Reckless

Well the hyper fixation on TTPD finally lifted enough for me to check out the new St. Vincent album, I had every intention of listening the day it dropped, but accommodating a last minute trip to NOLA because Buddha was experiencing suicidal ideation, I had more important things to focus on. But damn, I've only listened once through and currently just put Reckless on for a second listen cuz it was the one that stood out the most to me, but looking forward to really getting to know the rest of it. Annie Clark makes the kind of music Taylor Swift could only ever dream of making. Taylor does an amazing job of capturing specific kinds of emotions with lyrics that paint vivid images, and while the music is enjoyable and catchy, there's never really anything all that impressive. St. Vincent is immersive in a way that is hard to explain but I'm definitely going to make a point to see her on tour for this album.  This is definitely the best part of being fully remote, I am BLASTING this album right now and getting pumped to dive into some modeling work for a nuclear power plant. I'm sure I'll have more thoughts as I get further acquainted but there's something so special about an album you can listen all the way through, no skips. But these lines from Reckless "And every part of you is in me now, there's no going back, I breath you out" and this magnificent bridge "I've been mourning you since the day I met you" just are resonating. All the re-reading of my old blog entries and the wonder if the reader is the man has me remembering the reckless energy that relationship brings out of me. There's still parts of me that would dive right back into that maelstrom without hesitation and that's a bit worrisome. I think I hoped at some point I would grow and mature enough that none of that would be appealing, but I think I have become a bit comfortably numb if you will. I have forgotten what it's like to feel connected to someone and so I've been perseverating on the strongest and most intense connection I've ever had and I need to stop. If I keep idolizing this idea of what I think I've been after I will miss the reality of my present. I'm really hoping the desire to date and putting myself out there comes back sooner than later. 

We had my cousin's confirmation yesterday and I saw a lot of the family on my dad's side for the first time in a while. My one aunt had seen the video I posted of surprising my mom with Taylor Swift tickets and told me she thought I had told her that I was pregnant. And out slipped my mouth "Oh no, I wish, but no" and ugh what a gut punch, cuz I was being honest. I had just met my cousin's newborn earlier that day and held her for a long time and she just melted into my chest and had that perfect baby smell and that familiar ache I've been experiencing since my late twenties surfaced once again. My soul longs to be a mother and I get more afraid with every year that passes that I never will be. I always soothe myself by saying I will adopt should a family never happen organically, and I know I will, but it doesn't do much to ease the sadness I feel about it all. I've been divorced nine years now, and it'll be ten years since I left my Sailor in July and while I've done a lot of living across these years, sometimes I'm really not sure how much progress and growth in my ability to have a healthy long term commitment I've really made. I'm feeling a bit stir crazy lately and just a bit desperate to feel something again. I think I gotta get my butt back into regular therapy again :( 

While the time between my Sailor and Champlain I consider myself to have been mostly single since I was never in a serious relationship across that time, there were always men that I was dating or talking to for almost that entire time. Even those ten months between the third and final round with the man even though I was celibate for six months, there were still always these men chatting me up and trying to date me. With the matchmaker service there was no chatting ahead of a date, and only one of them did I see more than once. Like over the past year, I have only experienced flirty banter like twice and it was with Gray. I am in a romantic rut and I gotta do something to get the fuck out of it. I wish I knew what.  

Halfway

Five years ago today I started this blog when I was 6 weeks away from my 30th birthday and now I'm approaching 35 and officially at the halfway mark of this decade. I'm not currently planning a three week massive solo trip, but I am planning a 10 day trip to Ireland to see Taylor, check out that master's program, and explore the land of my ancestors with my mom and siblings. I am so very pumped and just know it's going to be an experience of a lifetime and something all of us treasure.

