Overwhelmed

My brain is jumbled, I feel overwhelmed and I'm procrastinating on things I need to get done for work. In just one day the friend whose marriage is most likely over admitted to having a crush on me these past ten years and made it clear he'd like the chance to see that through, a married friend who continues to feel unwanted solicited nudes, a friend I met while in grad school whom I've slept with once - begged to see the sex tape I made with the man that I once alluded to, and Shiloh made it clear that since I saw my parents yesterday we will not be getting together any time soon out of respect for his own family. My mother offered to come over and help me go through my shit and pack since holy shit May is next week...so I basically responded to Shiloh saying I guess I'm switching up my quarantine circle.

Perhaps it's best...timing matters and I still know we get what we accept. He can tell me to be patient, but how many years did I give to the man patiently waiting for him to deal with his life and make room for me and in the end he never chose me.  Tomorrow marks five years of being legally divorced and I truly did believe I would have found what I've been searching for by now. I have met so many men across that time, most of them shitty, but there have been a handful that I cared deeply for, but I never could see a future, I only ever wanted one with the man. It doesn't seem like Shiloh is my future either, but it does feel like a small miracle that I wanted one. That feels like progress, and yet, yesterday I had a small meltdown. My twin's phone crapped out on him, and I have my old phone still, and I had plans for a social distance walk with the friend staring down a divorce in the city anyways. I knew I needed to restore the phone but it's also been the keeper of some of the last interactions with the man. Somehow the idea of it being gone forever gave me pause. I spent hours trying to figure out how to backup text message threads and then waiting through the process of gleaming it off and then trying to get them on my current phone to make sure it worked. It was anxiety inducing and when I tried to restore them to my current phone not everything came through but it was too late, I was already running late to meet up with my friend so I had to hit the reset button anyways.

It has been a long time since I've read through any of that and while waiting for it all to copy over I did go through some of it. I'm sure there is a part of me that feels attached to those tangible interactions because I've received such little acknowledgment from him that we mattered. Friday day I was chatting with Burdman and he admitted he hadn't participated in any virtual hangouts with people, lamenting he had no friends, and I found myself wishing I could have one with him and Buddah, and the man, but that's no longer a possibility in this life. I ended up video chatting with Buddah that night and shared this sentiment with her, and while I knew they had started following each other again on Instagram after I visited, I didn't know they were regularly chatting. She was like lets call him too! So I ended up re-downloading my Instagram so that we could all chat. It was actually really nice and a lot of fun, but I definitely did have those moments where I wished the man was a part of it too... Perhaps those feelings added to the anxiety I felt the next day about deleting our history. Earlier in the week I ended up googling him for the first time in a long time and learned that his grandmother passed at the end of last month. They were very close and it just reminded me that I have very little business being sad for myself right now while people are experiencing actual loss. In a previous life I would have reached out, but we are finally strangers and I know it's for the best we remain that way. The ending I wanted for the two of us, our someday, it's never coming and perhaps it's time I fully accept that. It still makes me really sad to say that, to acknowledge that there are still pieces of me hoping for it. It was bittersweet reading through our exchanges and I know I will miss how easy it always was to talk to the man for the rest of my life.

