Halfway

Five years ago today I started this blog when I was 6 weeks away from my 30th birthday and now I'm approaching 35 and officially at the halfway mark of this decade. I'm not currently planning a three week massive solo trip, but I am planning a 10 day trip to Ireland to see Taylor, check out that master's program, and explore the land of my ancestors with my mom and siblings. I am so very pumped and just know it's going to be an experience of a lifetime and something all of us treasure.

Who knows if it's all one person, but whomever is doing a deep dive into my one sided conversations has resulted in me re-reading a lot of my old stuff which has been mostly cathartic. At this point I think they've read like every entry across almost all the blogs, just not the one saved for my thoughts to the man. I don't really write too regularly in there anymore though, but woof a lot of those are heavy. Yesterday I re-read an early one of this blog where I made a list of the 16 things I wanted to do before the decade was out and I've made some serious progress on a lot of them! Have continued my US adventures and feel confident I will check the remaining states off in the next few years, especially since my college bestie just announced she's getting married in Alaska next year!!! I've definitely been making major strides in repairing relationships with people that matter to me, I do indeed now own a piano :) but I need to get on actually playing it regularly. Last night during my plane ride home from a VERY last minute trip to NOLA for a belated 30th celebration of Buddha I picked 16 songs from my Someday playlist. That playlist has been a keeper of songs that make me think of the man and definitely invoke a lot of emotion. One of the items on my list was to try out for one of those singing contest shows so my current goal is to learn to play those sixteen songs on the piano and practice singing them and maybe post some shit somewhere, go to some open mic things, and just get comfortable singing in public. Then just do it, I know it's doubtful I'll make it past the initial submission, but that's not the point, it's to push myself beyond my comfort zone doing something I have loved for as long as I can remember to fulfill a dream of little me. 

Speaking of dreams and going out of your comfort zone I finally participated in a threesome down in NOLA and honestly just disappointed. The dude ended up having a tiny limp dick :( Like I'm pretty sure I would have had more fun if it had just been Buddha and I LOL After he left he sent me a text that just said "Sorry 😞" hahahaha and then sent me something later the next day about how the experience messed with his self esteem as if I owe him comfort. Burdman wanted me to call him out for his inadequacies but I just told him he probably psyched himself out and that we had a fun night overall. Which we did, just not with him lol. He offered to make it up to us but I just left him on read and moved on with our plans. What a Friday night that was though, a delicious dinner, SO much dancing, lots of drinks, and my annual cigar it seems lol, giving my digits to the bouncer of one of the bars that told me I was stunning and gave me a rose made out of palm leaves, and then the Penthouse which honestly is officially one of my favorites places to go to in New Orleans. The women are gorgeous, the place is classy, and I felt so baller buying a lap dance for Buddha. Eventually at like 3:00am the bouncer met us at the strip club and then gave us ride back to our airbnb. The making out and him carrying me to my room was definitely enjoyable, but overall the experience just made me wish that Buddha and I had actually had a threesome with the man all those years ago. Now that would have been an experience to remember for sure. I genuinely miss the chemistry I shared with the man and I really hope I am lucky enough to meet someone who brings out that side of me again. I know my resolution this year was to have more sex, but I have not made a lot of progress on that, I am not even on the apps currently and I don't have a desire to be either. There's no point in forcing it though, I'm hoping that once we get back from the Ireland trip that I'll have a renewed impetus to put myself out there. If my life is actually a dramatic rom com I'm gonna meet someone over there haha. Honestly if we successfully trace our lineage, I'm 100% applying for dual citizenship and would definitely move there for an extended period of time. All the cousins joked about a group move there like last week. A few weeks ago my sister asked me where I wanted to settle down and I just immediately replied "Where ever you are". I didn't even have to think about it, it's the truth. Close to her and my other siblings is what I want, whether or not that's how life is going to unfold, we shall see. 

