Changes

 It's been a while since I've written anything anywhere I guess life has been mostly happy and busy. A lot has changed this second half of the year. I left my job in August! Some shady shit went down near the end, it was a weird experience and I'm really grateful to no longer be in those circumstances. I'm making $13,000 more than I was, the hours are way better, I feel challenged yet appreciated, and the commute is twenty minutes only some time! One of the main clients I am supporting is a ten minute walk from our apartment, I've never walked to work before and I really like it.  I definitely had not recognized just how much the old job had begun to negatively impact my mental health, Champlain mentioned a month into the new job that I'm much nicer lol. It's definitely super nice to have co-workers again and to be learning from experienced project managers. This past month was definitely super busy and really fun. I participated in my first tough mudder, we went to a Shakespeare play, our good friends wedding, SKY DIVING, ren fair and then a Vegas trip with my sister for When We Were Young Festival. Sky diving was amazing, I unfortunately was recovering from a sinus infection so at the very end my head felt like it was going to explode and I had to blow real hard with my hand clamped on my nose to relieve the pressure. It's definitely something wild to be high enough to notice the curvature of the earth and then to look down and not even feel like you're falling for this first minute because the ground is not getting perceptively closer.  Vegas with my sister was pretty amazing, it was so nice to get that much time together and be able to talk about ourselves and our lives and not just our brother and the family.   

Other big changes for me are that Burdman and Buddha are no longer friends and I don't think that'll ever recover which does make me sad.  Back in June Buddha was forced into a situation where she had to choose between her hobbit in Denver and Burdman and I think because of their past where he was never willing to try with her, and to this day doesn't acknowledge they dated, the choice felt obvious, but she handled it terribly, and she hurt Burdman's feelings. Meanwhile we'd had a  road trip planned for months to see some bands we all love in Detroit. I remember being nervous the trip was gonna be so awkward but even though she tuned out some of our inflammatory chats during the drive out there, once we got there it was fine, felt like old times. The day of the show we started things off with a boozy brunch followed by a dive bar. I don't drink a lot, like ever, but I completely forgot the Blood Mary's at brunch were doubles and we made new friends at the bar and shots were traded and before I knew it, I was absolutely polluted.  Buddha had become progressively flirtier as the morning went on, and not just with Burdman, with myself and our new friends. Everyone was having a good time, but it became clear when we left the bar to head back to the hotel to freshen up before the show that the good times were over for me. I haven't puked the contents of my soul like that in years. Dear lord it was awful. I told them to go on without me that I would be fine on my own and would join if I could. Apparently Burdman was not willing to be late and went ahead, and Buddha eventually caught up with him but the crowds were too much and she started to have a panic attack. I'll never know the entire truth of the situation because I wasn't there, but from her perspective she grabbed at Burdman I guess to get his attention to maybe ask to leave the area they were in, and he at the time reached his limit with her flirting and grabbed her hand and placed it on his crotch two times, I guess trying to get her to decide her intentions one way or another. She interpreted this interaction as sexual assault, and months later I'm still having a hard time categorizing it as such. It's difficult because I can't help but recall a night at a show with Burdman four years ago now where he forced his hands down my pants and started to kiss me when I had not purposefully indicated I wanted any of that. I remember trying to remove his hands, I remember asking him what he was doing, and I remember wanting all of it to stop but knowing we were right next to a security guard and not wanting the situation to be misinterpreted, or blown out of proportion and I just kinda turned off, and let it happen. Later that evening we engaged in further activities but those all felt more consensual for sure, but I guess my initial reaction to her feelings were lol that's not sexual assault. Whereas in reality I guess that it was, and that both situations are not ok, but both situations include people with previous history of sexual involvement and alcohol and zero malicious intent so can you give it such a black and white label? All I know is the whole thing made me uncomfortable and I didn't know the proper way to handle it, there was a lot of gray to it and I don't think Buddha acknowledged her flirtations and leading him on, but flirting does not equal consent. She has decided to categorize him as not a good person, asked me never to talk about him with her and to not share details of her life with him.  People are the sum of their choices, not their misjudgments, but I can't say it was an isolated event because of my own experience.  But I think back on that night and I remember feeling like we were a couple ahead of him making a move, so if I felt that, he did too, and when I try to remember why it had that air to it, it dawns on me that it was just a week after I had met up with the Man after bailing on him twice. We had spent 6 hours together, enough to undue 10 months of trying to let go and had absolutely put me in the head space of wishing deeply I had someone and maybe wondering for the 100th time why couldn't it be Burdman? But I think that experience made it abundantly clear to both of us that the nature of our connection is not romantic, even if we both find each other attractive, I'm far too annoying to him and he's far too inflexible for the chaos my life will always have. 

