Another Life

The day is almost over and I'm thinking about how in another life maybe I'd be wrapping up an eventful weekend celebrating the man's 40th. I hope today and this weekend he was loved loudly and with an audience because we all deserve to feel special, especially on our birthdays. I'm not sure I'll ever get to the point where I forget his birthday, but I do hope I reach place where I don't wish for that other life. Where yea maybe I wonder how he is and hope he's loved, but that's it. I've been acutely aware all week it was approaching and wondering and hoping there was a party for him. 

I don't know why I'm still convinced that he's just stuck in a trauma bond with someone who loves their life together but not him. I always just remember him telling me how before they got engaged and almost broke up, his sister's assessment was that the girl only cares about herself. Makes me wonder if on a weekend like this did they shovel their driveway together and enjoy the winter weather as a family? Or was that just a duty to be done that he did alone? Some day I hope when I finally have a family my partner and I would pick one of our favorite playlists have a shared listening session while sharing the labor of taking care of our home. That we'd sing and dance and play in the snow and when we finally finished the shoveling we'd go inside and have warm drinks by the fire, cuddle and tell stories of our favorite winter memories from childhood or ones we've spent together. I'm so ready to be making memories with someone we'll be reminiscing about when we're old and gray.

My cousin digitized an old family video from 1991 where everyone went to Florida. It was so interesting to see my young parents interacting as a married couple and bizarre to acknowledge I am the same age now my mother was in that video. The first baby of the next generation is here and more than a third of us are married. I so badly hope the timing of my life aligns with those I hold dear so we can grow through this stage of life together. Almost all of my friends have kids now and it's so hard to not feel like I'm running out of time.  I genuinely feel optimistic about this year but I'm still so impatient and I wish there was anything I could do to make it all happen faster.

I had a very intense interview last week and I'm sincerely praying I get an offer this week and can put in my notice because I'm SO over being micromanaged. A new job where I'm actually given the proper resources and support to do it should definitely lower my stress levels. Very hopeful this change will be the final step to really moving forward into this next phase of life. A phase where I'm not stuck in the past or hanging out in limbo, but instead I'm actively creating that shared life I've always wanted.