Who knows if it's all one person, but whomever is doing a deep dive into my one sided conversations has resulted in me re-reading a lot of my old stuff which has been mostly cathartic. At this point I think they've read like every entry across almost all the blogs, just not the one saved for my thoughts to the man. I don't really write too regularly in there anymore though, but woof a lot of those are heavy. Yesterday I re-read an early one of this blog where I made a list of the 16 things I wanted to do before the decade was out and I've made some serious progress on a lot of them! Have continued my US adventures and feel confident I will check the remaining states off in the next few years, especially since my college bestie just announced she's getting married in Alaska next year!!! I've definitely been making major strides in repairing relationships with people that matter to me, I do indeed now own a piano :) but I need to get on actually playing it regularly. Last night during my plane ride home from a VERY last minute trip to NOLA for a belated 30th celebration of Buddha I picked 16 songs from my Someday playlist. That playlist has been a keeper of songs that make me think of the man and definitely invoke a lot of emotion. One of the items on my list was to try out for one of those singing contest shows so my current goal is to learn to play those sixteen songs on the piano and practice singing them and maybe post some shit somewhere, go to some open mic things, and just get comfortable singing in public. Then just do it, I know it's doubtful I'll make it past the initial submission, but that's not the point, it's to push myself beyond my comfort zone doing something I have loved for as long as I can remember to fulfill a dream of little me. 

Speaking of dreams and going out of your comfort zone I finally participated in a threesome down in NOLA and honestly just disappointed. The dude ended up having a tiny limp dick :( Like I'm pretty sure I would have had more fun if it had just been Buddha and I LOL After he left he sent me a text that just said "Sorry 😞" hahahaha and then sent me something later the next day about how the experience messed with his self esteem as if I owe him comfort. Burdman wanted me to call him out for his inadequacies but I just told him he probably psyched himself out and that we had a fun night overall. Which we did, just not with him lol. He offered to make it up to us but I just left him on read and moved on with our plans. What a Friday night that was though, a delicious dinner, SO much dancing, lots of drinks, and my annual cigar it seems lol, giving my digits to the bouncer of one of the bars that told me I was stunning and gave me a rose made out of palm leaves, and then the Penthouse which honestly is officially one of my favorites places to go to in New Orleans. The women are gorgeous, the place is classy, and I felt so baller buying a lap dance for Buddha. Eventually at like 3:00am the bouncer met us at the strip club and then gave us ride back to our airbnb. The making out and him carrying me to my room was definitely enjoyable, but overall the experience just made me wish that Buddha and I had actually had a threesome with the man all those years ago. Now that would have been an experience to remember for sure. I genuinely miss the chemistry I shared with the man and I really hope I am lucky enough to meet someone who brings out that side of me again. I know my resolution this year was to have more sex, but I have not made a lot of progress on that, I am not even on the apps currently and I don't have a desire to be either. There's no point in forcing it though, I'm hoping that once we get back from the Ireland trip that I'll have a renewed impetus to put myself out there. If my life is actually a dramatic rom com I'm gonna meet someone over there haha. Honestly if we successfully trace our lineage, I'm 100% applying for dual citizenship and would definitely move there for an extended period of time. All the cousins joked about a group move there like last week. A few weeks ago my sister asked me where I wanted to settle down and I just immediately replied "Where ever you are". I didn't even have to think about it, it's the truth. Close to her and my other siblings is what I want, whether or not that's how life is going to unfold, we shall see. 

The family history stuff has been really cool though. I knew my maternal grandmother was from the Scranton area but turns out her dad was also a miner. Made me wonder how big those communities were and whether or not my ancestors knew the man's. What a wild thing that would be if it were true. I wonder when my brain will stop connecting the dots of my life experiences back to the man. He is a stranger, and has been for years now. I think the what if of it all is just really hard to quiet, and I always knew it would be, I always knew the way I felt about him was rare, but maybe I didn't know just how rare. He once pleaded for me to never forget him and I remember scoffing when I read it because lord knows how hard I've tried to do just that with no success. Reading through all those old posts and I noticed that he is just ever present in my thoughts and the way that I seem to make sense of my life and I do think that's because the moments I did share with him have been when I made the most sense to myself. I really do look forward to the day when I am actively building a life and growing a relationship with someone who is all in with me. I have so much love to give and so far it feels like it has been wasted on people who either didn't deserve it, or didn't want it. I'm just going to keep on trying to be ready for that person whomever that is, and whenever the timing will finally be right.

