Right now I'm ridiculously busy at work I haven't had much time to think in the last few weeks, and honestly I'm a bit grateful for that, especially on a day like today. I'm usually super low on this day because it's a day five years ago I still consider to be the worst day of my life. Most of me hopes it continues to be that, but I'm sure there are harder ones ahead and hopefully I'll continue to bring stability and structure to my life so that when those days come, while they may feel devastating, I'm hopeful they won't destroy me. I quite literally have never felt more defeated by life than I did at the end of this day.
They say bad things come in threes and I have to agree. The day started off with a flooded basement due to a broken hot water heater resulting in me having to drop the dog off at day care, run to my folks for a shower, and get to work a little before noon when I had a major deadline that day. It was already going to be a shit day, it was the first time I was going to see my ex-husband since leaving him. We were supposed to be meeting at my therapist's office to have a mediation session, discuss steps forward and what not. Well I was trying to wrap things up at work and ended up asking my ex to grab the dog for me and that I would meet him at my townhouse to drop the dog off and then head to the session together. We let the dog in, I quickly put his food in his bowl, and I remember asking him how long of a walk he'd been on cuz he was panting, but my ex waved off my concern telling me we were going to be late. So off we go to the most heart-breaking, excruciatingly frustrating therapy session of my entire life. Even then, even when there was no point, he never took responsibility for how things played out. It was still all on me, all my fault, it was me who had something wrong with them that I just couldn't be happy, and then he had the audacity to try and hold my hand on the car ride back. I don't think that man was ever grounded in reality.
We get back to the townhouse and I immediately notice the pup hasn't eaten any of his food when usually he eats like I've never fed him. Again I ask how long of a walk he took him on cuz he's passed out, but as I get closer I realize he's not passed out. His tongue is bright purple hanging out of his mouth and there's a weird foam coming out and its around his head. I start to scream for my ex to call for help that something is wrong as I try to figure out if my puppy is still breathing. Eventually all I can mutter is the word "no" over and over again between the uncontrollable sobs until my ex forcibly pulls me away and tells me there's nothing to be done, that he's called my mother and it's time for me to go upstairs. He takes me upstairs to my room as I'm still crying and we embrace and fall to the ground together cuz we literally have just lost our baby, but he completely misreads the situation and starts to take my dress off which causes me to slap his hands away, and he refers to himself as my husband that he can help me change, and I tell him you may be legally, but you are nothing to me anymore get the fuck out of my room. While I'm changing upstairs his best friend gets there and I hear them rummaging around downstairs and then eventually my mom arrives. She heads straight up stairs and while I've still been crying, seeing her makes me completely breakdown. We head downstairs and my ex and his friend have taken the dog and all of his things from my townhouse and headed to the Vet. I start whimpering to my mother about how I have to go back to work, that I haven't finished what I was working on, that it was important. She tells me I'm not going there alone, and drives me to my office, comes in with me and reads a book in an empty cubicle. Finally she takes me home to her house, and a little after midnight makes me a BLT sandwich since I never ate dinner.
To this day I have no idea what happened to my pup...my ex didn't have them perform an autopsy and had him cremated and let his parents keep the ashes which I didn't find out until months later. That pup had been the source of many headaches across the year I had him, but most were really due to in-laws who didn't listen when it came to how to care for him, or a husband who wouldn't be firm with his mother because he didn't want to hurt her feelings. When we had been at the height of our fights, many including the dog, my ex told me to find him a new home, that clearly it was too much for me (as per usual, finding a way to make me feel like it was all my fault) and so I had sincerely looked into that. But eventually I had kicked my non-paying sister in law out of the townhouse, distanced myself from his family, and eventually left him, and when it was just me and the dog, well shit man, things were way better and I remember sitting on my couch with the dog on my lap writing in my journal at the time, and being so surprised at all that had changed, but here he still was and how grateful I was.
Losing an animal that you love, is really fucking hard because while the loss of family is often devastating as well, often times it's not a person you actually live with, and see day in and day out. That fatty fur ball drove across the country with me and was a constant in my life during a year of immense growth and his absence was overpowering at times. While I often miss him, for the most part I can recognize the blessing in disguise that was his passing, because it really did grant me a clean slate. There is nothing tying me to that chapter of my life and I am forever grateful for that. I really don't think I would have accomplished all that I have these last five years if I'd still been a dog mom.