The chaos has been dialed down dramatically, my thirties are another world compared to my twenties, but just the very nature of me and my family, predictability is just not something I'll ever have. I'm sure the way I was feeling back then is why shortly after that incident with Burdman I allowed the Man back into my life for four months, this time a true secret, even on my end. It feels crazy that all happened years ago, sometimes when a memory of him surfaces, it all feels like it happened yesterday. Just a few days ago Burdman called me drunk af after a night out with the softball team, the Man included and I immediately wished I could reach out to him to hear his side of the story of the married broad that kept grabbing Burdman's dick lol. When Burdman's best friend in the whole wide world had to be put down, I did reach out to the Man. I remember mulling over it the entire drive home to MD after going to the vet with him, I kept asking myself am I taking advantage of a reason to reach out? I never landed on a clear answer on that front, but what I did land on was that I wasn't going to ever be in a place where my best friend was gone and I was saying I wish I had done more. I was going to do the most, so I told someone I know cares about him too, hey treat with care this human is hurting. We hadn't interacted with each other in a few months at that point and it wasn't even a conversation yet Burdman still doubted my intentions. Nothing I can do about that but the only person I have to be in peace with is myself and I did what I thought was right. It's crazy it's been over a year since we lost our co-worker. I thought a lot about him this past month, I wondered if the guys had a drink for him at their softball gathering.  

Depression is a terrible thing and while people who suffer from it have some similar experiences, it's also such a personal thing that is so hard to understand and so hard to know how to fucking help. My twin still isn't working, but he has definitely made progress and has started talking about getting a job so I guess that's better than nothing. I know Champlain is much more frustrated with his lack of financial contribution and he's been asking more recently if he will move out to our family townhouse. I knew I was putting myself in a precarious situation but I guess I hoped it would be more stable for a bit longer? We just renewed our lease for another year so I guess our relationship is safe for another year? We've been together for two years now, my first serious relationship since getting divorced, and his most serious and longest relationship ever. It's still the healthiest thing I've ever been in but we've been revisiting the conversation about kids. I asked him to get into the therapy to deal with his childhood trauma, that I want to know we did all we could to see if we could have a life together and if he still doesn't want children, then it will be time for goodbye. I have no desire to talk someone into a life they don't readily want, especially when I know there are men out there who really do want a family. I just know it's hard to find someone who compliments you so well and makes it so easy to be yourself. It was therapeutic to learn in Vegas that my sister and I are literally dealing with the same thoughts. I don't know what the future holds or why I maintain the desire to try and plan it when I know so well plans are a fools errand. I guess my plans will always be my attempt to know the direction I wish to go in and I'll just keep refining my ability to handle what life throws at me and course correct whenever I need to.           

Sweet Relief

Relief and released I think can accurately sum up the way I've been feeling the last month or so. I had been sick with a sinus infection, off my ADD meds and probably a little high on Nyquil so impulsivity levels were high and I had just directly talked about the man with my former coworker and friend that's leaving his pregnant wife earlier that day so sending one of my long winded emails felt like a worth while thing. I had been thinking about reaching out for a while just because I could tell that I was no longer making any kind of progress on my own moving forward from the whole thing and when his wife randomly made one of her socials public I just found myself sincerely wondering if he was actually happy. Her version of their life gave zero indication of the real hurt they both caused each other and I noticed that in the last few years she never posts directly about him aside for father's day. Nothing for his birthday, nothing for their anniversary and I just wondered is that where they're at? They love and respect each other for the wonderful co-parents they are and may not actually have much beyond that?

But I'm glad I reached out, because he responded and from the horses mouth they have fully recovered and are really happy and literally the only thing I felt was such relief. I don't think I had realized there was this part of me that was still afraid that this bullshit would cycle around again and blow up my life yet again. I don't even understand how that fear was still there when I have purposefully made decisions to insulate myself from that probability. I think the trauma of things being off and on again over so many years left its mark more than I thought. Even though I admitted to still missing him, and perhaps that's somewhat desperate, it just makes me think about Dido's White Flag. I don't think I'm ever going to reach a place where I don't believe that we could have had something others only dream of, but at this point in my life I'm just grateful to truly know what it's like to not only love and be attracted to someone, but to genuinely respect and find them interesting. I had forgotten that giddy feeling of talking to someone I feel that way about, like I was markedly in a much better mood the day we chatted than I'd been in weeks. I think it just goes to show how impactful your chosen partner can be in your overall wellbeing and enjoyment of life. 

