almost immediately forgot that he was going to be showing up at any moment. I was in the middle of talking to someone when he came in from a side door instead of the open garage door I was facing and next thing I know he was directly behind me. I was pleasantly surprised that he greeted me with an opening for a hug that I promptly accepted. I figured that would be it, that we'd keep our distance, but eventually there he was standing right in front of me as I was having a conversation with another former colleague about Champlain. We ended up getting to chat a bit about random things, mostly superficial, but I did get to see photos of his family dressed up for Halloween and I just remember feeling so relieved with how well it went. I didn't get the butterflies that I used to get when in his presence, there wasn't the sexual tension that would often be there, it was just this sense of the familiar and being genuinely pleased that it seemed that he was happy. He even made a point to say goodbye and I asked for one more hug which he obliged. I slept so well that night and just thought that finally we were moving on to a phase where maybe catching up could be an ok thing.

Wednesday afternoon after getting up at 4 in the fucking morning to pick up Buddah from the airport and then working straight from 6:30am at Burdman's kitchen table until like 2:30pm, he mentioned that the man was going to wait for us before heading into the visitation at the funeral home. I texted him not too long after that saying I was glad he wasn't going to be alone and that I had been worried and wished he could just join our carpool but was grateful that he had acknowledged me the day before. He told me that it was nice to see me and that it seemed I was doing well and that he was happy for that. I responded saying that I would like to genuinely catch up and hear about his life if he was open to it and that I was relieved that he seemed happy and then he never responded. It wasn't necessarily something that needed a response, and I didn't initially think much of it, but then later that day when we all met up outside the funeral home he didn't greet me and then could barely make eye contact with me even though we all waited in line together for like an hour. When we all parted ways for the evening, again nothing, it was SO fucking weird and I totally have whiplash about it. Apparently I crossed some invisible line that he refuses to define for me and it's frustrating as fuck. I know the only reason why I was interested in catching up was so that I don't have to fucking wonder anymore how he's doing, I could just know and then maybe thoughts of him would finally stop being so fucking intrusive.

When I was explaining more details about the last "round" with the man to Champlain I finally was able to articulate why I had been so mad initially when I found out he had chosen to stay in his marriage. It wasn't that he had chosen her over me, like sure learning that would have always hurt, but would not have made me angry, cuz it's not a wrong choice. If you can make things work to keep your family together, that is always a worthwhile thing and something I'm a big supporter of and feel like I always made that clear when we were in contact with each other. What made me mad was that he didn't tell me himself, and instead let me just find out and then chose to ignore me making me feel like I had done something wrong. I think it hurt that he apparently didn't think that I would be capable of accepting that choice and eventually reaching a place where I could be happy for him. I think I thought he knew me enough to know that at the end of the day the only thing I cared about was his happiness, even if it didn't include me.

Overall it was a pretty sad and draining week but it truly was nice to see so many people that seemed so happily surprised to see me. It really made me miss what it was like truly working with your friends. I genuinely like a lot of the people I work with, but I'm not friends with any of them, and now, I'm just alone for the majority of my time. I'm pretty excited that soon, my work from home days I won't be alone and could have lunch with Champlain and the occasional afternoon delight... I think that will be really nice.

Well this next week is gonna go by in a blur I'm sure and at the end of it, it'll be moving day!!! Genuinely pumped to get into the new place and setup a new home with my little family. 

Sideways

I was supposed to be off today... but this week went completely sideways for a multitude of reasons but the most disheartening one was learning that a former colleague took his own life on Monday. We didn't know each other well enough for me to feel like I can call him a friend, but I have genuine memories of moments of connection with this person and when I read his obituary today I just started crying and then immediately donated to the suicide prevention organization his parents are promoting. These types of things are difficult to process, and today was the first time I cried about it, when I initially heard Tuesday afternoon I felt my stomach drop and then went into fact finding mode and then comforting my friends that were more directly impacted. Talked to a lot of former co-workers, and helped Buddah plan her trip home for the services. Spent nearly two hours on the phone that night with Burdman just sorting through all his thoughts and that inevitable rabbit hole of was there anything he could of done that could have maybe resulted in a different outcome. Buddah and the young man were pretty close when she was still local and she was somewhat aware that he had mental health struggles and is now beating herself up for not keeping up contact when she moved. I keep trying to remind her that she had a lot going on these past two years with her own mental health...

It's just all around shitty and one of the first thoughts I had was well fuck, if someone like that, handsome, close to his family, lots of friends, has his own place and a good job decides that's the option that looks best, what hope do I have for my twin...but I spoke to him last night and was telling him about the suicide and that I'm gonna be in town for most of next week now for work meetings and to attend some of the planned events to celebrate the life we just lost and that maybe he'd be interested in hanging out at my place in Baltimore for a few days with Lady for me. He has turned into a bit of an agoraphobe during this pandemic and he wasn't able to commit, but I will say it was uplifting to hear him say "Well shit, maybe I'm more resilient than I thought, I'd kill just to have two of those things, my own place and a good job would make such a difference." I'm definitely more eager than ever to get him down here and close to me.