I have no idea why I keep finding myself in these situations with emotionally unavailable men, I'm sure a psychologist would say it relates to my father never being emotionally available to me or my siblings. We unknowingly seek out what we've been exposed to because in a fucked up way it's comfortable.  Right now I truly don't know if I'll see Shiloh again before I move to Maryland and I'm not sure how I feel about it. Mostly I feel grateful that what could end up being our last night together was memorable. I was really feeling spring this past week and eager for summer even though it was rainy and cloudy the whole damn week. I kinda just decided I was gonna pretend anyways. When I got out of the shower I decided to put on a deep V flowy flowery sundress with nothing else on and started to make some banana bread. I was still in the process of making the dough when he got here and he just kinda watched me wide eyed flitting around the kitchen as I wrapped that up and started dinner. We ate and chatted and then I had a virtual happy hour with some old work friends and he joined in on the convo every now and then and served me some banana bread once it was finished. It came out so much better this time! Once the call was over and I could give him my undivided attention I approached him where he was sitting on the couch and leaned down to kiss him and mentioned I had nothing on underneath. He retorted that he had already noticed when we had embraced in the kitchen earlier on. He stood up to disrobe and when I asked if I should take off my dress, he said not yet. I hadn't fucked sitting on a couch since over a year ago at the sex club with the man and I had forgotten how hot that can be. A little while later I asked Shiloh his feelings on lingerie. I had ordered some back in February in preparation for a boudoir shoot I had scheduled for the end of March that was obviously cancelled, but I finally got around to doing a load of delicates and they were hanging on the drying rack.  He admitted he'd never really been with anyone that wore it to which I responded well I guess it's only fair I model some for you. I ended up putting on this bra I got that is a red cup-less balconette. That thing is very fun, ample access to the girls while making them look fantastic and extra bouncy, super pleased with that purchase and the fact that it lead to round two.

Multiple rounds isn't really something I experience frequently and to this day it still boggles my mind that after being away in California for a week to pack up the apartment I once shared with my ex-husband, the man and I played hooky for the day and in the ten hours we spent together we managed to pull off five rounds. The next day he would tell his wife he'd been hanging out with me and that he wanted a divorce all without consulting me and I would end up encouraging him to give his marriage a shot if she was willing to try. I'm sure that fact has made it harder to understand now...the man was once willing to throw his life away to be with me, but then years later after she had cheated and refused to end it, ya know a very fucking valid reason to end a marriage and move forward with his life, he never did. He made various strides, gave me all sorts of hope for a chance at our someday, but in the end recommitted and now it's been a year since that choice was made. I very much feel like a broken record when it comes to this story and I don't know how to help myself, how to end this loop. I haven't seen my therapist since November and reached out to her last week, we have a phone session scheduled for Thursday. I guess I'm still struggling to make sense of it all, to understand what the fuck was the point of it.  I still ask myself the same question I was asking back in 2015 when I first started therapy during grad school, "was it real?". The Burdman once told me, "It was real to you and that's all that matters. Be glad that it happened and move on with your life".  When it first ended my lasting feeling was indeed gratefulness, I was grateful for feeling a love like that, where I felt like I was more than enough and that what I wanted out of a relationship wasn't too much. I really needed that after my failed marriage. Now though, after years of an off again on again bullshit the man really does feel like one of the worst things I've had to live through and it's super hard to access that gratefulness and super confusing to still miss someone that in the end didn't treat me very well. At this point I don't fucking know what closure means or what it looks like, I just know I'm bored of this story.

Time to wrap this entry up with some pics from quarantine and get my ass to bed.

Snuggles with Lady :)

Apparently my foot was a good place to nap LOL

Homemade pizza! Whole wheat thin crust with green peppers and onions.

On Earth day I watched a special in the background where there were all sorts of interviews with random people and streamed performances of songs put on by Zero Hour and Roger Waters performed! I bought tickets to see him this July which has already been cancelled and really hoping he'll decide to still tour once the craziness of this has lifted...

I made one of my favorite pasta salads earlier in the week, and I lovingly call it rainbow pasta cuz I do my best to include as many colors as possible. A red onion for the purple, carrots for orange, bell peppers for yellow and red, cucumber for green and then ya just mix it with a bunch of Italian dressing and pepper.

The night Shiloh came over I made this Mexican dish sans onions since he's allergic (I know, sad existence) that is a lot like chili that I like to serve over tortilla chips and with cheddar cheese. That meal is so flavorful that even without the onions it was still really good.

The banana bread! Looks a hell of a lot more like bread than the brick from the first time. I was able to buy some baking powder, but I still used apple sauce instead of vegetable oil. I think I let it bake a tad too long, but I feel super confident next round it'll be absolutely perfect.

Lady Bug on her perch judging ha.

Hiding behind my laptop. 

Made some avocado toast with red onions, olive oil, cayenne, and cherry tomatoes. I clearly am getting bored and decided to play around with presentation and added the sliced apple.

