Relief and released I think can accurately sum up the way I've been feeling the last month or so. I had been sick with a sinus infection, off my ADD meds and probably a little high on Nyquil so impulsivity levels were high and I had just directly talked about the man with my former coworker and friend that's leaving his pregnant wife earlier that day so sending one of my long winded emails felt like a worth while thing. I had been thinking about reaching out for a while just because I could tell that I was no longer making any kind of progress on my own moving forward from the whole thing and when his wife randomly made one of her socials public I just found myself sincerely wondering if he was actually happy. Her version of their life gave zero indication of the real hurt they both caused each other and I noticed that in the last few years she never posts directly about him aside for father's day. Nothing for his birthday, nothing for their anniversary and I just wondered is that where they're at? They love and respect each other for the wonderful co-parents they are and may not actually have much beyond that?
But I'm glad I reached out, because he responded and from the horses mouth they have fully recovered and are really happy and literally the only thing I felt was such relief. I don't think I had realized there was this part of me that was still afraid that this bullshit would cycle around again and blow up my life yet again. I don't even understand how that fear was still there when I have purposefully made decisions to insulate myself from that probability. I think the trauma of things being off and on again over so many years left its mark more than I thought. Even though I admitted to still missing him, and perhaps that's somewhat desperate, it just makes me think about Dido's White Flag. I don't think I'm ever going to reach a place where I don't believe that we could have had something others only dream of, but at this point in my life I'm just grateful to truly know what it's like to not only love and be attracted to someone, but to genuinely respect and find them interesting. I had forgotten that giddy feeling of talking to someone I feel that way about, like I was markedly in a much better mood the day we chatted than I'd been in weeks. I think it just goes to show how impactful your chosen partner can be in your overall wellbeing and enjoyment of life.
Before moving in with Champlain I think things were pretty fucking close to how it'd been with the man, but my respect for him significantly dipped after it has become an ongoing battle to get through the simple labor of sharing a household. I was feeling really fucking stuck and frustrated, yet slowly but surely it's getting better, but it's really been a trigger to my marriage. I sincerely have zero interest in mothering a grown man and taking on ALL the mental labor like I did back than. More days than not we still have so much fun together so at least I have that, but we'll see what the future holds. One thing I'm super grateful for is to not have the added pressure of marriage and promises weighing me down when I consider my future and what may be next. There truly is such a difference in the mechanics of it, but it was definitely interesting to hear the man's take on the situation with our coworkers and it just was so very clear that accepting their choices or seeing them as worthwhile in any way would directly challenge the world view he had secured to stay in his own marriage. I understand that kids add another element to it for sure, but people don't exist solely to procreate and for the sake of their kids. It's fucking selfish and irresponsible to not take them into consideration, but kids are not worth the sacrifice of a life that you actually want. The raising a family stage is hard as fuck, I commend everyone who ventures into that, but it's not supposed to be joyless and a drag most of the time, truly. I believe when you do it with a real partner, it will still be hard, but the joy of it will always be easily accessible.
I still don't know if that's something that will eventually be a part of my life story, but it seems like every day I feel more sure about this idea of a boarding school for orphan high schoolers, the ones no one adopted and still deserve a family. A school that leans very heavily on montessori, incorporates mental, occupational, speech, and physical therapies and prepares these kids for college and provides a home for them to come back to during their college breaks. Reading stories of orphans who had persevered and received scholarships for school but then were displaced during the pandemic and many who lost access to reliable internet and could only go to shelters and just had worked their asses off for it all to fall through, their grades to slip and to lose their scholarships. It all broke my heart. I still don't know the logistics of turning this into a reality but I know I'm gonna figure it out even if it takes me until I'm an old lady.
See this has been the greatest gift of finally feeling released, the ability to use this brain of mine to think about other shit, the man no longer takes up so much fucking space and I just truly couldn't be more relieved.