Right now though,  while I'm mostly focused on making sure I'm there for Buddah and whatever she needs to be able to say goodbye, I'd be lying to say I haven't started to feel some anxiety about whether that means I'm putting myself in a position to possibly see the man. I don't know if I'm supposed to avoid some of the planned events I've been invited to or what... I wish I could just reach out and ask him what he wants but that feels like I'd be violating his clear wish to be strangers. Like it's amazing how a tragedy like this just pulls on all the common threads of connection and while talking to all these people I could feel how sad my heart was that he wasn't one of them. Personally I think it'd be really nice to see him and finally get a damn hug. I think I've needed it and I think it'd help me feel at peace with everything. I'm sick of feeling like I have an enemy out there and it truly does make me sad that it's reached that. I don't think I believe we could ever be friends perse, but maybe at least we could finally be where I'm at with my first love. Two people that once loved each other that are no longer active parts of each other's lives but actively root for each other's happiness and reaching out is always welcomed and we catch up once in a blue moon. I think that would be nice but I feel very doubtful that will ever be a thing. I think now that I've been in an actual relationship for over a year now and it's with someone that actually thinks about me and is always doing things to make my life easier and has never made me question if I mattered to them, the rose colored glasses have finally shattered. I definitely still miss that feeling where it felt like I didn't need to say much for the man to understand exactly what I meant, I think the many shared experiences really did allow for a unique connection, but it's much easier now to see that I really should have believed him years ago when he flat out told me he didn't know why I liked him because he was kind of an asshole. For all the times I was there for him when his life was in the shitter, I deserved a whole lot more than what I got in the end. I think that "someday" that never got to be explored will remain a pretty big what if for my life, but that feeling that I missed out on my chance at true happiness has definitely evaporated. The life I have now with Champlain is not one I could have ever had with the man and I feel pretty fucking grateful for this life and know it's exactly where I'm meant to be for this phase of my life.

I still have no idea what my long-term looks like, but the next few years feel pretty clear, and they're here in Baltimore with Champlain who, as Burdman put it, is a fucking saint for deciding to move in with me and eventually my brother. I think I'm gonna remain in a pretty high anxiety state until like Christmas, but thank goodness there's a bunch of fun things sprinkled throughout to look forward to. 

Transitions

I know that I should already be sleeping, but at least I'm in bed...Right now the desire to know if the man ever thinks of me at all is stronger than it's been in a very long time. My first time opening facebook up after the site was down earlier this week for the most of the day, the very first image that loaded was a picture of him with a few other former colleagues. I hadn't seen his face in a long time, he definitely looks older, seems like he stopped dying is hair and let all the gray in. Still handsome, but so squarely a stranger. I truly thought we were at least friends at one point, but friends at least respect each other enough to reply and say goodbye. 

I'm annoyed to even be thinking about him because I just finished primping myself for a lovely DC date with Champlain to celebrate our Anniversary. I can hardly believe it has been a year already, and my what a year it has been. It's exciting to share that I get to celebrate something like that after so many years of being alone. I wish I knew there was the potential for him to be it, but right now I'm just so grateful for finally knowing what it's like to have someone who genuinely thinks about what's best for me and follows through.  So much of my life has been nothing but empty words from people who claimed to love me, it has been a really nice change of pace to actually know there's someone I can rely on, instead of always being relied upon. He's really something else, especially since he apparently loves me enough to move into a bigger apartment together with the intent of having enough space for my twin to move in with us. I don't really know many people that would be so willing to do that, but he just knows, understands, and accepts how important my twin is to me.  I haven't lived with a significant other since 2013 and I haven't had a roommate other than Lady in three years. I certainly have a major transition ahead of me, but I'm mostly just so excited.

I hope someday that even seeing the man's face won't cause me to revisit all the familiar thought loops of was it ever love and do I still matter because I'm sick of happy moments in my life being tainted by the most hurtful experience of my life. I once told the man that the experience of him first reaching back out in 2017 before even knowing he was getting divorced had been a net negative for me. It was the easiest way to sum it all up, but now, after two more rounds of his nonsense and a few years of being dead to each other it seems silly to act like it was a close call. The very few positives don't even come close to balancing out the very impactful negatives to my life and all the things I lost because of loving him. I mean I left my job, and when that didn't work, I eventually decided that not only was it good for my career, but great for my mental health to move to a different state in the middle of a pandemic even though I had spent the last 5 years building up quite a community of friends from frisbee and work. Sometimes I think I've forgiven all that has happened, but I still feel so hurt when I think about how he just drifted into radio silence never to acknowledge me again. Most of me wants to believe he knew being dead to each other was the best for us both and he didn't think keeping things amicable would ever result in that, so he had to be cruel to be kind. But it's hard to accept that and so very difficult to understand his choices. I've wondered lately if what I feel for this person is even love, I'm not sure because I no longer have any confidence that I ever knew them, and loving the idea of someone is not the same as loving them, but I know my heart worries about his happiness so that's gotta mean something. 

