Exactly

I honestly don't even know where to start, I've needed to write for days now but I'm also trying so hard to be better with getting work done during normal hours and continuing to unpack and get my place situated. Today started off pretty decent with actually going to bed at a decent time last night and getting up when my alarm went off. Managed to get through all my morning stuff and other random things and start working by 9 ish. I was doing fine and finally broke for a late lunch when I got a text from my twin that started off with "I should have moved to Baltimore with you when I had the chance". Apparently his roomie's bathroom had ANOTHER issue and is above his closet and literal water started pouring through the light fixtures and other places on the second floor. I ended up calling him immediately and was on the phone for like an hour. He's not doing well at all, this pandemic has not helped any of his issues and it's proving increasingly difficult to get him back on health insurance. They wouldn't let him make use of the tax credit for the new plan until he proved he didn't qualify for Medicaid, yet medicaid is taking forever to process him and just recently asked him for proof of being so poor and he was like I don't have any recent pay stubs to show them, I haven't been working for months! I told him his bank statements should be enough... but of course the conversation quickly moved on to his anger with our dad and I don't blame him. I wish I made enough where I could take care of his health insurance and we didn't even need my dad...

He basically acknowledged that he doesn't think the living situation is going to get any better, that the building was shottily put together and even though they've had maintenance out several times, they never seem to actually fix anything. When I asked him about possibly moving in with our folks for a little he said absolutely not.  I told him that if he wants to move, and possibly back to the Baltimore area, now would be the time do it instead of finally getting insurance again and then having to transfer it to another state. We brainstormed some potential options with our cousin in DC with her three boys having already offered to let either one of us stay with her and her family, to my other cousin whose mom passed this past fall who is currently pregnant with her second and will definitely need some long term help. He has always been good with kids but he said that he's anxious about those potential setups with how much he's currently using weed to manage his anxiety. Additionally the girl he's been in an on again off again never a full blown anything (yep we truly are twins) recently told him she still loves him but is no longer in love with him. He told me "I don't want be here anymore, I don't want to be anywhere". I begged him not to give up and said I don't want to be here without him and I promised I'd never give up on him. I told him I was heading home to PA this Saturday for a day trip for Shazz's baby's 1st birthday. I'm gonna grab my twin first, head to the party, and then bring him back to Baltimore for however long he needs to be here. It's an indescribable feeling to feel so helpless when all you want to do is take the pain away from someone you love so deeply. 

I've been somewhat down and lost in thought since last week honestly. The 20th marked a year since the last time I've seen the man's face and I couldn't help but wonder if he was aware of that fact. He truly is starting to feel like just a part of my past and I know that it's how it should be progressing as I continue to process all that it was, but it definitely still brings my heart sadness. However the week of my birthday that match maker site I sat down for an interview with now two years ago reached out with a special deal for my birthday, $500 off their services and asked if I wanted to have an update interview. I had already been back on my OkC account earlier that week after getting a similar email from them and some warning of my account being inactive for too long... I figured why not, what could it hurt. I actually super enjoyed the conversation with the match maker and while I think I previously had a good idea about what I'm after some of her pointed questions allowed me to vocally admit I no longer care about a lot of the things I thought someone right for me would need to have, such as a college degree or a certain level of income or whatever. I basically said I am self sufficient, I'm not looking for someone to support me and my lifestyle and whatever, would it be nice if they had a great job and extra money, sure, but neither of those things speak to someone's character and what truly matters to them. I want a true partner, someone wanting to walk next to me and we're there for each other if we need it, but we're perfectly content and capable all on our own. She ended up telling me their services for 3 months were $6,300!!! I think I snorted on the phone haha but I am still glad I had the conversation cuz I feel like it lead to me being open to one of the guys I matched with on OkC that kinda resembles the man but with a kinder face if that makes sense, who doesn't have a degree, works as a medical marijuana distributor, and is an aspiring actor. We ended up having a video chat on my birthday and quickly lost track of time I was enjoying the easy flow of conversation that much. We agreed we were both interested in a social distance date in the near future when our schedules aligned. I went to bed feeling super optimistic about life.