I added a drizzle of balsamic glaze to the toast and then honey to the apple slices, but I am no good at drizzling that shit in any kind of appealing way lol.

And lastly, Friday morning before I put all my laundry away I felt like trying on the last piece of lingerie I had ordered and ended up feeling myself enough to snap some photos. If this was better lighting, you could probably see my nips since it's sheer, but alas it's not and thus this is no different than a bathing suit and I feel fine sharing it. Was not expecting so much underboob, the model's rack was clearly a bit smaller, but I like it and when I can finally reschedule the boudoir shoot, I think I'm really going to enjoy it. I bought myself a package last summer cuz so many people in my life had recently gotten engaged and I was just seeing engagement photo shoots galore and I never did that, and while my Aunt did a fabulous job shooting my wedding, I've just never done a formal photoshoot. There was a sale and I decided so what if I have no family to take cute pictures with, and so what if I don't have a significant other to make a bedroom book for, I'm enjoying being 30 and like my body and it'll be nice to remember it this way when I'm older.

Deep Red

Welp I've just under 40 minutes until my third video conference of the night. I enjoy them, I really do, but that basically means I've done nothing all that productive since 4 pm. I painted my nails. I have painted my fingernails now twice during this quarantine -- that is more than I have across the last decade...slight exaggeration, but honestly not by much. But there's something about my nails being a deep red that brings me a sense of calm. My mother's nails are always a red or pink and her mother's were always a red and there's this Italian artist named Frida whom I love that makes these incredibly sensual but oh so beautiful pieces of work where the recurring girl always has red nails. I think anything that helps ground you is worth doing right now, these really are such bizarre times.

I didn't take as many photos these past two weeks, I honestly was really sad this last week. An old co-worker told me that he and his wife were done, she moved out yesterday, and so we've been talking a lot this past week and it has lead to me thinking about the beginnings of my own divorce and of course the man and how that all started. I shared with my friend that even though it is still the hardest decision of my life, and it was really fucking sad, and it literally is the end of your life as you know it, there was such a relief. This weight of having to pretend like everything was ok, and that my life was what I wanted was gone, and I was so excited for what was next. I had no idea that just a month later a married man I worked with was going to send me "Wicked Game" a song I'd never heard before and tell me no song had ever spoken to him before the way that one had when he heard it the night before. At this point only an acknowledgment of a mutual crush had been admitted to and a very forward statement by me of what I wished could happen. A week after that my dog would die and two days later the man would drive me down the shore and he would kiss me for the first time that night nearing midnight while standing in a life guard boat with the moon bright and looming.

It has been wild to acknowledge this past year that I am the age he was when we began. Here I am, in a similar situation, friend/co-worker is just in the beginning of getting divorced and the idea of even entertaining a romantic interaction with them is the furthest thing from my mind. When I was finally honest with my mother about my transgressions and the mess I had gotten myself into, I remember her saying that the man had taken advantage of me and how vulnerable I was and at the time that felt so far off base because I wholeheartedly believed we both had fallen in love unexpectedly.  Perhaps if things had truly ended back then, I would have continued to believe that, but now I sit here and I think about the history of us and it gets harder to believe this man ever had my best intentions at heart. Instead of being able to celebrate my new freedom and redefine my life after getting out of an emotionally abusive marriage with an alcoholic, I was devastated over losing the man and could barely find the will to go to work.  Somehow I managed to get my shit together enough to take the GRE and apply to grad school all while finalizing my divorce. There was communication every now and then, only once or twice was him warning me about not going to something he'd be at, or not playing softball, it usually was when I would reach out because I couldn't let go... I couldn't stop the deep down feeling that what we had was rare and was supposed to happen. Back then he did his best to respond but would keep it short and curt, but still in a way where I always still felt like I mattered to him, that my well being was important to him. Eventually school started and I got immersed in my new life and it helped, but then came the summer and I was back in the office full time, and it was hard for me, and I asked to just clear the air, but then somehow that turned into having three hour chats on the work communicator once a month until that October where it finally dawned on me that no matter how much I wished to have the friendship back, it would never be just that to me. That the best way to love him was to let him have a life uncomplicated by me, and that it was also my best shot at letting someone new in.