Feeling Light

Welp per usual miss Swift speaks to my soul. Seems like many people on the interwebs are dumb founded that the majority of her double album is about some "fling" and not her six year relationship but damn can I relate. Gosh I remember so vividly how fucking crazy I felt when I was absolutely devastated to have lost the man after only six weeks when my very own six year relationship already felt like a lifetime ago when in reality it had barely been over for a few weeks before things started. Three months hadn't even passed between the day I finally pulled the trigger on my divorce before the affair was over as well. This summer will be ten years since this all happened, and apparently 2014 is also the first time Taylor and her loml first fell. Time doesn't really mean much when you connect with someone and feel seen and understood. At this time ten years ago I had just started therapy for the first time as an adult because my Sailor had convinced me that there was something wrong with me after I had genuinely tried to end things in person and he just didn't accept that it was over. I think at the time I kept trying to salvage things because I was still in denial I had made such a big mistake. I also don't think I was quite ready to start all over again. While change is exciting, it's also always so overwhelming and so very hard. 

If I could reach through time and talk to younger me I would tell her that she was right, that what she wanted and was after was not a fantasy and that she did deserve so much more than what she had resigned herself to. I would tell her the choice to leave was the first one of many in making a life that was no longer a cage. That she would continue to live many more chapters in this life, all with so many delicious highs, along with some very painful lows, but a rich and loud life all the same. I don't know if I would warn her about the man, even now knowing how much heartache just knowing him would cause, I don't think I'd ever not want to have experienced that love. Our little bubble was always so magical and these days I'm grateful I did get to have all the days I did have with him. There were so many that I so dearly wanted to share with him that I never will, and there's parts of me that will mourn that forever. I was so convinced that I was perfect for him and he was perfect for me and that together we would help each other heal all of our trauma and continue growing into the best versions of ourselves. Someone has been reading through all the old blogs and it made me revisit some of those entries too. The feelings this man evokes in me have just always been so fucking intense and I so understand that obsession of needing to hold on to it. To feel that alive is rare, I knew it back then, but man do I know it now. It's been just over a year now since the man and I interacted with each other in preparation for Burdman's birthday. I'm really not sure I'll ever see him again and while I hate we never figured out how to be friends, it's probably a good thing because if we had, I would have never reached this place now where I have forgotten so much. I can't hear his voice or his laugh, nor can I see the way he used to look at me. If those were all still fresh I don't think anyone else would stand a chance. 

While I'm still hopeful to find that someone to love and grow with, this season seems to be about refocusing on me after giving so much to so many people in my life. I just finished my first week at my new job working with my mentor and I'm so genuinely happy. The month off was amazing, I'm so grateful to past me for deciding to just go to the Bahamas for a few days it was exactly what I needed. I have a lot of work ahead of me the next few weeks to get through my research paper for my class that I really thought I was going to do more of during the time off, but I really just needed rest. It's so hard to fight that internal voice that tells you that you're a piece of shit if you're not productive but we're not here to be productive. We're here to witness, experience and share love. That's it. Everything else that has been shoved down our throats is just a construct of the reality that we've collectively made. It's a reality that is definitely continuing to shift and while I'm anxious about the election this year and the divisiveness we're experiencing, I'm continually reminded of all the positive changes that have been happening right alongside all of the awful. I do still believe that this grand experiment that is the United States can be a place where every person has the ability to realize their dreams, no matter where or to who they were born to. I think at some point I really will get involved in politics, but for now I'm just gonna focus on learning my new role, starting a new business line as was discussed this week (!!!) and forming a healthy routine for myself and Lady.

I have a good feeling about this next chapter and am so relieved at how much lighter I feel after life felt so very heavy these past few years. 

The Sum

Right now I'm a few days away from a month of technically being unemployed for the first time since I was 14. It has honestly been unnerving and I'm hoping by the end of this week to have officially accepted my new role. I've never left a job before firmly having the next one but I've never had a supervisor so clearly gunning for me. My last day was the 15th and while last week was my first week off, it was crazy busy because it was my in person "Lab" in DC for the course I'm taking this semester. It was an amazing week, truly invigorating and so many of my classmates were incredibly impressive. I definitely know that at some point I need to work in the capital but it's very much about who you know.  I have no desire to start over, so a few more years in the industry and getting that master's in global climate change and policy should make it feasible for a more lateral transfer. Maybe through targeted contracts I can begin supporting policy efforts even sooner...However I'm not sure I'm in a financial position to go after that masters anytime soon. This current program was supposed to be completely covered by my previous firm and that obviously hasn't worked out. I was chatting with Burdman yesterday and I was telling him that without a family or close group of friends I see regularly, not having a job creates this really big hole. I am burnt out and I do need the time off, but I think I will be able to enjoy the time off when my immediate future is more settled.