Relieved

The last couple of weeks have been more than overwhelming, but everything is finally settling down and I can clearly see that it will all be alright.

My twin's mental health struggles culminated in a psychotic break right after Father's day. My mother had to file this special warrant to trigger an involuntary admittance to a psychiatric facility. He's been there for nearly two weeks but will be released tomorrow! Well I guess today. I had a night meeting in PA and was already in town, so I extended my stay so that I can go pick him up with my parents. The whole thing has been a bit of a blur because I'm also in crunch time with my non-profit and in the midst of campaigning against the city's project. It has been a bit taxing to feel so helpless when trying to "save" two different aspects of my life that mean so much to me and are large parts of my identity. 

This long holiday weekend I was supposed to be in the UK with Champlain, however not all COVID restrictions have been lifted for foreigners so we had to cancel, but I ended up still taking the PTO and I'm actually so grateful I listened to him when he suggested I do so. It was really nice to just have 6 days off with very few obligations, and the majority of them just pure fun. I'm getting back into the swing of things with Frisbee and it feels so good to really run and be in my cleats. Softball starts next week and Champlain is trying to get me into climbing. I think pretty soon I'll be back to my normal levels of physical activity and I'm really excited for that. 

Champlain had the majority of the last 6 days off as well and it was really nice to spend so much time together and I've been so fucking grateful that for once in my life when I was really going through something rather traumatic I had a significant other that was right there next to me holding me as I cried. I really don't remember the last time I knew someone was going to be there for me like that. I definitely have always had friends and such that I could count on, but there's just a different level of intimacy when it's your partner, the one you're in this on-going conversation and dance with across the mundanity of your daily lives. On Sunday we went tubing on the river with my sister and some of her friends and then went home to shower and some of us napped off the alcohol and then met up for dinner and hoped to play games, but everyone was pretty pooped from the day in the sun and the drinking. When we got back to Champlain's I was reading my Sunday secrets cuz we'd had an early morning, and no phones most of the day, and after asking what I was looking at, he joined me on the bed and said "Well, I have a secret." To which of course I enthusiastically replied, "You do?! What is it?"  He then told me he loved me and that I'm a special lady and it was really kinda precious and I told him I loved him too, because I do. I was so nervous that saying those words would somehow change the dynamic and make me forget that the long term isn't an option, but freeing the words from my heart have just opened me more up to the happiness of now. Right now I am in a loving and healthy relationship for the first time. I don't wonder where I stand, I don't have anxiety about it ending, and I don't worry about hurting him. I'm just in it and reveling in the goodness of it. 

The next day we spent walking around downtown Baltimore, got crabs, and then went to the aquarium and it was so fun to see how we got excited about the same things throughout the exhibits. I'm pretty sure I spent 90% of that day smiling. Yesterday when I got off the phone with him in front of my mother and ended the call saying, "I love you" caused me to completely gush to her and say "We say that now" like he was my first boyfriend lol.

It will hurt when things will have to end, but it always was going to, but now I no longer have to hold my tongue when I feel my heart explode a little when he does something silly, or plays with Lady, or is incredibly kind and considerate in making sure my day is just a little bit easier. After all the sadness I experienced in my twenties, I'm pretty relieved my 30s are starting off on a better trajectory.

A dream

I've been feeling overwhelmed by life lately and wanting a break from deadlines and anyone relying on me... I got to spend some time with family in South Dakota but there were still expectations. 

I think I desperately need some alone time and I hope I can carve some time out for it sooner than later. I just continually want to hit pause. The level of stress I currently feel is definitely not healthy, and it doesn't help that I can barely even admit to myself how stressed I am because the internal chatter keeps saying things like "what are you even so stressed about, you only have to take care of you, you've got it easy."

Between being backed up at work, trying hard to save the beloved fields of the non-profit I'm a board member of and actual plans with people, I'm just overloaded and my capability to be this busy is just not what it was. It's definitely not helping that thoughts of the man are way more invasive than they have been, to the point where wanting to reach out has crossed my mind. I've missed him other times for sure, and sometimes felt the need to talk to him, but that's what the blog is for, so I would write to no one, and then the feeling would pass. This is different, I feel this incredible urge to check in on him, this feeling that something is wrong, that he is hurting. It reminds me of the feeling I will still sometimes get about my twin brother, where somehow I just know that he needs me. It happened more frequently when we were kids, but it's happened a handful of times as young adults and even now. 

I wish things were different and that just like with my first, that it would be no big deal to reach out when I think of him. Right now we've finally made it just over a year of no contact for the first time since this all began in 2014. That feels like a big deal and considering the last time I reached out was to share condolences and so innocuous and was ignored, I know I just have to ignore this feeling. Part of me wants to ask mutual friends if anything is going on, but I know it's more important I get it through to this stubborn heart of mine that the man and his well being is none of my concern. 

I hope the worry I feel fades soon enough. The dreaming of him has increased and it's just not been the best way to start my days... Especially when they're nice dreams and I quickly remember they're nothing more than a dream.