Well last week I was in PA for two days for field work and such and Shiloh had offered me an extra one of his drills to have so I could install a hanging book shelf and other things. I was planning just to drop by when I had a chance, but he ended up asking if I wanted to come for dinner and that his parents said it was fine and that he had grabbed all the ingredients for homemade dumplings. How do you say no to dumplings? As soon as I got to the front door he gave me a big hug. We hadn't touched each other since the end of April. It felt so nice to embrace like that and then over the next twenty minutes or so he would just randomly hug me. Eventually we were standing in his room, showing me the latest arrangement and then hugged me from behind and then began kissing my neck and I melted. As I let out a gasp of satisfaction I mumble asked if this was a good idea and he said he didn't care and turned me to face him and kissed me fiercely. The whole thing was such a surprise but incredibly satisfying but when we first started making out I couldn't help but think about this new guy and battling internally if any of what was happening meant anything. I still don't really know if it meant anything to be honest and I've been too chicken shit to ask him outright. Like yea I went there to get a drill and ended up getting drilled (and yes I made that awesome pun out loud while in his bed cuz I'm hilarious and cracking myself up is a top priority always) but that doesn't mean we're back together,  how could we be, we were never even dating to begin with. But I'm struggling to determine how much of my fear of asking is cuz maybe I don't want it to mean something because I already went through the process of letting go of that potential, I did my crying and I'm really happy here in MD and I've only told my sister that I ended up signing a two year lease cuz I got a discount and fuck having to move again so soon. I don't know what to think cuz I can clearly remember that last night in April sitting at my desk on the video chat with former colleagues and looking over at him sitting on my couch and thinking to myself how much I already cared about him, how much I liked him being there in my space, how much I loved telling my friends a little about him, and how easily I could picture a future and falling in love again. How do all of those feelings feel so far away now? I'm sure part of it is cuz I definitely went through the process of thinking about all the reasons why it was best it hadn't worked out and the biggest reason was that I don't need another man in my life that needs saving. I think the emotional phone call with my twin just reiterated that for me. I tried hard to get back into work mode and failed miserably cuz I'm worried and want an answer as to how to make things better for him. 

I don't know how to proceed in regards to Shiloh, I honestly don't especially cuz he has been struggling extra hard the last month or two with his own anxiety and depression and I certainly would not want to make shit worse. While I was with him last Wednesday he kinda intimated at one point that he hoped I was only being intimate with him and I didn't really acknowledge it or respond and then at one point I thought he might have said that he loved me but I decided there was no way and it must have been my exhausted mind making shit up cuz I had gotten up at 5:30 that day to drive to PA and was seriously fading after our extracurricular activities.  I think you can love and be attracted to someone and yet still not be compatible matches for the long term but I can't comfortably say that we don't have that compatibility I just know my desire to explore the possibility of it is just about gone even though for a few months there, the opportunity to explore that was all that I hoped for...why is timing such a bitch?

Well most of the recent photos in my camera roll are of my new place and my own ingenuity when I had to install the hanging book shelf on my 15 foot high wall haha I haven't finished unpacking quite yet, a few things left but it's so close!

Also I decided to try Keto cuz I read up about it quite a lot the last few months out of curiosity and the science behind it is super cool and also joined weight watchers after watching my sister lose 30 pounds and she looks fucking awesome. I thought having a little outside accountability would help me stick to better habits.  I would like to lose like 10 pounds, not a crazy amount, but my lack of activity hasn't been great and I haven't figured out where is a good place to run yet where I'm at and May was stupid stressful with the move so it's been about two months *eyeroll* 

So I made keto friendly chili (so no beans or corn)

And also made zucchini noodles for the first time with shrimp, spinach, and cherry tomatoes and some parmesan, It was bomb.

And the only photo from my birthday, we had crabs!

I don't really know how things are going to unfold for me, but I do know I have such a strong feeling I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be and that's enough for right now.