Jump five months later, the longest we've ever gone without communication since it all happened and I'm two months away from graduation and have just agreed to move out to Pittsburgh for work so that I don't have to experience being back at the office full time and I've been genuinely dating people since that October, and not just sleeping with people. I was pumped for the next phase of my life and to be leaving all the pain behind me. Of course the man decides it's time to pop back into my life because low and behold he had just found out his wife had been cheating on him for months. A smarter me would not have responded, a smarter me would have stayed in the life I had just managed to rebuild for myself. Instead I allowed myself to engage with him more and more regularly over those next weeks and on the night I was meant to celebrate graduating with my friends he tells me they are trying some weird ass open marriage type of arrangement. I cried hard in my car on my way to meet up with my friends and was barely present the whole night. I should have ran then, and yet I didn't, too long I'd been hoping for more time with him and so I kept trying to keep him in my life but that just resulted in more moments of my life that should have been happy ones to be tainted by the emotional rollercoaster the next two years would become...The day of my birthday that year I had taken myself on an adventure of Philly and went to the zoo and the mutter museum and a 360 view of the city and knew I was going to see him before I headed back to Pittsburgh, it felt like it was going to be a perfect day, and instead it ended with him telling me he was no longer going to come visit me out there and I could sense that things were going to end, and they did four days later with his last words being "Our someday will always be out there, whether or not we ever get to it is what remains to be seen."

By the end of that summer he would come back again, apologize for the mess of the spring, that he was living with Burdman and eventually we began to legit date. Little by little he told his family he was getting divorced, and I even met his two best friends and he met mine.  Little by little I began to believe I was finally having that chance I'd genuinely begged for, that chance to see what we could be, a chance at our someday.  I had no idea that right before I moved back from Pittsburgh he would move back in with his wife. I had no idea that within two months of being home it would be over. Eventually things began to shift back to the way they were when we were dead to one another but this time was different, this time I couldn't write it off to the circumstances, this time it just felt like he didn't choose me, that I wasn't enough. Where before I still felt like I mattered, this time he couldn't even be bothered to say goodbye to me when I eventually got a new job and left. Around this time is when I began to write in the blog I reserved just for the things I wish I could say to him. I used to write in it a lot, like multiple times a week and eventually in a moment of desperation shared it with him. For about three months he read what I wrote but never said anything until the very end of the summer.  This time I tried harder not to let him back into my life but it was impossible to pretend that just talking to him hadn't made me happier than I'd been since it had all ended. Even though I had started a brand new job, in a brand new apartment, with a brand new cat, and genuinely loved my life, I hadn't felt that kind of deep loneliness since right before I ended my marriage. Maybe I just wanted more time, maybe I just didn't care that I knew it meant inviting more hurt, maybe part of me still had hope for our someday and that if he could just remember, he would choose me.

Things turned into a FWB kind of situation but I was never built to handle something like that and I was foolish to pretend otherwise. I have memories across those months that I am grateful to have and know I will remember fondly for the rest of my days, but I still struggle with accepting the way it ended. With accepting the way it felt like he turned a switch and all of a sudden I was nothing. How not even two months after I asked for space because I knew I couldn't continue on with what we'd been doing, he re-entered his marriage. Again like all the times before, I struggled to let go, to leave him alone, but apparently this time I was no longer worth even acknowledging. It has been eating me up that I can't reach out to someone I love during a time like this, and while the past is a big reason why I feel like I can't, I'm sure the biggest is because I honestly have no idea if he would respond and I'm not sure my heart could handle more silence.