I did decide to fill some of my time today with getting my 13th tattoo. It was a slow start after waking up to the horrible news about FSK. Wild that I was part of the feasibility study last year for the new dock they need to build ahead of the reconstruction. They've known the bridge has needed to be replaced for a while now, thankfully this all happened in the middle of the night, the loss of life could have been so much worse. With the port being closed, we'll have to wait and see just how steep the ramifications to the supply-chain will truly be...

This most recent tattoo is one that has been kicking around in my head for about a year. A long time ago at this point I once told the man "our lives are the sum of our choices" and I recently heard that phrase in a movie trailer and I was like yup that's a sign, time to get that tattoo. So I got a decision tree wrapped around a sigma. I love it. I'm hoping just like my first tattoo, being able to look down at it during this phase of transition will continue to inspire me to make better choices and focus on myself. I've spent so much of my life focused on others that I think I'm going to spend a little longer being intentionally single. I thought in September I was ready to try again and in December even invested in a matchmaker service. I was already feeling like I just needed to step away from it after that terrible date, but after this last date I had, I for sure know I have no interest in putting myself out there right now. I ended up meeting with this guy I matched with on a dating app years ago, like at least 2019 but quite possibly sooner than that. I used to have my Instagram linked to my profile and he ended up messaging me there a few months after my 30th birthday trip letting me know he had been reading along and was sorry he hadn't given me much thought when we first matched. We've had a few short conversations via messenger over the years but he was local for a conference so we agreed to meet up. It was a little weird knowing that he knew lots of pretty vulnerable things about my life, but also that this blog and these thoughts are such a small part of my experience. When I told my sister I was meeting him I told her it feels like I going out with a groupie lol. When I asked him if I lived up to online me, he told me that in person me was more interesting and that he could listen to me talk for hours. I liked that sentiment and I enjoyed learning about his many past lives. But after walking me to my car he made the assumption that I'd want him to come over and any part of me that was wondering if this was something worth exploring completely evaporated. I guess I thought that someone who is familiar with this part of me, would know that feeling like I'm only good for the physical parts of a relationship has been a recurring theme and one I very much no longer wish to cycle through. 

I'm not sure how long it's going to take for me to want to start trying again and that definitely makes me anxious because my hopes of a family are feeling like a pipe dream. If biological kids end up becoming infeasible, I will adopt, and if I finally luck into a worth while relationship, damn I can barely comprehend just how grateful I'll be to have found them and how hard I'm gonna love them. 

Date from hell

I can't believe I paid a matchmaker to go on this HORRIBLE DATE.

Miraculously, my chronically late ass actually leaves on time, but then there's an accident so I'm about ten minutes late and quickly park in the first garage I see and know I'll deal with the probably absurd cost later. At this point the only thing I know about the guy is his first name and that he's a lawyer, they don't even show you pictures ahead of these dates. So I walk in to the restaurant and the only dude waiting is this swanky looking guy in a long tweed jacket about my height with slicked back hair, but he clearly hasn't embraced his receding hairline and it's not quite working. He says my name as a question and I do my best to dismiss my first impression and have a good night.

The hostess takes us upstairs where it's much quieter and more intimate and then before she can seat us he rudely tells her, doesn't ask, that we'd like to be seated downstairs where the bar and TVs are setup. Strike two because now I have to practically shout to talk to him and had to repeat myself several times. Then our waitress comes by with menus and after she walks away he announces that he's not eating but it's fine if I want to. Excuse me? This is a DINNER date. At this point I'm like well fuck does this dude even want to be here?? I'm fucking starving and just drove through shitty traffic to get there so I get a chicken pot pie because fuck it. 

We end up having a really nice conversation, he's done some interesting things, he did ask engaging questions about me and my life and work, but the vibe is still confusing. It took him three separate quips to hammer home that he went to Harvard like I'm supposed to  automatically assume he went there because he mentioned offhand he lived in Boston for a bit, or know the Kennedy school is the law school of Harvard. Shit went right over my head. Eventually the waitress comes by to ask if we'd like to see the dessert menu and as the words "yes please" are coming out of my mouth this jabroni asks for the check! Like we had not discussed being done at all, it's be an hour, hour and a half TOPS and I've had one drink. So she awkwardly walks away and then brings the dessert menu but I'm not gonna order something now, he just made me feel like he's just done with this date and I'm already thinking I'll just grab a milkshake from the cold stone I saw on the way in and have it for my hour drive home. So we get the check and I say you didn't get any food, I feel weird letting you pay so we split the bill and I'm totally expecting this to be the end of the evening but completely dumbstruck it's over this soon.