Foolish

Foolish... that's the lasting feeling I have about things with the man. I reached a place of anger about the whole thing a little while ago because I've been thinking of him more lately and dreaming of him and it's been pissing me off because I don't understand it. I think I hoped by now thoughts of him would have faded much more than they have...

I was home recently and got to hang out with Burdman which was awesome. It was so good to see him and to catch up. I'm not so certain about the long-term future with his lady, but I'm still so fucking proud that he's really trying again. I got to facetime her with him during the visit, and she seems nice enough, has a pretty face, and is close with her family. All good things, but that doesn't mean she's a good partner for my friend and that's what he's trying to figure out. She doesn't seem to be as considerate as he is, but I can't help but wonder how much of that is due to the fact that she has a lot more people to constantly be considerate about being a mother. So is it a character flaw or needing to relearn to think of another person after not experiencing true partnership for a long time. Only time will tell if their points of friction right now are just the growing pains of two independent adults trying to integrate their very different lives and responsibilities, or are they issues that will slowly grow resentment and eventually tear them apart. 

Overall though it was a much needed night of normalcy, and it felt great to be able to talk about the man and not be sad at all, just kinda over the whole thing. I didn't share that he's been in my thoughts more recently, it's just a nuisance at this point. But while I was home I drove by my old place and vividly remembered how when things ended the last time how much I had hoped to come home to his car in the parking lot waiting for me, to want to talk to me, to just actually have a conversation about actually being over and letting go, to perhaps say I'm still messed up in my own life and have so much I need to take care of, and I can't keep dragging you along, but I love you and our connection is real and matters to me. I think having that would have let me find peace much sooner, instead all of this time I've spent feeling so crazy for believing anything he ever said and like I never knew him at all. None of it sits right, and it may never, but I've definitely come a long way in accepting it for what it is now.

For such a long time I let myself believe we were inevitable, and saw signs everywhere, and sometimes I still see them and just mutter to myself how foolish I am. This past weekend I got my first haircut since before the pandemic, and I decided to finally shave off the left side and got a lotus straight razored in. I fucking love it and am pumped about my new stylist. However, as soon as I stepped inside the shop they were playing Wicked Game, the very first song the man shared with me, and one that has followed me over the years,  but it's been a while since I've heard it randomly. I sat down on the couch after checking in, not believing it was playing and trying to ignore it, and decided to pick up a massive book on the coffee table titled something like the book of birthdays. I just opened it up, not paying attention, and opened it to the very page of his birthday.  Moments like that it's hard to believe it's just coincidence and not some warning that he's getting ready to pop back into my life. The initial reaction to the idea of that is anxiety, because good lord I think I've suffered enough and the end result has only ever been pain. Then after that feeling subsides, most of me wishes we weren't strangers, and that I could have my friend back. And then a REALLY tiny piece of me begins to wonder, was my hopelessly romantic self right, are we inevitable? I quickly then tell myself to lock it up and get my shit together and think about anything else. 

Density came to visit for his birthday and it was so much fun. Again, so nice to experience some normalcy and super awesome to have a buddy to play tourist with and explore. We checked out the AVAM which I'm in love with and bought an annual membership. They currently have an exhibit all about the science of sleep with bedrooms created by artists. One of the panels said that our dreams can often manifest our greatest fears and finally that recurring dream I've had for years about being in the man's house and watching their life just clicked. The idea of a life with him is the closest I've got to finding what I want and I think this dream is my fear that I'm forever doomed to just be on the outside of what I want -- a family and a home. But Champlain came over during the week last week and we laid down to cuddle after lunch and Lady joined us, and she was on my chest and his arms were around me and I was like "My little family, I'm so happy". And I meant it. I think I love him and I wish we had a future, but I'm so grateful to have him for now. Knowing the eventual pain, it may be foolish continuing on, but I've never been one to not see something through, even when the odds were not in my favor.   

When I left my marriage I promised myself no regrets, and I think I'm doing a bang up job making good on that promise.

BDE

Today was the best day ever. It started off with knowing I was getting my second dose of the vaccine and while waiting in line I found out I passed the Environmental PE!!! I am finally a licensed engineer! I seriously almost cried when I saw the green PASSED. I've been pretty ecstatic the whole day. So many texts, calls, and emails with congratulations, it's been overwhelming and wonderful. But with possibly being down for the count the next day or two, I had so much work to get done today and didn't quite finish so hopefully I'm marginally functional, but just now, I almost passed out in the shower....

I was so grateful I had so many people so genuinely happy for my success but it was annoying to acknowledge there was a moment I wished I could share the news with the man. But for once the fact that I couldn't didn't cause me to spiral. I'm not sure anything could have ruined today. 

I think I'm going to sleep like the dead and I can't wait.

Brave Optimism

 I decided it was time to deactivate my social media accounts again to get serious about this last month of studying, but I checked through my memories for the day just now and came across a note I wrote three years ago just over a month after the man had completely blindsided me with the break up and I honestly have never been more hurt, and this is coming from someone who has been unasked to be a bridesmaid by one of their oldest friends, and had a parent kick them out of their apartment and put them up in a hotel because their girlfriend didn't like them.... so like that's saying something. 