Tuesday, August 20, 2019
Friday, August 16, 2019
The Dance
I decided when I got back from my trip that I was going to be more intentional with trying to date. I got back on my OkC profile and recently downloaded Hinge. Have actually gone on two dates which is exciting but I've been quickly reminded that dating can often bring anxiety with it. Overall my typical experience over the last five years has basically been 69% of dudes make it sexual right off the bat and basically become their own cock block... 30% decide they're in love with me after a first date and want too much too quickly and it freaks me out, and then 1% I'm genuinely into but either they haven't actually been emotionally available or they just aren't into me. It's really a demoralizing process...
There's always this dance of how blunt and honest to be early on, how much attention to give, how much to expect, while at the same time not wanting to waste my time or someone else's but still being hopeful of a connection. Not knowing how honest to be about going on dates with others if you've started to see someone but it's not a committed thing yet. I don't like lying but how much do you really owe someone you barely know? But it's also the whole not wanting them to think you're no longer interested, cuz that's not necessarily the case it just seems so silly to me these days, to jump all in on something and shut down everything else, but at the same time can you give someone a fair shot if you're distracted by others? The way it tends to happen every time I've decided to date again is that I'll get like five guys I've been on more than two dates with and I slowly decide who I want to spend more time with, then end up with one, we start to date, and so far by about the third month, it becomes clear there's no future...
Sometimes it's been a mutual realization, which is nice, no hard feelings. Other times it's been really painful to tell someone I've grown to care about and I know cares about me that I'm never going to love them in the way that they want me too. What I learned in my marriage though is that it's really important to recognize that sometimes we can love someone for how much they love us, but not actually love them for who they are...getting married before I actually knew myself or what's truly important to me was my biggest mistake, but I think the things I learned from that relationship are invaluable as well as all the other things I've picked up throughout the rest of my twenties.
I think it's not a bad idea to try and list out some of the key things I've learned, a nice way to recenter myself as I begin evaluating the people that I'm meeting...
1. Wanting to be friends regardless of a romantic interest is a great indicator that you respect someone and think highly of them. All good things to have when the goal is a lasting and healthy relationship because generally you'll have shared interests you can explore together and strengthen your bond.
2. Recognize that when you bring someone into your life, you're opening yourself up to their circle as well. If you can't be yourself around their chosen family, that doesn't bode well for longevity because that can often indicate there is a key factor of your partner that doesn't align with you.
3. A partner that has a full life in their own right that their content with is someone who has done the inner work to be self sustaining. While we all experience lows and need to rely on our network, someone who hasn't figured out how to be happy on their own will consistently drain you, and that's not sustainable. It is impossible for one person to meet all of your emotional needs. No one deserves to have that expected of them.
4. If you would never ask this person for life advice, you don't view them as an equal and if a partnership is your goal, you gotta feel like you're on the same level.
5. Having a complimentary sense of humor is SUPER important. Being able to laugh together is key to surviving the hard that inevitably lands on your doorstep.
6. Sharing similar morals and values not only impacts what you deem important i.e. typically how you'll agree where to spend your money, your time, and your energy, if you choose to have children, you have to be on the same page to provide those kids with stability and consistency.
7. Someone who is close with their family shows they believe family is important. But it's also important they've established healthy boundaries and there isn't a codependency because you will never come between those kinds of relationships and oftentimes that means you will have intrusive in-laws that will not respect your own rules for your life with your SO or raising your potential children.
8. If you find yourself saying "things will be better when this changes" make sure you're not holding out for someone to change, because unless they want to, people for the most part do not change. There's a difference between remaining optimistic through a difficult circumstance that is temporary, and continually excusing a behavior that clearly doesn't sit well with you.
9. No one is perfect, we are all human and we all make mistakes, all enduring relationships require forgiveness. However if someone says sorry yet doesn't learn from the experience and repeats the hurtful behavior, they're not actually sorry. The adage of "actions speak louder than words" holds true.
10. Love languages and communication styles are important to understand in all relationships but particularly romantic ones. No one is a mind reader, being able to clearly state your needs and your feelings is important. Also understanding that your partner may not receive love the same way you do is imperative in making sure your efforts at showing you care are effective.
11. Comparison is the death of joy which goes hand in hand with my current phrase of obsession "expectations are the blueprints for disappointment". This doesn't mean you don't have standards, it just means you cannot create expectations based on someone else's life you see the high light reel of on social media because that isn't reality. Having expectations that aren't grounded in reality will always lead to disappointment and cause your partner to feel like no matter what they do, they can never make you happy and that's a lose lose for everyone.
