"Breaking is easy, hoping is hard"

Most memorial day weekends I do my best to spend some time at the beach, it has always been my happy place but that was totally out of the question this year. So many normal indicators of summer are a little off this year. Yesterday it was really nice to be at my parents with my twin and older brother and his family. I even ended the night playing the piano at my mother's request and we played Heart and Soul together and as I sat next to her I could feel how important it was to reclaim that song for me and her. The move is quickly approaching and I'm feeling the stress increase but when Shiloh asked if I was nervous, I honestly could say that I really wasn't. I've moved and started over so many times and some times to places where I knew no one, so at this point doing it again, especially when I'm gonna be so close to one of my favorite people in the world, isn't really phasing me.  Chatting earlier with him certainly made me recognize that had I not been forced to drive alone across the country that first time right after getting married, I would be such a different person now. 

There is no doubt in my mind that having already shown myself I was capable of that was how I was able to pack up the dog and all that I could fit in my civic and drive back when I was so depressed and confused about my future. If I hadn't come home, and felt in full force all that I had given up to pursue a life with someone who didn't see me for me but instead what he wanted me to be, I would not have left my ex-husband when I did.  I know I would have stayed long enough to have children and then would have struggled so hard to knowingly allow children of mine to live through a childhood similar to mine. I definitely know I would do my best to never put them in the middle like my parents did with me and my siblings, and I would put aside my pride and give them as many memories as possible with their whole family and not make them wait until their late twenties to share a meal and conversation with their parents. But even the most amicable co-parenting relationships and blended families can never remove that feeling of always being pulled in multiple directions and never being able to please them all. The first time I felt a semblance of home was in college, and then it took until moving into my little studio two years ago to find it again. 

I finally finished reading "The Book of Separation" a memoir about a woman leaving her marriage and the orthodox Jewish community. The book opened with this poem by Mary Oliver that struck such a chord and I knew I needed to read it.

The book certainly triggered me in numerous ways, from relating to that feeling of your life feeling like a prison, to being attached to the story of your life you mapped out, to the main character's soon to be ex-husband sharing the same name of the man. I had to take numerous breaks which is not how I typically read lol. I'm glad that I read it though, at the end it kinda felt like it helped me continue to process my own journey and remember everything I have been through. To remember that I made the choice a long time ago that I would rather be alone than to settle for a life where I couldn't be me. I ended up finally reaching out to the man to express my condolences for his grandmother and to wish him and his family well throughout these crazy times. He saw my message but didn't respond and yet I know I don't regret it because it was starting to feel inauthentic that I hadn't checked in on someone that I care deeply about. With him never saying good bye I guess I had already internalized that I was no longer an important person to him, but I think now it is abundantly clear that I don't matter at all anymore. I hope that means that he's genuinely happy. I definitely know things feel more finished than they ever have and I know that's a good thing for me. I tried so hard for so many years on so many occasions to give myself the chance to see it through. While I definitely have wavered on my own about having children, I do know I tried the hardest to picture a future without children of my own because at one point it felt like that was the only obstacle to him choosing me back. However three years ago on Mother's day, he had been back in my life for not even two months, and I took this photo.

I'm sitting on my older brother's porch enjoying the view and imagining that someday I will sit again on this porch and across from me will be the man that I love holding our child as I celebrate my first mother's day with my family. I remember how much I wanted that, and I remember having a fleeting hope that the man would be the one to make me a mother. Last week I went to target to buy something, it was wild to be in there after not going into store other than the grocery store, pet store, and beer distributor for months. It felt weird for sure to be there, and I had forgotten the layout and ended up having to walk through the clothing sections. All a sudden I ended up in the baby stuff and it stopped me in my tracks. I just stood there for a bit looking at all the impossibly tiny clothes and shoes and I just started to cry because I could feel how badly I wanted to have a child but it feels impossibly far away. I have no idea how my life is going to unfold but I look at this photo as I type and I know I will recreate this photo someday in the future and in it will be my family, whatever that ends up looking like.