Rainy lazy Sunday thoughts

Life is made up of "Befores" and "Afters" that change you for the better or for the worse. While these moments can be life events or unforseen circumstances, they are often accompanied by someone entering or leaving your life, both of which can turn into blessings or lessons and it's up to you to decide how to frame that within your life narrative. I'll never subscribe to the belief that when things don't work out how you expected them to, that it means it wasn't worth it, or was all a waste of time. I just don't think it's ever that black and white. 

Oftentimes when someone hurts you immensely it's easy to respond with anger, at them, and to yourself when you begin to run through all the things you could have done differently to change the outcome. But maybe when someone hurts you to the degree where you wonder if you ever even knew them, they don't currently know themselves, and there's nothing you can do to help them, and it's honestly best to part ways. Give yourself a chance to see what else is in store for you. However, should your paths align again, it'll be your choice to forgive or to continue to love from afar cuz lord knows once deep feelings form, they are always there, they just get a little bit fainter over time. 

There's so much emphasis to be happy, and put on a brave face, but the notion that emotions like anger, sadness, and fear are negative, is dangerous. Emotions are natural responses to our surroundings, data points if you will, that are there to help inform you about how you should react in any given situation. You are not your emotions. Susan David in this amazing book called "Emotional Agility" references Viktor Frankl, a psychiatrist who survived a Nazi death camp and then went on to write "Man's Search for Meaning". In it Frankl says that "between stimulus and response there is a space" and "in that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom."

Some may think to forgive is naïve and foolish and perhaps sometimes it can be, but we're all only human and we all can be impulsive and reckless and do things that don't always align with what we truly want. I think to forgive is brave optimism, a choice to always see the good and I refuse to let anything in this life turn me permanently bitter.

I felt so proud reading this knowing that even in the depths of that hurt I had moments of clarity and being able to see the big picture and that I truly didn't allow the experience to turn me bitter. I'm still the same hopeless romantic optimist that I was then, just had a lot of triggers to process and now move slower in relationships these days, but my belief that what I was after is out there hasn't really waned. In fact, that annoying voice that says I haven't gone through everything that I have to settle is what's making it difficult to feel settled in my now. I truly adore Champlain, and I want to let myself fall into it, but because the long term feels untouchable with him, I'm holding back. In four months I'll turn 32 and this idea of starting a family at 35 feels super close all of a sudden. I want the opportunity to have at least two years of marriage child free to create a strong foundation of what we look like without the stress of child rearing, to bank a bunch of memories to pull from when we need to and so when you do the math, that means getting married at 33. Sooooo yea, I feel like I'm running out of time. 

I think part of why Jane the Virgin was as triggering as it was is because part of that story echoed the day dream I once had where the man and I had a little boy together, just like Jane and Raf and that while Raf had love for Petra and of course cared most about being a good father to his twin daughters, he and Jane were meant to be, just like believed I was made for the man. There was definitely a time where I thought how perfect that would all be, be a part time mother figure for a few years and then when I was ready to have my world turned upside down, we'd have one of our own, and ideally a little boy and I would have my inner idea of a perfect family with three kids. Last weekend with my sister and after binging JTV, I finally grieved the part of me that had been so eager to be able love on these twin baby girls that I'd been watching grow up and had worried about from afar for almost their entire lives. It's wild to be sad about the loss of something that never existed, just only in your dreams. 

While a life with the man would not have been easy, I know that I was very capable of handling it with grace but I do try to take solace in the fact that I don't have to navigate something like that. I do have the true freedom of having a clean slate with someone and making our own family that doesn't have to ever be shared or part time, and for the most part these days I'm so happy for the man that he doesn't have to miss out on anything from his daughter's lives. 

Right now I'm telling myself I don't have to make any decisions until I'm vaccinated, but I'm still over thinking a bit about meeting Champlain's mother this weekend. I really want to be building towards a future with someone and I'm just not secure enough in this relationship for that to feel like that's what I'm doing.

The first and the last

I was just laying in bed trying to turn off my brain to get some sleep but I'm currently binging through Jane the Virgin and with all the convoluted love stories of people breaking up and coming back together, the man is on my mind.  The last few episodes were so focused on all the twists and turns and crazy things that had to happen to bring the characters to their nows. They even went back to the beginning for some of them. Just now I was realizing I vividly remember every first kiss we shared, but the last ones, not as much and I wonder if it's because every time I never knew it was the last one so I just wasn't paying enough attention for the memory to stick. But each of those firsts, there had been such a build up, I knew they were important.

I remember the first time we ever interacted in the hallway outside of the ladies room that I had just left and he acted like he didn't know who I was, even though he later told me he did. That apparently we both had noticed one another, recognized an instant attraction, and a strange pull and desire to know one another. 

