Welp it's been a while since I've written which is usually an indicator that I'm pretty happy and I'd say that's accurate. There definitely was some heavy stuff at the end of the year, but I've really solidified my support network and have such a healthy and communicative relationship with Champlain that honestly I don't really feel like it was traumatizing at all. I did feel the need to write about it, but not here... I know that no one really reads this blog anymore now that it's no longer about my travel adventures, but there's a few people that seem to. Shout out to the dedicated reader from Germany! There's also someone from Portugal that reads every time there's a new post here, and then some other random iphone users here in the states so no real easy way to narrow that down. I know Burdman reads every once in a while, and my buddy I met while in Grad school, and maybe even that random dude that reached out to me via instagram a year after we matched on OkC. I guess there will always be things that don't feel like they're meant for public consumption even if there's anonymity to it.
I think I'm here tonight because I just want to process some of what I felt this week. The man's birthday was on Thursday and I wrote this last year on his birthday:
"Six years ago you were my friend and I offered to babysit your brand new baby girls for your birthday. Five years ago I lamented about not being able to give you a birthday blowie. Four years ago I was busy enough with grad school to not reach out. Three years ago your wife was two months into an affair with a woman and you were still unaware. Two years ago you broke my heart for the third time. Last year you made a sex video with me. This year, we are strangers.
I'm not sure our story will ever make sense to me. I'm not sure I'll ever understand what I ever did to deserve the kind of hurt I've endured because of loving you. I'm not sure I'll ever understand why you've never been able to say goodbye to me and instead leave me hurting and confused in the silence.
I hope next year when I realize it's your birthday it won't hurt as much as it fucking does right in this moment that I can't say anything to you. I hope eventually it stops hurting at all. I'd wish to forget it's your birthday, but I know I never will."
I finally was able to have the Boudoir shoot in early November that I booked at the end of 2019 for March of 2020 that obviously got cancelled and I got my digital prints back at the beginning of the year. The book is beautiful and honestly when I first looked through it, I almost forgot it was me. They did such a good job and it feels like I'm looking at art. I wanted to share them, but again, they also kinda felt like something that wasn't exactly for public consumption, so I ended up cropping ten of them so that they weren't risque at all and shared them on his birthday so that in the future, I get to be reminded of that empowering experience instead of what I lost. Usually the day before his birthday the pictures with my sister from the Women's March will pop up and all I ever think is that was the last day I was truly happy for about two years. I really have never experienced sadness and hurt quite like I did those nearly five months I was still at our old firm after he ended things and before I left for my current firm. It was a really difficult time and now it's been three years since that crushing day and that sad girl feels like a distant dream and I'm so fucking grateful for that.
I still think about the man and wonder if he is happy and wonder what he thinks of me, but it's not an ever present thing the way it once was. I definitely wish I didn't give any energy to thoughts of him, but I know with time, I'll get there, just like with time I got to my now. Right now my life is work, cooking fun meals for me and Champlain, lots of great sex, and lots of Community our current show and some time with my sister sprinkled in. Density and I met up last weekend to go disc golfing and throw the frisbee around and I was SO pumped when I got home I went for a run! It was like the little push I needed to start it up again and I ran a few times during the week and will go for one tomorrow. I spent some time studying today and have a schedule planned out to get through all the material and I just feel like I'm finally on track in my life instead of feeling behind. I can feel myself falling in love again, and even though long term is probably not a thing with him almost positive he doesn't want kids ever, I'm excited for the foreseeable future and all the adventures we'll share. I've started calling him my Maryland boyfriend internally and I think that's just a healthy way of staying grounded in my current reality. Come 2022 when my current lease is up and I'll be ready to finally buy something we'll see where things stand and if I wanna stay down here or go back to Philly or maybe somewhere else, who knows.
I'm excited that I have a decent amount of time before things will be turned upside down again and really do feel like I'm on the cusp of leveling up in my life and I can't wait to meet the me that's on the other side of this season of growth.
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