Thinking about all of this though made me lose my fucking mind with Shiloh this weekend. Tuesday was his birthday and I made him oatmeal raisin cookies and joined him and his family for dinner and spent the night. It was a lovely night and we woke up in each others arms and just stayed like that for a while not wanting the moment to end and start the work day. As I drove home recognizing how happy I felt, all of a sudden I kept hearing this voice in my head shouting, "How is this different?! How have you not learned a god damn thing!?". The circumstances are different, there are not years of hurt wrapped up in it, but the bottom line is still the same. Shiloh is not emotionally available just like the man never was, and in the end the situation just makes me feel like I am not enough. Those thoughts continued to bounce around my head all week long and Friday night I told him I was so tired of meaningless and he responded "What makes you think this is meaningless?" to which I responded by reminding him he had said things weren't mutual. He said "I told you I didn't feel as strongly as you because I can't even think about that yet there's just too much going on" and he then rolled over and promptly fell asleep and I just stared at the ceiling biting my lip so hard I bled while trying not to cry. I wanted to leave but it was late and I was tired and figured I would leave first thing and tell him not to bother coming to mine for dinner that night. I was ready to just bail on it completely, just run away from it. In the morning I was curt, rebuked his offers for food, told him not to bother with coming over and started to pack up my things. He immediately apologized for not being more available for a conversation the night before and asked me what was wrong and I could barely get the words out, I had to look down at my hands and began to cry as I said them "I am struggling to convince myself that I am not setting myself up for the same kind of hurt I'm still in the process of healing from". At this point I had made my way back onto the bed and was sitting in front of him feeling my face flush with my embarrassment and heartache. He looked at me and said "You love so hard and so quickly, most people are guarded, it takes times, it takes me time even when I'm not still messed up from something else". I started to really cry by this point, turned away from him and curled up into a little ball and barely croaked out "What I am is naive and stupid and never seem to fucking learn, I know you're not Him, but this is no different, you're not available and I'm still not enough".  Shiloh then engulfed me in a hug and told me that I wasn't stupid and naive, that I was lucky that I allowed myself to feel and that the situation with the man had been a losing battle from the start, that there were so many things working against the ending that I wanted and that what happened had so very little to do with me, just like right now has so very little to do with me and that I am enough, I am more than enough and just begged me to be patient. I cried in his arms for a little while longer and then he asked me to stay, to spend the day with him and swayed me with the promise of smores made with reese's cups by the fireplace later on.

I didn't end up leaving until earlier this afternoon. The rest of the weekend was lovely and we spent some time outside today and working on some random projects around his parents' house. Shiloh remarked Saturday evening that he wished he could turn around his mood like I could, or that he could get excited about anything the way I do about everything. A comment that struck me since the man had said the same thing to me once before.  I told him that I definitely prefer to be happy, to focus on the good and to relish in the little things. That I may be an over-thinker but I've never been a pessimist.  I have felt legit crazy the last two days with how sad and distraught I felt Friday night into Saturday morning, to how carefree and happy I was the rest of Saturday and today. Somehow though it feels like life keeps reiterating that your emotions are meant to be felt and acknowledged, and if you do, they will pass through you and then it's done. Again Shiloh has responded so differently to the difficult conversations, he doesn't shut down on me, he shares where he's at and reinforces that I matter. I still don't know what happens when I move to Maryland but I just keep telling myself I deserve all this happiness his presence in my life is bringing no matter how long or short a time-frame it ends up being. And now some photos from the last two weeks:

Some pasta with red sauce, I had some vodka sauce in the fridge, so I sauteed some mushrooms, onions, and green peppers, then poured what was left of the sauce into the pan and eventually added the linguine and made some garlic bread. It was super satisfying.

Managed to snag a pretty decent shot of the full moon.

One day during work hours I was in the middle of taking notes for a project and Lady decided I was done with that nonsense and jumped up and just laid down on my notebook.

Homemade quesadilla, just some cheese, green peppers, onions, and mushrooms with a bunch of cheddar warmed in a frying pan. 

I decided to sign up for a wine service after a friend sent a coupon for Winc. Haven't tried the white or Rose yet, but that Pinot Noir was BOMB.

Watched a livestream of the tallest man on earth and that was SO enjoyable, what a pure human.

Homemade vegetable fried rice. Carrots, broccoli, and red onions. 

 Had been on a conference call and someone said your cat is judging us.

