I should already be in bed, but I'm waiting for midnight Denver time, Buddha has had a hell of year and I want to call and leave a message right as she enters a new year of life and on the day of a new moon no less. She deserves a fresh start. But while I wait for that it's probably worth while trying to think through what is going on. I've been thinking more about the man lately and I haven't a clue why. Like I knew I would around his birthday, but why is it lingering? Why do I feel myself wanting him to reach out? I really don't understand. I decided to do some social media canvassing and discovered tonight one of his best friends is finally dating someone seriously enough to be featured in the profile picture and I was genuinely excited for this person I met once and had only one other long conversation via instagram with. I truly wanted to know all the people in his life that were important to him and I wanted to know him through their eyes, if that makes sense.
Champlain doesn't have any life long friends like that, the one he did turned into a conspiracy nut while they were in college and he no longer keeps in touch, but last weekend I did meet a bunch of his climbing friends at an outdoor bonfire. It was truly a fun and enjoyable night and I feel like I could really form my own friendships with some of these people, but then I found myself wondering what was the point. This isn't my forever, it's just right now, why invest in something that won't go anywhere and now I'm in a weird funk about everything. I'm starting to have these thought loops of what is the point, has my life improved with the addition of him? If I take away the sex, what is left? I'm struggling to answer that...we've been talking a lot lately about his finances and such and while what someone makes is not important to me, I did start to wonder if he would just be someone I felt like had to take care of or compensate for...especially when we've started talking about traveling when it's safe to do so and that's not a cheap hobby. He's my main source of human contact right now, and we do enjoy each other's company for sure and have similar senses of humor and he's teaching me about gaming and he's helpful with making dinner and cleaning up after, but he has WRECKED all the progress I made in having a bed time and routine. I literally have not managed to stick with it for more than a day or two since we started dating. He's a night owl worse than me and it just hasn't been good. But mostly I find myself wondering if it means anything at all that I don't get excited to see him the way I once did to see the man...I definitely was excited to see Champlain after my trip to South Dakota, and for a long time hangouts with the man were just so irregular and so many timespans of months apart...Yet I remember times when we were on and still working together and I would literally see him everyday and interact a decent amount through out the day and yet I would still get these crazy excited butterflies when I had plans with him. I miss that feeling, I miss being that into someone. I really thought the world of him and meant it when I told him he was my favorite.
Maybe as Champlain and I move further along and I actually fall in love with him, it will change, or maybe because I know there's no future, it will never get there. I was so tired of being alone and feeling like I wasn't anyone's top priority but this nagging thought that I haven't found what I'm looking for and there's more effort ahead of me to actually find it won't shut up. I want so badly to have someone to love and do kind and considerate things for... I bought him a bunch of stuff for valentines and his birthday and it's probably too much, but they're mostly things he needs and I wanted to and I care about him a lot, but I am definitely feeling myself holding back because it can't be forever, I don't get to fully relax because I know "my search" isn't over.
I know that's part of why I held on to the man for as long as I did, I got wrapped up in that feeling of surety that he was everything I had ever hoped to find in a partner and there was no point to look elsewhere, I just needed to figure out how to make it work. Perhaps a part of me is still too stubborn to admit I was wrong. I really thought I knew him, and I really believed it to be love, but can you actually love someone who never really let you in? Sometimes I find myself revisiting his words when he told me he was sorry for everything, that he knew things didn't work out how I had hoped, but that he had always loved me and had never meant to hurt me. On bad days I used to search through our gchat history just reread that exchange, it's burned into my memory now. It's good I deleted all of it, it truly has made a difference that when I do miss him, I really can't dive back into all the memories the way I used to.
Perhaps I'm focusing on the man because he's still my benchmark of what I want, but in reality that's so not true. I don't want an indecisive, deceptive, selfish and ambivalent partner. I want someone with convictions and determination that knows they want me in their life and doesn't take me for granted and thinks they're lucky to have met me and to be loved by me. I would choose that over the messed up always an almost without a doubt. I know Champlain feels lucky to have me in his life and doesn't take me for granted and aside from the kids conversation, does see longterm and right now that's enough. I'm allowed to revel in the happy of now, even if it's not forever and I've never been one to be ok with being partially in, so if this is my life right now, and he's who I'm choosing to give my energy to, then that's what I've decided to be all in on and I should go for it. The time will come when it cannot progress further, I don't have to preemptively make that happen, not when there's so many other memories I'd like to make with him.
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