The family history stuff has been really cool though. I knew my maternal grandmother was from the Scranton area but turns out her dad was also a miner. Made me wonder how big those communities were and whether or not my ancestors knew the man's. What a wild thing that would be if it were true. I wonder when my brain will stop connecting the dots of my life experiences back to the man. He is a stranger, and has been for years now. I think the what if of it all is just really hard to quiet, and I always knew it would be, I always knew the way I felt about him was rare, but maybe I didn't know just how rare. He once pleaded for me to never forget him and I remember scoffing when I read it because lord knows how hard I've tried to do just that with no success. Reading through all those old posts and I noticed that he is just ever present in my thoughts and the way that I seem to make sense of my life and I do think that's because the moments I did share with him have been when I made the most sense to myself. I really do look forward to the day when I am actively building a life and growing a relationship with someone who is all in with me. I have so much love to give and so far it feels like it has been wasted on people who either didn't deserve it, or didn't want it. I'm just going to keep on trying to be ready for that person whomever that is, and whenever the timing will finally be right.

Feeling Light

Welp per usual miss Swift speaks to my soul. Seems like many people on the interwebs are dumb founded that the majority of her double album is about some "fling" and not her six year relationship but damn can I relate. Gosh I remember so vividly how fucking crazy I felt when I was absolutely devastated to have lost the man after only six weeks when my very own six year relationship already felt like a lifetime ago when in reality it had barely been over for a few weeks before things started. Three months hadn't even passed between the day I finally pulled the trigger on my divorce before the affair was over as well. This summer will be ten years since this all happened, and apparently 2014 is also the first time Taylor and her loml first fell. Time doesn't really mean much when you connect with someone and feel seen and understood. At this time ten years ago I had just started therapy for the first time as an adult because my Sailor had convinced me that there was something wrong with me after I had genuinely tried to end things in person and he just didn't accept that it was over. I think at the time I kept trying to salvage things because I was still in denial I had made such a big mistake. I also don't think I was quite ready to start all over again. While change is exciting, it's also always so overwhelming and so very hard. 

If I could reach through time and talk to younger me I would tell her that she was right, that what she wanted and was after was not a fantasy and that she did deserve so much more than what she had resigned herself to. I would tell her the choice to leave was the first one of many in making a life that was no longer a cage. That she would continue to live many more chapters in this life, all with so many delicious highs, along with some very painful lows, but a rich and loud life all the same. I don't know if I would warn her about the man, even now knowing how much heartache just knowing him would cause, I don't think I'd ever not want to have experienced that love. Our little bubble was always so magical and these days I'm grateful I did get to have all the days I did have with him. There were so many that I so dearly wanted to share with him that I never will, and there's parts of me that will mourn that forever. I was so convinced that I was perfect for him and he was perfect for me and that together we would help each other heal all of our trauma and continue growing into the best versions of ourselves. Someone has been reading through all the old blogs and it made me revisit some of those entries too. The feelings this man evokes in me have just always been so fucking intense and I so understand that obsession of needing to hold on to it. To feel that alive is rare, I knew it back then, but man do I know it now. It's been just over a year now since the man and I interacted with each other in preparation for Burdman's birthday. I'm really not sure I'll ever see him again and while I hate we never figured out how to be friends, it's probably a good thing because if we had, I would have never reached this place now where I have forgotten so much. I can't hear his voice or his laugh, nor can I see the way he used to look at me. If those were all still fresh I don't think anyone else would stand a chance. 

While I'm still hopeful to find that someone to love and grow with, this season seems to be about refocusing on me after giving so much to so many people in my life. I just finished my first week at my new job working with my mentor and I'm so genuinely happy. The month off was amazing, I'm so grateful to past me for deciding to just go to the Bahamas for a few days it was exactly what I needed. I have a lot of work ahead of me the next few weeks to get through my research paper for my class that I really thought I was going to do more of during the time off, but I really just needed rest. It's so hard to fight that internal voice that tells you that you're a piece of shit if you're not productive but we're not here to be productive. We're here to witness, experience and share love. That's it. Everything else that has been shoved down our throats is just a construct of the reality that we've collectively made. It's a reality that is definitely continuing to shift and while I'm anxious about the election this year and the divisiveness we're experiencing, I'm continually reminded of all the positive changes that have been happening right alongside all of the awful. I do still believe that this grand experiment that is the United States can be a place where every person has the ability to realize their dreams, no matter where or to who they were born to. I think at some point I really will get involved in politics, but for now I'm just gonna focus on learning my new role, starting a new business line as was discussed this week (!!!) and forming a healthy routine for myself and Lady.

I have a good feeling about this next chapter and am so relieved at how much lighter I feel after life felt so very heavy these past few years.