LOL.

I suck at breakfast... I hate getting up in general, but this particular morning I put some peanut butter on a honey oat rice cake, sliced up half a banana, two hard boiled eggs and two clementines with a cup of coffee. It was actually a great start to a very productive day.

Lady looking all regal up on my desk over the weekend.

I ended up going for a nice long run along the Cynwyd Heritage Trail and it was awesome. Will definitely be going back there and wish I had snagged more photos of it. 

After my run, Shiloh borrowed a family friend's old school car and I'm not a car person and remember zero details but it was a lot of fun just driving around with the windows down.

And this is literally the only photo I took this past week. Look at how beautiful she is, I'm obsessed.

Welp the last call of the day came and went and I finally wrapped up this entry. Definitely not ready for the next week to begin but definitely ending this day feeling grateful that my current woes are as meaningless as they are... One of the video chats was with my college roommates and one girl's husband just lost his mother this morning and his grandma died last week. What a fucking nightmare to be dealing with that during this craziness. She only gets three days of bereavement for each of those events and his family is from the East Coast and they live in San Fran. So for now until they finalize the funeral details, she is stuck alone out there, mourning the loss of people that had become her family, and feeling that pull of guilt that she can't be with her husband when he needs her. We tried not to talk too much about it all, to give her the much needed distraction, but it definitely sucks knowing that even if I wanted to try and see her while she's on the same coast, it wouldn't be allowed.  Same thing with my buddy going through his divorce, or Burdman's sick cat, or random shit with my twin, or stuff with my mom, so many random moments where in normal life I would have hopped in my car and I would have been there and instead I'm not and struggling to figure out how to best support the people I care about, while keeping all of us safe. I think my 30th year already had a theme of gratefulness to it and this is just strengthening that feeling. 

COVID Week 3

Well week three of this nonsense has come and gone and we're well into this week. I just wrapped up my own report for a Borough Council meeting and then turned my video off and am just listening until it's over. I wish I could say that my day is over but all of a sudden I'm very busy on several things that need to wrap up this week. While definitely stressed, so very grateful to be busy and to have a job.

Last week was a bit of an emotional whirlwind because early on I kind of freaked out about things with Shiloh. It just is still very clear he's still processing his breakup, which is perfectly normal and expected, but I found myself acknowledging that if things continued on for the next month and change and just ended once I moved to Maryland, I would be disappointed. We were able to talk it through and initially it seemed like we were just going to stop hanging out, but he responded so well, and we both were just so honest and I ended up spending the majority of the weekend there. It was a really nice and relaxing weekend; we spent time reading next to each other outside, doing a puzzle, walking the dog, and then watching some cartoons from our youth. I think I'm still in danger of having that narrative of only being good for sex reinforced but I definitely know whatever this is, is raising the bar of what I deserve. We're not even dating and he has treated me better than anyone I've been with.  I know the man and I were never actually in a relationship so it's hard to really know what that could have ever been like, but I do know any time I ever needed to have a conversation about how I was feeling, he was always good about listening, and being understanding which was so drastically different from my ex-husband, but then that'd be it, he'd kinda shut down and very rarely would be honest with me about how he truly felt. I'm sure that has a lot to do with why it felt so one sided by the end. I know across our time together he definitely did have moments where he shared stories of importance from his youth and how he felt he had ended up in his marriage, but other than the very first round, he never really was forth coming about how he felt about me.  I know it's why I always felt so unbalanced, I could never fully relax because I never knew where I stood with him. I'm starting to feel a tad unbalanced in things with Shiloh cuz I'm so ready for something real again and so very tired of meaningless and at this point, since getting divorced I've only seen real potential of a future with the man, that was it, I could never see a future with anyone else I have met across these nearly six years, but all of a sudden I do. Who knows if things will progress, right now it's really nice to have someone that regularly does nice things for me, just to see me smile. 