I think these days I have a good idea of the type of person I'm holding out for, but I know the core of it all, is that I'm just after true mutuality. I hope I luck into that soon, it's been a long time since I've had a person to dream about the future with.
There's always this dance of how blunt and honest to be early on, how much attention to give, how much to expect, while at the same time not wanting to waste my time or someone else's but still being hopeful of a connection. Not knowing how honest to be about going on dates with others if you've started to see someone but it's not a committed thing yet. I don't like lying but how much do you really owe someone you barely know? But it's also the whole not wanting them to think you're no longer interested, cuz that's not necessarily the case it just seems so silly to me these days, to jump all in on something and shut down everything else, but at the same time can you give someone a fair shot if you're distracted by others? The way it tends to happen every time I've decided to date again is that I'll get like five guys I've been on more than two dates with and I slowly decide who I want to spend more time with, then end up with one, we start to date, and so far by about the third month, it becomes clear there's no future...
Sometimes it's been a mutual realization, which is nice, no hard feelings. Other times it's been really painful to tell someone I've grown to care about and I know cares about me that I'm never going to love them in the way that they want me too. What I learned in my marriage though is that it's really important to recognize that sometimes we can love someone for how much they love us, but not actually love them for who they are...getting married before I actually knew myself or what's truly important to me was my biggest mistake, but I think the things I learned from that relationship are invaluable as well as all the other things I've picked up throughout the rest of my twenties.
I think it's not a bad idea to try and list out some of the key things I've learned, a nice way to recenter myself as I begin evaluating the people that I'm meeting...
1. Wanting to be friends regardless of a romantic interest is a great indicator that you respect someone and think highly of them. All good things to have when the goal is a lasting and healthy relationship because generally you'll have shared interests you can explore together and strengthen your bond.
2. Recognize that when you bring someone into your life, you're opening yourself up to their circle as well. If you can't be yourself around their chosen family, that doesn't bode well for longevity because that can often indicate there is a key factor of your partner that doesn't align with you.
3. A partner that has a full life in their own right that their content with is someone who has done the inner work to be self sustaining. While we all experience lows and need to rely on our network, someone who hasn't figured out how to be happy on their own will consistently drain you, and that's not sustainable. It is impossible for one person to meet all of your emotional needs. No one deserves to have that expected of them.
4. If you would never ask this person for life advice, you don't view them as an equal and if a partnership is your goal, you gotta feel like you're on the same level.
5. Having a complimentary sense of humor is SUPER important. Being able to laugh together is key to surviving the hard that inevitably lands on your doorstep.
6. Sharing similar morals and values not only impacts what you deem important i.e. typically how you'll agree where to spend your money, your time, and your energy, if you choose to have children, you have to be on the same page to provide those kids with stability and consistency.
7. Someone who is close with their family shows they believe family is important. But it's also important they've established healthy boundaries and there isn't a codependency because you will never come between those kinds of relationships and oftentimes that means you will have intrusive in-laws that will not respect your own rules for your life with your SO or raising your potential children.
8. If you find yourself saying "things will be better when this changes" make sure you're not holding out for someone to change, because unless they want to, people for the most part do not change. There's a difference between remaining optimistic through a difficult circumstance that is temporary, and continually excusing a behavior that clearly doesn't sit well with you.
9. No one is perfect, we are all human and we all make mistakes, all enduring relationships require forgiveness. However if someone says sorry yet doesn't learn from the experience and repeats the hurtful behavior, they're not actually sorry. The adage of "actions speak louder than words" holds true.
10. Love languages and communication styles are important to understand in all relationships but particularly romantic ones. No one is a mind reader, being able to clearly state your needs and your feelings is important. Also understanding that your partner may not receive love the same way you do is imperative in making sure your efforts at showing you care are effective.
11. Comparison is the death of joy which goes hand in hand with my current phrase of obsession "expectations are the blueprints for disappointment". This doesn't mean you don't have standards, it just means you cannot create expectations based on someone else's life you see the high light reel of on social media because that isn't reality. Having expectations that aren't grounded in reality will always lead to disappointment and cause your partner to feel like no matter what they do, they can never make you happy and that's a lose lose for everyone.
I think these days I have a good idea of the type of person I'm holding out for, but I know the core of it all, is that I'm just after true mutuality. I hope I luck into that soon, it's been a long time since I've had a person to dream about the future with.
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