Struggling

I'm struggling in this moment. I should already be in bed attempting to get to sleep. I should have tried to catch up on some of my work stuff I'm still trailing behind on due to lack of focus leading up to and during the move. Instead I found myself wallowing and reading through old emails and such with the man. I was in PA today for a few hours with my sister to celebrate our step father's birthday, but to also have my mom take us to Sam's club so I could get some supplies for the new office, some stuff for me, and stop by Ikea to pick up the book shelf I ordered. I ended up spending some time in Conshy cuz of the Ikea run and while moving has been stressful I've overall felt really relieved to be here and being in that area reminded me why. I guess perhaps it could come off as dramatic, but I was diagnosed with PTSD from everything with the man back in grad school, and the harshest blow from that was yet to come. So it makes sense that whenever I'm around where he lives, and the office building we used to share, I don't feel safe. From a statistical standpoint, I'm definitely not physically safer in Baltimore than I was on the main line outside of Philly, but I feel safer here. There are no memories of him here in this space, or in this city, and I know that's a good thing for me. I'm definitely still processing the disappointment that he didn't respond to my checking in, it's so difficult to not take that personally, to not feel like I'm nothing. 

Shiloh ended up helping me move and was honestly a life saver, bringing over extra boxes and helping pack up loose things. The movers called Friday afternoon saying they were coming the next morning instead of Sunday. I was not prepared. Not at all. I ended up pulling an all nighter and then had to spend the night at my folks. They weren't scheduled to deliver my stuff until Monday the first, but as my mom and I were driving back to my place to finish packing the last little things and clean it up, they called asking if they could come that day. Last weekend was definitely very stressful, and this week was a blur. I still have a lot of unpacking to do and didn't do much at all on that front this weekend. Instead I went to the Black Lives Matter protest with my sister and her boyfriend and another friend of hers. I'm so glad I went, it was very moving and felt more tangible than the donations I've made. Definitely still need to put the work in to make sure I'm actively dismantling the biases I still harbor and saying something when I witness others saying or doing something that perpetuates those biases. One memorable part was when we shouted a call and response chant of "HANDS UP! DON'T SHOOT" and I thought about how many times have people of color followed those orders, said those words, and it didn't fucking matter. I'm pretty disappointed our weekly video messages from upper management didn't acknowledge what has been going at all. I have my first meeting coming up for this panel I was appointed to at work that's nine people that are meant to meet with senior management and have monthly discussions about various topics and be groomed for future leadership roles. I definitely plan on asking why we remained silent and what actionable items the company plans to take to show they acknowledge the issues stemming from systemic racism and how they're trying to combat them. My sister and I talked today on the drive back to MD about looking into local organizations to volunteer with. I'm glad I signed up for a monthly donation, but I want to do something else that helps ensure I don't just go back to my regular life of privilege being oblivious to all this...

After the march I was exhausted cuz I stayed up all night watching the entirety of the newest season of 13 Reasons Why. I very much associate that show with the man, I can't watch it without wondering if he has watched it too and what he thought. However this season the main character caused me to think about Shiloh and his anxiety a lot. I was so thankful for him during the move, but it was also hard to be aware of all these feelings his presence was invoking. I felt this pull to him, I wanted to touch him badly, and not just in a sexual way even though that was the strongest feeling, I just wanted to be in his arms. I'm struggling with how to move forward from that situation. I have no desire to be in a weird limbo with someone again with a "maybe someday" looming.  I know that determining if someone is a good match for you and worth the effort of a committed relationship takes time. I just want to meet someone who can get to that place with me of waning to try. I'm always game to try, always giving things a chance, always trying to recognize that what I need may not end up being what I've always thought I've wanted.  Seeing a potential future since my divorce has now only happened twice and I really am dreading having to put myself out there and start dating again. However, I feel really good though about this chance for something new and coming from a place of truly being ok on my own. I may wish for someone to share this life with, but I can honestly say with sincerity that I love my life and for the majority I am very happy and definitely proud of what I've managed to build for myself all on my own.

Don't have many photos from the last few weeks... but after taking a bath yesterday I napped on the day bed and Lady joined me and we took some pretty adorable photos when I woke up to her snuggling me.