Years later in the beginnings of my divorce and two short weeks, of inappropriate conversations and one on one walks, that felt like an eternity, he made that offer to drive me to the shore. That very first kiss in that boat on the beach with the steady crashing of the waves will probably forever be the best first kiss I've ever had. The combination of having wanted it to happen for years at that point, and then being teased with the potential for those weeks and knowing it wasn't allowed, just made it all the more tantalizing. I don't remember the last kiss... I know it must have been a quick peck as I left his place that Sunday morning before I would later confess to my sister my transgressions and then tell him that until he made a lasting decision and determined his marriage was not salvageable we needed to be over. I remember when he begged to talk in person, and we sat in my car, in the parking lot outside of the barnes and noble that haunts me to this day any time I visit that shopping center, and I asked if I could touch him as we both cried. Not even to kiss him even though I wanted to, but just to comfort him and he told me no and I felt my heart break just a little bit more. 

Two and half years later he would randomly text me one night after reaching out via the work communicator earlier that week, breaking a nearly six month span of zero contact, not even friendly chats around the office. He would tell me that he and his wife were separated and that he was getting a divorce and that he wanted to see me. We would meet up at a park and sit in my car and he would share the crazy that had been his life the last few weeks and then almost as if no time had passed I would find myself basically on his lap and fervently kissing him while also feeling his hesitation. Even so, he invited me over that night, and even though so much of me knew it was such a bad idea and I should have kept my distance, I had spent those years feeling almost nothing and it was intoxicating to feel so alive. Again I don't remember the last kiss just that it was probably a quick peck as he met me in my car on my birthday before I headed back to Pittsburgh when he told me he no longer thought coming out to visit me was a good idea. Four days later we would fight over text and it was clear he had not decided at all if he was really getting divorced and I told him he was a selfish asshole for reaching out to me and blocked him on my phone. I would spend the summer trying to forget the reunion had happened at all and did my best to immerse myself in my life out there with new friends and a cute boy who was infatuated with me. I tried to tell him everything was temporary... but it didn't matter. 

Shortly after spending a week home, the very day I finally had the guts to end things with the boy and stop using him as a crutch the man reached out with an email telling me he missed me and asking when we would see each other. I told him I didn't know but that I needed him to leave me alone. But it only took a sappy romance and a few glasses of wine for me to text him late one night not even two days later asking if he was still awake. During that conversation he would tell me he loved me for the first time in three years. A little over a week later we agreed to meet up. I remember sitting on Buddha's couch, stalling to meet him, nervous as fuck knowing I was opening the door again to someone who had the power to pulverize my heart. I went anyways, and after walking around the park and chatting and catching up and recognizing that the timing was still shit, we stood by our cars and I mustered up the courage to ask him if he meant what he said, if he still loved me. He told me he did and asked if he could kiss me. It was soft, and sweet, and tentative and the desire for more was difficult to dampen. We parted ways with the idea that we would try friendship but we failed at that. Yet again, I don't remember the last kiss because I don't think we did when I walked into his office on his birthday after finding out he had been there for a while and he hadn't told me and his expression just looked guilty and so I just sat in the seat across from him. We then proceeded to have the most heart breaking conversation of my life, and then I followed it up with awkwardly giving the man who had just broken up with me,  the cheesy gift I made to help replenish his buckets of alone time, quality time together, and time outside the relationship. I know I went over the top with it, but at the time I felt so helpless in being able to ease the burdens of his life and everything that was going on...I know we eventually hugged and accidentally spilled my mocha mint iced coffee everywhere, but I don't remember a kiss and I don't actually remember the last time we had seen each other before that...I know the last time I ever spent a night next to him was the night of the holiday party a week prior.

It would be a long ten months before we'd be alone together again. After two months of going back and forth about possibly meeting up, on the third time we made plans, I didn't bail. I wore a dress, put my hair up, and couldn't believe I was surprised by how immediately the desire to kiss him returned as soon as I opened my door to greet him. We awkwardly hugged and I ran back up to get my purse and we walked to the bar. We didn't eat, I'm not sure my nerves would have allowed me to if we had...just drinks, and we chatted about whatever, I no longer remember, I just remember making him laugh and seeing him smile. It had been almost six months since I left the firm and it was just so nice to see him. We closed the tab and walked back to my place and up the stairs and I gave a "tour" of the two rooms and could feel myself rambling trying to calm my nerves because I had no idea how things were going to progress and then all of a sudden he practically lunged towards me, grabbed my face in his hands and kissed me hard. It was easy after that, like always, it felt like no time had passed. I had expected him to stay the night, but the time went quickly and I remember standing on my stoop almost near eye level for once with me saying I wish it didn't have to end and him saying it didn't and me saying you know this is it. But of course it wasn't, but over those next four months, he never would spend the night. As with all the other times, I don't remember the last kiss...I know it had to have been that afternoon delight a few days before things imploded, but it had been a quick encounter, I don't even remember getting a decent view of his face. We made genuine lunch plans for the next day, but he had to runoff after forgetting a prior engagement, and I just sat there eating my food. I didn't even hug him, and I never would again. I would beat myself up about that for years to come.