Struggling

I'm struggling in this moment. I should already be in bed attempting to get to sleep. I should have tried to catch up on some of my work stuff I'm still trailing behind on due to lack of focus leading up to and during the move. Instead I found myself wallowing and reading through old emails and such with the man. I was in PA today for a few hours with my sister to celebrate our step father's birthday, but to also have my mom take us to Sam's club so I could get some supplies for the new office, some stuff for me, and stop by Ikea to pick up the book shelf I ordered. I ended up spending some time in Conshy cuz of the Ikea run and while moving has been stressful I've overall felt really relieved to be here and being in that area reminded me why. I guess perhaps it could come off as dramatic, but I was diagnosed with PTSD from everything with the man back in grad school, and the harshest blow from that was yet to come. So it makes sense that whenever I'm around where he lives, and the office building we used to share, I don't feel safe. From a statistical standpoint, I'm definitely not physically safer in Baltimore than I was on the main line outside of Philly, but I feel safer here. There are no memories of him here in this space, or in this city, and I know that's a good thing for me. I'm definitely still processing the disappointment that he didn't respond to my checking in, it's so difficult to not take that personally, to not feel like I'm nothing. 

Shiloh ended up helping me move and was honestly a life saver, bringing over extra boxes and helping pack up loose things. The movers called Friday afternoon saying they were coming the next morning instead of Sunday. I was not prepared. Not at all. I ended up pulling an all nighter and then had to spend the night at my folks. They weren't scheduled to deliver my stuff until Monday the first, but as my mom and I were driving back to my place to finish packing the last little things and clean it up, they called asking if they could come that day. Last weekend was definitely very stressful, and this week was a blur. I still have a lot of unpacking to do and didn't do much at all on that front this weekend. Instead I went to the Black Lives Matter protest with my sister and her boyfriend and another friend of hers. I'm so glad I went, it was very moving and felt more tangible than the donations I've made. Definitely still need to put the work in to make sure I'm actively dismantling the biases I still harbor and saying something when I witness others saying or doing something that perpetuates those biases. One memorable part was when we shouted a call and response chant of "HANDS UP! DON'T SHOOT" and I thought about how many times have people of color followed those orders, said those words, and it didn't fucking matter. I'm pretty disappointed our weekly video messages from upper management didn't acknowledge what has been going at all. I have my first meeting coming up for this panel I was appointed to at work that's nine people that are meant to meet with senior management and have monthly discussions about various topics and be groomed for future leadership roles. I definitely plan on asking why we remained silent and what actionable items the company plans to take to show they acknowledge the issues stemming from systemic racism and how they're trying to combat them. My sister and I talked today on the drive back to MD about looking into local organizations to volunteer with. I'm glad I signed up for a monthly donation, but I want to do something else that helps ensure I don't just go back to my regular life of privilege being oblivious to all this...

After the march I was exhausted cuz I stayed up all night watching the entirety of the newest season of 13 Reasons Why. I very much associate that show with the man, I can't watch it without wondering if he has watched it too and what he thought. However this season the main character caused me to think about Shiloh and his anxiety a lot. I was so thankful for him during the move, but it was also hard to be aware of all these feelings his presence was invoking. I felt this pull to him, I wanted to touch him badly, and not just in a sexual way even though that was the strongest feeling, I just wanted to be in his arms. I'm struggling with how to move forward from that situation. I have no desire to be in a weird limbo with someone again with a "maybe someday" looming.  I know that determining if someone is a good match for you and worth the effort of a committed relationship takes time. I just want to meet someone who can get to that place with me of waning to try. I'm always game to try, always giving things a chance, always trying to recognize that what I need may not end up being what I've always thought I've wanted.  Seeing a potential future since my divorce has now only happened twice and I really am dreading having to put myself out there and start dating again. However, I feel really good though about this chance for something new and coming from a place of truly being ok on my own. I may wish for someone to share this life with, but I can honestly say with sincerity that I love my life and for the majority I am very happy and definitely proud of what I've managed to build for myself all on my own.

Don't have many photos from the last few weeks... but after taking a bath yesterday I napped on the day bed and Lady joined me and we took some pretty adorable photos when I woke up to her snuggling me.