Getting up today was rough af, I was up late on the phone with Burdman, his cat that he has had for 17 years is on death's door and has a procedure scheduled in two weeks, but it's looking grim about if they'll even perform it in his state. I've seen this man tear up before, especially right after the most brutal breakup I know of, but he cried on the phone with me. It was heartbreaking and I am now even more worried about his well being. I'm sad too though, I love that cat, he's been a staple of my life for six years now. I've known Burdman longer than that, but our friendship didn't graduate to me spending time in his personal space until the summer I left my ex-husband. I wish I could go over to his place...what a terrible time to be losing something SO important.

Welp took a small break from this to chat with my sister and make myself some dinner. Last week I decided I would start taking more pictures of what I was doing throughout this and sharing them in this like I did during my trip since I know it will be interesting to re-read this in the future and I don't have any other outlets with not being on social media. I'm definitely enjoying cooking more so here's some of the meals I apparently deemed worth taking a photo of...

Shiloh made homemade pesto while I watched, I did bring the fresh shrimp and the homemade pasta (that obviously I bought) but this meal was delicious.

I had a bunch of bananas I didn't manage to eat right away and then decided I would let them get EXTRA ripe and attempt banana bread for the first time in my life. What a fucking adventure this was, especially because I didn't have any baking powder or vegetable oil, so I used extra cream of tartar and applesauce. This thing was a BRICK. It was so dense, the plate was SO heavy when I eventually got it out of the pan haha I'm pretty sure with my substitutions I should have baked it longer at a lower temp, but it was honestly delicious, I decided of my own accord to add some vanilla extract and cinnamon when I chose to use pecans as the nut and the flavor profile was extremely enjoyable. I think the next time I try this it's going to come out great.

There was some left over shrimp from the meal with Shiloh so I sauteed them with some onions and cherry tomatoes, and then threw it all over some polenta. Super quick, way more food than you think a 1/4 cup of polenta will turn into, and very tasty.

At the beginning of last week I made some tuna with mayo, red onion, and black pepper, and then used that to make a bunch of meals. This first one is tuna pasta with avocado and grated parmesan.

Hard to tell, but there's english muffins on the bottom, so this was sort of in the family of a tuna melt? I didn't think to get slices of cheese :(  Sooo it's whole wheat english muffins, tomato slice, avocado slices, the tuna mixture and topped off with parmesan.

This was a take on stuffed peppers, so I seasoned the pepper with some olive oil, onion powder, garlic powder, and black pepper and then baked it a for a bit. Then stuffed it with the tuna and topped with the parmesan. Clearly I fucking like parmesan.

So by the end of the first week I realized I needed a desk, and ordered it and it came near the end of the second week, it was quite the task to put it together, but I sincerely enjoyed it and am SO happy with what I got and honestly last week was incredibly productive and I know the desk played a key role.

I took this photo during a conference call for work cuz Lady was just looking so regal. Shiloh said it was frame worthy and that I should title it "Cat and Mouse"

Lady eventually figured out that she could get into the drawers of the desk from the window sill... so she will now occasionally hang out in them while I'm working and bat at things and it's quite cute.

Might as well throw in other cute photos of my cat, it's all my instagram feed was near the end anyways lol

On Friday, my grad school friends and I had a group chat, we were supposed to have a Grace Kelly night at the end of March, dress up, fancy cocktails, and a marathon of her movies. A few of us decided to then do our hair and makeup while on the call together which was actually a ton of fun and I may officially be a fan of the winged tip look for my eyes and can see myself doing this again. Additionally, as I should have known, pin curling my hair at the beginning of the call and then taking it out near the end, was not enough for my thick hair to dry, even though I even used the hair dryer for a bit! I wish I had remembered to take a photo while it was all still pinned. I watched a handful of 50s makeup tutorials and did my best to recreate how they would do it. I didn't have any lip liner and not sure I found a red enough lipstick, but otherwise I think I did a decent job. I even painted my nails red. My hair is definitely getting shaggy and I found myself watching tutorials today about how to cut your own hair... so perhaps I'll give that a go this weekend, the back of my neck feels gross. Welp who knows what shenanigans I'll get up to before the next entry, but with how things are now, definitely seems like this social distancing is no where near over.