A few months later I would see him briefly across a crowded bar, slowly working up the courage to interact, and had brought a sketch of the tattoo I was currently planning as an ice breaker, because I will forever be an overthinker. By the time I had the nerve to ask a mutual friend if they had seen him recently, they told me he had left. I would reach out saying as much, but the conversation was like pulling teeth. I had no idea he was already trying again with his wife. I wouldn't figure that out until over a month later after seeing him in person for the last time but never interacting. It's been over a year and a half since then, and over a year since the last time he communicated with me, and that was just to avoid one another at a social event. The last time I reached out was last May after an internet stalking session informed me of the passing of his grandmother and I was feeling nostalgic as I was packing up my life to move to yet another state. He never acknowledged and the finality of us being strangers finally sank in. 

For so long I was so convinced that it was real and genuine and that I had been made to love him. That everything in my life that I had endured had prepared me to be capable of being what he needed and in return I finally had someone I was completely sure about. It was the best feeling to have zero doubts. I had fears and worries, but no doubts that he was what I wanted. 

The voice that says I was just a vacation home for his penis, a band aid for his ego, and a free therapist for his problems, grew pretty loud. I don't hear it so often these days, thankfully the heavy sadness that once tainted everything is no longer this ever present thing. Instead it pops in every now and then, some triggers I can anticipate, others catch me off guard. Right now it makes me sad how hard it is to believe it was ever love, because I genuinely never wanted to reach that place, but alas, here we are. So much of me wonders how the man frames these memories in his life story and if I ever was anything other than a mistake. 

The time will come...

I should already be in bed, but I'm waiting for midnight Denver time, Buddha has had a hell of year and I want to call and leave a message right as she enters a new year of life and on the day of a new moon no less. She deserves a fresh start. But while I wait for that it's probably worth while trying to think through what is going on. I've been thinking more about the man lately and I haven't a clue why. Like I knew I would around his birthday, but why is it lingering? Why do I feel myself wanting him to reach out? I really don't understand. I decided to do some social media canvassing and discovered tonight one of his best friends is finally dating someone seriously enough to be featured in the profile picture and I was genuinely excited for this person I met once and had only one other long conversation via instagram with. I truly wanted to know all the people in his life that were important to him and I wanted to know him through their eyes, if that makes sense. 

Champlain doesn't have any life long friends like that, the one he did turned into a conspiracy nut while they were in college and he no longer keeps in touch, but last weekend I did meet a bunch of his climbing friends at an outdoor bonfire. It was truly a fun and enjoyable night and I feel like I could really form my own friendships with some of these people, but then I found myself wondering what was the point. This isn't my forever, it's just right now, why invest in something that won't go anywhere and now I'm in a weird funk about everything. I'm starting to have these thought loops of what is the point, has my life improved with the addition of him? If I take away the sex, what is left? I'm struggling to answer that...we've been talking a lot lately about his finances and such and while what someone makes is not important to me, I did start to wonder if he would just be someone I felt like had to take care of or compensate for...especially when we've started talking about traveling when it's safe to do so and that's not a cheap hobby. He's my main source of human contact right now, and we do enjoy each other's company for sure and have similar senses of humor and he's teaching me about gaming and he's helpful with making dinner and cleaning up after, but he has WRECKED all the progress I made in having a bed time and routine. I literally have not managed to stick with it for more than a day or two since we started dating. He's a night owl worse than me and it just hasn't been good. But mostly I find myself wondering if it means anything at all that I don't get excited to see him the way I once did to see the man...I definitely was excited to see Champlain after my trip to South Dakota, and for a long time hangouts with the man were just so irregular and so many timespans of months apart...Yet I remember times when we were on and still working together and I would literally see him everyday and interact a decent amount through out the day and yet I would still get these crazy excited butterflies when I had plans with him. I miss that feeling, I miss being that into someone. I really thought the world of him and meant it when I told him he was my favorite. 

Maybe as Champlain and I move further along and I actually fall in love with him, it will change, or maybe because I know there's no future, it will never get there.  I was so tired of being alone and feeling like I wasn't anyone's top priority but this nagging thought that I haven't found what I'm looking for and there's more effort ahead of me to actually find it won't shut up. I want so badly to have someone to love and do kind and considerate things for... I bought him a bunch of stuff for valentines and his birthday and it's probably too much, but they're mostly things he needs and I wanted to and I care about him a lot, but I am definitely feeling myself holding back because it can't be forever, I don't get to fully relax because I know "my search" isn't over.

I know that's part of why I held on to the man for as long as I did, I got wrapped up in that feeling of surety that he was everything I had ever hoped to find in a partner and there was no point to look elsewhere, I just needed to figure out how to make it work. Perhaps a part of me is still too stubborn to admit I was wrong. I really thought I knew him, and I really believed it to be love, but can you actually love someone who never really let you in? Sometimes I find myself revisiting his words when he told me he was sorry for everything, that he knew things didn't work out how I had hoped, but that he had always loved me and had never meant to hurt me. On bad days I used to search through our gchat history just reread that exchange, it's burned into my memory now. It's good I deleted all of it, it truly has made a difference that when I do miss him, I really can't dive back into all the memories the way I used to. 