We get outside and I'm expecting him to walk me to my car and instead he asks if I want to go back to his place where it's quieter and have another round of drinks. He says it's only a ten minute walk. Firstly I'm genuinely surprised, I truly wasn't sure at all if he liked me. I'm no where near ready to get back in the car, I already know I'm never seeing this Harvard douchebag ever again, but he has a handsome face and no one has kissed me in months so I think what the hell. We walk to his place, have those drinks and start taking turns picking music videos to play on his TV and he begins to ask me about my tattoos. Eventually we're making out on his couch, it's good, I'm into it, but then he makes it clear he wants to take things further and I firmly state I'm not sleeping with him but that doesn't mean we can't have a good time. However that somehow translated to we are in a porno now because that man proceeded to strip himself, slap my tit upon reengagement and then tell me to get on my knees. In retrospect, this is when I should have given up on the night, but instead I just look at him, scoff and say no I'm not doing that to my knees and then ask if he's ever knelt on a hardwood floor for an extended period of time, to which he lightly laughs and says no (I'm sorry but I gotta at least like you to put that kind of effort in). So instead I say we can move to the bedroom, but my boundary stands. I help him get there, and he gets me tissues, but then makes NO moves to return the favor. I'm thoroughly revved up so I start taking care of myself because it's become painfully obvious it ain't gonna happen from him. He acknowledges what's happening and says he's going to watch, and I'm like you can do that or you can help I don't care. He has a topless woman in patterned fishnets on his bed pleasuring herself, and he proceeds to FOLD his clothes and then leaves the room saying "I'll give you a massage when you're done". WHAT?! Why did he leave!!?

This night can't get any more ridiculous so when I come out to the living room I'm down for this massage I guess, but then this fucker asks if he can go first. I honestly don't know why I obliged, but I made damn sure I had my turn for this activity. Eventually I notice it's almost eleven and still have a drive ahead of me. So I get back in my dress and put on my heels and he just asks if I know where I'm going. Nothing about walking me to my car or getting me a ride back to it. Whatever, it's DC and I'm from the Philly suburbs and lived in West Philly during grad school, but still. I don't know why I still had any hope for this man to be any sort of a gentleman.

The ten minute walk feels much further this time and I definitely have blisters forming on the balls of my feet. Finally, I get to the garage and it's fucking locked and there's a metal gate at the ramp. I couldn't even walk it if I wanted to. There's no number for the garage on the ticket or any of the visible signage. I'm exhausted, there's no way I'm interacting with that guy again, and worst of all the cold stone was already closed as well. So I book a last minute hotel and just laugh at myself because I cannot believe the evening I've just had.

The next morning, the gate is still down but the sportbook place it's related to is finally open. I walk in and ask what I need to do to have my ticket validated. My options were to either pay $50 for the parking, or bet $50 and that is why I placed my first ever bet on the Kansas City Chiefs to win the Superbowl.

SO all that to say, I really hope Travis and the Chief's win so that maybe I break even on a night from hell and hopefully this will be the beginning of better luck. Doing my best to still believe that maybe this year I'll find my Travis.

Another Life

The day is almost over and I'm thinking about how in another life maybe I'd be wrapping up an eventful weekend celebrating the man's 40th. I hope today and this weekend he was loved loudly and with an audience because we all deserve to feel special, especially on our birthdays. I'm not sure I'll ever get to the point where I forget his birthday, but I do hope I reach place where I don't wish for that other life. Where yea maybe I wonder how he is and hope he's loved, but that's it. I've been acutely aware all week it was approaching and wondering and hoping there was a party for him. 

