Date from hell

I can't believe I paid a matchmaker to go on this HORRIBLE DATE.

Miraculously, my chronically late ass actually leaves on time, but then there's an accident so I'm about ten minutes late and quickly park in the first garage I see and know I'll deal with the probably absurd cost later. At this point the only thing I know about the guy is his first name and that he's a lawyer, they don't even show you pictures ahead of these dates. So I walk in to the restaurant and the only dude waiting is this swanky looking guy in a long tweed jacket about my height with slicked back hair, but he clearly hasn't embraced his receding hairline and it's not quite working. He says my name as a question and I do my best to dismiss my first impression and have a good night.

The hostess takes us upstairs where it's much quieter and more intimate and then before she can seat us he rudely tells her, doesn't ask, that we'd like to be seated downstairs where the bar and TVs are setup. Strike two because now I have to practically shout to talk to him and had to repeat myself several times. Then our waitress comes by with menus and after she walks away he announces that he's not eating but it's fine if I want to. Excuse me? This is a DINNER date. At this point I'm like well fuck does this dude even want to be here?? I'm fucking starving and just drove through shitty traffic to get there so I get a chicken pot pie because fuck it. 

We end up having a really nice conversation, he's done some interesting things, he did ask engaging questions about me and my life and work, but the vibe is still confusing. It took him three separate quips to hammer home that he went to Harvard like I'm supposed to  automatically assume he went there because he mentioned offhand he lived in Boston for a bit, or know the Kennedy school is the law school of Harvard. Shit went right over my head. Eventually the waitress comes by to ask if we'd like to see the dessert menu and as the words "yes please" are coming out of my mouth this jabroni asks for the check! Like we had not discussed being done at all, it's be an hour, hour and a half TOPS and I've had one drink. So she awkwardly walks away and then brings the dessert menu but I'm not gonna order something now, he just made me feel like he's just done with this date and I'm already thinking I'll just grab a milkshake from the cold stone I saw on the way in and have it for my hour drive home. So we get the check and I say you didn't get any food, I feel weird letting you pay so we split the bill and I'm totally expecting this to be the end of the evening but completely dumbstruck it's over this soon.

We get outside and I'm expecting him to walk me to my car and instead he asks if I want to go back to his place where it's quieter and have another round of drinks. He says it's only a ten minute walk. Firstly I'm genuinely surprised, I truly wasn't sure at all if he liked me. I'm no where near ready to get back in the car, I already know I'm never seeing this Harvard douchebag ever again, but he has a handsome face and no one has kissed me in months so I think what the hell. We walk to his place, have those drinks and start taking turns picking music videos to play on his TV and he begins to ask me about my tattoos. Eventually we're making out on his couch, it's good, I'm into it, but then he makes it clear he wants to take things further and I firmly state I'm not sleeping with him but that doesn't mean we can't have a good time. However that somehow translated to we are in a porno now because that man proceeded to strip himself, slap my tit upon reengagement and then tell me to get on my knees. In retrospect, this is when I should have given up on the night, but instead I just look at him, scoff and say no I'm not doing that to my knees and then ask if he's ever knelt on a hardwood floor for an extended period of time, to which he lightly laughs and says no (I'm sorry but I gotta at least like you to put that kind of effort in). So instead I say we can move to the bedroom, but my boundary stands. I help him get there, and he gets me tissues, but then makes NO moves to return the favor. I'm thoroughly revved up so I start taking care of myself because it's become painfully obvious it ain't gonna happen from him. He acknowledges what's happening and says he's going to watch, and I'm like you can do that or you can help I don't care. He has a topless woman in patterned fishnets on his bed pleasuring herself, and he proceeds to FOLD his clothes and then leaves the room saying "I'll give you a massage when you're done". WHAT?! Why did he leave!!?

This night can't get any more ridiculous so when I come out to the living room I'm down for this massage I guess, but then this fucker asks if he can go first. I honestly don't know why I obliged, but I made damn sure I had my turn for this activity. Eventually I notice it's almost eleven and still have a drive ahead of me. So I get back in my dress and put on my heels and he just asks if I know where I'm going. Nothing about walking me to my car or getting me a ride back to it. Whatever, it's DC and I'm from the Philly suburbs and lived in West Philly during grad school, but still. I don't know why I still had any hope for this man to be any sort of a gentleman.

The ten minute walk feels much further this time and I definitely have blisters forming on the balls of my feet. Finally, I get to the garage and it's fucking locked and there's a metal gate at the ramp. I couldn't even walk it if I wanted to. There's no number for the garage on the ticket or any of the visible signage. I'm exhausted, there's no way I'm interacting with that guy again, and worst of all the cold stone was already closed as well. So I book a last minute hotel and just laugh at myself because I cannot believe the evening I've just had.

The next morning, the gate is still down but the sportbook place it's related to is finally open. I walk in and ask what I need to do to have my ticket validated. My options were to either pay $50 for the parking, or bet $50 and that is why I placed my first ever bet on the Kansas City Chiefs to win the Superbowl.

SO all that to say, I really hope Travis and the Chief's win so that maybe I break even on a night from hell and hopefully this will be the beginning of better luck. Doing my best to still believe that maybe this year I'll find my Travis.