Perhaps I'm focusing on the man because he's still my benchmark of what I want, but in reality that's so not true. I don't want an indecisive, deceptive, selfish and ambivalent partner. I want someone with convictions and determination that knows they want me in their life and doesn't take me for granted and thinks they're lucky to have met me and to be loved by me. I would choose that over the messed up always an almost without a doubt. I know Champlain feels lucky to have me in his life and doesn't take me for granted and aside from the kids conversation, does see longterm and right now that's enough. I'm allowed to revel in the happy of now, even if it's not forever and I've never been one to be ok with being partially in, so if this is my life right now, and he's who I'm choosing to give my energy to, then that's what I've decided to be all in on and I should go for it. The time will come when it cannot progress further, I don't have to preemptively make that happen, not when there's so many other memories I'd like to make with him.

Season of Growth

Welp it's been a while since I've written which is usually an indicator that I'm pretty happy and I'd say that's accurate. There definitely was some heavy stuff at the end of the year, but I've really solidified my support network and have such a healthy and communicative relationship with Champlain that honestly I don't really feel like it was traumatizing at all. I did feel the need to write about it, but not here... I know that no one really reads this blog anymore now that it's no longer about my travel adventures, but there's a few people that seem to. Shout out to the dedicated reader from Germany! There's also someone from Portugal that reads every time there's a new post here, and then some other random iphone users here in the states so no real easy way to narrow that down. I know Burdman reads every once in a while, and my buddy I met while in Grad school, and maybe even that random dude that reached out to me via instagram a year after we matched on OkC. I guess there will always be things that don't feel like they're meant for public consumption even if there's anonymity to it. 

I think I'm here tonight because I just want to process some of what I felt this week. The man's birthday was on Thursday and I wrote this last year on his birthday:

"Six years ago you were my friend and I offered to babysit your brand new baby girls for your birthday. Five years ago I lamented about not being able to give you a birthday blowie. Four years ago I was busy enough with grad school to not reach out. Three years ago your wife was two months into an affair with a woman and you were still unaware. Two years ago you broke my heart for the third time. Last year you made a sex video with me. This year, we are strangers.

I'm not sure our story will ever make sense to me. I'm not sure I'll ever understand what I ever did to deserve the kind of hurt I've endured because of loving you. I'm not sure I'll ever understand why you've never been able to say goodbye to me and instead leave me hurting and confused in the silence.

I hope next year when I realize it's your birthday it won't hurt as much as it fucking does right in this moment that I can't say anything to you. I hope eventually it stops hurting at all. I'd wish to forget it's your birthday, but I know I never will."

I finally was able to have the Boudoir shoot in early November that I booked at the end of 2019 for March of 2020 that obviously got cancelled and I got my digital prints back at the beginning of the year. The book is beautiful and honestly when I first looked through it, I almost forgot it was me. They did such a good job and it feels like I'm looking at art. I wanted to share them, but again, they also kinda felt like something that wasn't exactly for public consumption, so I ended up cropping ten of them so that they weren't risque at all and shared them on his birthday so that in the future, I get to be reminded of that empowering experience instead of what I lost. Usually the day before his birthday the pictures with my sister from the Women's March will pop up and all I ever think is that was the last day I was truly happy for about two years. I really have never experienced sadness and hurt quite like I did those nearly five months I was still at our old firm after he ended things and before I left for my current firm. It was a really difficult time and now it's been three years since that crushing day and that sad girl feels like a distant dream and I'm so fucking grateful for that. 

I still think about the man and wonder if he is happy and wonder what he thinks of me, but it's not an ever present thing the way it once was. I definitely wish I didn't give any energy to thoughts of him, but I know with time, I'll get there, just like with time I got to my now. Right now my life is work, cooking fun meals for me and Champlain, lots of great sex, and lots of Community our current show and some time with my sister sprinkled in. Density and I met up last weekend to go disc golfing and throw the frisbee around and I was SO pumped when I got home I went for a run! It was like the little push I needed to start it up again and I ran a few times during the week and will go for one tomorrow. I spent some time studying today and have a schedule planned out to get through all the material and I just feel like I'm finally on track in my life instead of feeling behind. I can feel myself falling in love again, and even though long term is probably not a thing with him almost positive he doesn't want kids ever, I'm excited for the foreseeable future and all the adventures we'll share. I've started calling him my Maryland boyfriend internally and I think that's just a healthy way of staying grounded in my current reality. Come 2022 when my current lease is up and I'll be ready to finally buy something we'll see where things stand and if I wanna stay down here or go back to Philly or maybe somewhere else, who knows. 

I'm excited that I have a decent amount of time before things will be turned upside down again and really do feel like I'm on the cusp of leveling up in my life and I can't wait to meet the me that's on the other side of this season of growth.