I don't know why I'm still convinced that he's just stuck in a trauma bond with someone who loves their life together but not him. I always just remember him telling me how before they got engaged and almost broke up, his sister's assessment was that the girl only cares about herself. Makes me wonder if on a weekend like this did they shovel their driveway together and enjoy the winter weather as a family? Or was that just a duty to be done that he did alone? Some day I hope when I finally have a family my partner and I would pick one of our favorite playlists have a shared listening session while sharing the labor of taking care of our home. That we'd sing and dance and play in the snow and when we finally finished the shoveling we'd go inside and have warm drinks by the fire, cuddle and tell stories of our favorite winter memories from childhood or ones we've spent together. I'm so ready to be making memories with someone we'll be reminiscing about when we're old and gray.

My cousin digitized an old family video from 1991 where everyone went to Florida. It was so interesting to see my young parents interacting as a married couple and bizarre to acknowledge I am the same age now my mother was in that video. The first baby of the next generation is here and more than a third of us are married. I so badly hope the timing of my life aligns with those I hold dear so we can grow through this stage of life together. Almost all of my friends have kids now and it's so hard to not feel like I'm running out of time.  I genuinely feel optimistic about this year but I'm still so impatient and I wish there was anything I could do to make it all happen faster.

I had a very intense interview last week and I'm sincerely praying I get an offer this week and can put in my notice because I'm SO over being micromanaged. A new job where I'm actually given the proper resources and support to do it should definitely lower my stress levels. Very hopeful this change will be the final step to really moving forward into this next phase of life. A phase where I'm not stuck in the past or hanging out in limbo, but instead I'm actively creating that shared life I've always wanted.

Resolutions

I'm in bed, just took some nyquil for this damn sore throat and Lady has the zoomies. The end of the year was a blur with finals and then the holidays. Got a B+ in GIS and A- in my probability and stats class so I'm thrilled with that. Both classes were so much more work then I was really prepared for but re-engaging my learning brain has definitely been a good thing. It definitely helped me see that no matter what I do it's never going to be enough for my supervisor. So on the Wednesday before Christmas during my lunch break I googled Asset Management roles and the first one to pop up was for the firm my current collaborator on some projects works for, and annoyingly the same firm the man now apparently works for. I emailed my colleague after applying giving him the heads up and turns out he's the senior VP of the group. I had no idea. Things moved quickly, the very next day they asked my availability for an interview and sent along their benefits package.  I had the interview today and feel really good about it and genuinely believe this opportunity would catapult me into the policy world. I'm not sure about the next steps but feeling good about my chances for receiving an offer. Luckily being in different states and business practices I really don't think it will matter at all that the man works there, but that will be a bit wild to be working for the same firm again. Our friendship really did start with unusually heavy conversations via the office communicator. It's crazy that while we're complete strangers these days, I'm genuinely still friends with Gray after all these years. We've chatted almost monthly this past year and it's been really nice. It was especially nice having someone to chat with as we rolled into this new year. Honestly I wasn't particularly down about being home and alone, my social battery was zero and I love my cottage. But it was comforting knowing I wasn't alone in my experience, we've actually commiserated about NYE in the past so was glad to hear he wasn't forcing himself to participate in anything he didn't want to. He was way flirtier than usual though, I think he's really digging being 40. I've definitely never been good at completely shutting that down and ultimately decided that I'm over caring about some stupid line of respect for someone I don't know anymore and just enjoyed the conversation and the affirming attention and finally let someone appreciate the full and uncropped NSFW versions of some my favorite photos from that boudoir shoot a few years ago. I don't really know why I never showed them all to Champlain, only a few. Again my sexuality was incredibly dampened in that relationship and I think I thought that maybe I had just outgrown that, that it was a more mature relationship, but in reality I think what I'm attracted to had just evolved. It no longer matters that a physical attraction is there, if I don't respect you, somehow I have no desire to "degrade" myself by sending raunchy photos or feel the urge to jump your bones every chance I get. 

Still chatting with the new guy, not sure I can actually handle him sharing the name of the man... have another first date on Friday.  I'm genuinely hopeful this year I will begin the relationship that is meant for me and that I'll be able to be so loved and secure that my best depraved self will truly come out and play with abandon. I miss the kind of energy fun and intense sex garners. My hoe phases were a god damn mess, but they were so much fun. Can "have more sex" be a new years resolution? It's probably one a lot of people have but just don't share. I had sex three times last year. That feels absurd. Yea, I think it is one of my resolutions. I wanna have enough to lose count and ideally it's all with one person, but I've never been too particular on how I reach my goals so I guess we'll find out.