The last couple of weeks have been more than overwhelming, but everything is finally settling down and I can clearly see that it will all be alright.
My twin's mental health struggles culminated in a psychotic break right after Father's day. My mother had to file this special warrant to trigger an involuntary admittance to a psychiatric facility. He's been there for nearly two weeks but will be released tomorrow! Well I guess today. I had a night meeting in PA and was already in town, so I extended my stay so that I can go pick him up with my parents. The whole thing has been a bit of a blur because I'm also in crunch time with my non-profit and in the midst of campaigning against the city's project. It has been a bit taxing to feel so helpless when trying to "save" two different aspects of my life that mean so much to me and are large parts of my identity.
This long holiday weekend I was supposed to be in the UK with Champlain, however not all COVID restrictions have been lifted for foreigners so we had to cancel, but I ended up still taking the PTO and I'm actually so grateful I listened to him when he suggested I do so. It was really nice to just have 6 days off with very few obligations, and the majority of them just pure fun. I'm getting back into the swing of things with Frisbee and it feels so good to really run and be in my cleats. Softball starts next week and Champlain is trying to get me into climbing. I think pretty soon I'll be back to my normal levels of physical activity and I'm really excited for that.
Champlain had the majority of the last 6 days off as well and it was really nice to spend so much time together and I've been so fucking grateful that for once in my life when I was really going through something rather traumatic I had a significant other that was right there next to me holding me as I cried. I really don't remember the last time I knew someone was going to be there for me like that. I definitely have always had friends and such that I could count on, but there's just a different level of intimacy when it's your partner, the one you're in this on-going conversation and dance with across the mundanity of your daily lives. On Sunday we went tubing on the river with my sister and some of her friends and then went home to shower and some of us napped off the alcohol and then met up for dinner and hoped to play games, but everyone was pretty pooped from the day in the sun and the drinking. When we got back to Champlain's I was reading my Sunday secrets cuz we'd had an early morning, and no phones most of the day, and after asking what I was looking at, he joined me on the bed and said "Well, I have a secret." To which of course I enthusiastically replied, "You do?! What is it?" He then told me he loved me and that I'm a special lady and it was really kinda precious and I told him I loved him too, because I do. I was so nervous that saying those words would somehow change the dynamic and make me forget that the long term isn't an option, but freeing the words from my heart have just opened me more up to the happiness of now. Right now I am in a loving and healthy relationship for the first time. I don't wonder where I stand, I don't have anxiety about it ending, and I don't worry about hurting him. I'm just in it and reveling in the goodness of it.
The next day we spent walking around downtown Baltimore, got crabs, and then went to the aquarium and it was so fun to see how we got excited about the same things throughout the exhibits. I'm pretty sure I spent 90% of that day smiling. Yesterday when I got off the phone with him in front of my mother and ended the call saying, "I love you" caused me to completely gush to her and say "We say that now" like he was my first boyfriend lol.
It will hurt when things will have to end, but it always was going to, but now I no longer have to hold my tongue when I feel my heart explode a little when he does something silly, or plays with Lady, or is incredibly kind and considerate in making sure my day is just a little bit easier. After all the sadness I experienced in my twenties, I'm pretty relieved my 30s are starting off on a better trajectory.