Before moving in with Champlain I think things were pretty fucking close to how it'd been with the man, but my respect for him significantly dipped after it has become an ongoing battle to get through the simple labor of sharing a household. I was feeling really fucking stuck and frustrated, yet slowly but surely it's getting better, but it's really been a trigger to my marriage. I sincerely have zero interest in mothering a grown man and taking on ALL the mental labor like I did back than. More days than not we still have so much fun together so at least I have that, but we'll see what the future holds. One thing I'm super grateful for is to not have the added pressure of marriage and promises weighing me down when I consider my future and what may be next. There truly is such a difference in the mechanics of it, but it was definitely interesting to hear the man's take on the situation with our coworkers and it just was so very clear that accepting their choices or seeing them as worthwhile in any way would directly challenge the world view he had secured to stay in his own marriage. I understand that kids add another element to it for sure, but people don't exist solely to procreate and for the sake of their kids. It's fucking selfish and irresponsible to not take them into consideration, but kids are not worth the sacrifice of a life that you actually want. The raising a family stage is hard as fuck, I commend everyone who ventures into that, but it's not supposed to be joyless and a drag most of the time, truly. I believe when you do it with a real partner, it will still be hard, but the joy of it will always be easily accessible. 

I still don't know if that's something that will eventually be a part of my life story, but it seems like every day I feel more sure about this idea of a boarding school for orphan high schoolers, the ones no one adopted and still deserve a family. A school that leans very heavily on montessori, incorporates mental, occupational, speech, and physical therapies and prepares these kids for college and provides a home for them to come back to during their college breaks. Reading stories of orphans who had persevered and received scholarships for school but then were displaced during the pandemic and many who lost access to reliable internet and could only go to shelters and just had worked their asses off for it all to fall through, their grades to slip and to lose their scholarships. It all broke my heart. I still don't know the logistics of turning this into a reality but I know I'm gonna figure it out even if it takes me until I'm an old lady.

See this has been the greatest gift of finally feeling released, the ability to use this brain of mine to think about other shit, the man no longer takes up so much fucking space and I just truly couldn't be more relieved.

To the core

Right about now, five years ago after a night of heavy drinking, I was on Density's couch texting back the man who had told me earlier that night he needed to speak to me. I had no idea I was opening the door to three years of mostly heart ache. At the time it just felt surreal that I was talking to him after nearly 2.5 years of pretending not to love him and nearly six months of zero contact. This past day also happened to mark 1,121 days since he last kissed me. Was looking through my apps this week completely forgetting about my counters. Couldn't believe that number coincided with this date. 

I really don't understand why it feels like the #21 haunts me, but it does. Last week I found out two of my friends and former coworkers have been having an affair and are leaving their spouses for each other. Aside from being sincerely shocked and very sad for their spouses and kids whom I've come to love, there's honestly a piece of me that is jealous. Jealous that both of them were so sure about their feelings for each other they both have blown up their lives. It makes the part of me that still loves that man wish he'd have loved me enough to do the same. 

I was so sure about him that I let myself stay entangled in his drama for years of my life. I was still so heart broken and struggling to give up and believe he was never coming back that I had to move to another state.

I'm now coming to terms with the very real likelihood that because of that mess and my attachment to the future I so badly wanted with him and no one else, I may have missed out on having biological children. 

I thought by now I wouldn't still care so much or still be so disappointed at how it all turned out, but I think every time I'm reminded just how wrong I was to believe it was mutual it's gonna fucking hurt to my core.

Myself

Three years ago the man came over for an afternoon delight. Two years ago I was single as a pringle and went to a play on Valentine's with my twin. Now this will be my second year having a genuine valentine and with one who knows pretty flowers, some chocolates, and not having to cook and preferably take-out is all that I need. I didn't watch a lick of the superbowl this year, Champlain was working and when I got home from a galentine's tea outing and food shopping I just got distracted by things around the apartment to do as we get ready for our Taco Twosday party! Which I'm pumped for! I haven't hosted a party since I don't remember... I think maybe since I had my townhouse in Chestnut Hill? Dang that's like 8 years ago. Yea I was either living with my folks or in too tiny places to host anything. We definitely had company at the apartment in West Philly but never a party, and for my 30th my grad school friend's hosted so it was a little different. It's also really cool that even though it's mostly a birthday party for Champlain, all the people that are coming, I've actually met and know! 

In years past the man would head down to Florida to visit with his dad, golf, and watch the Superbowl. In 2019 I actually drove him to the airport and he kept his car at my place. The whole thing fucked with my head because it was something I was so willing and happy to do, but when he gave me a quick peck goodbye I just couldn't reconcile the intimacy of it with the lack of clarification on what the fuck we were doing. It just made it hurt even more to acknowledge I only existed in this shadow part of his life and that it wasn't real. I hated that my most significant romantic relationship had never been a relationship at all. I wanted to hold out for that magical experience of a sex club with someone I have such an intense chemistry with and I am glad that I did, but I remember driving home from that night and at one point absentmindedly falling into the habit of holding hands while he drove and singing along to a song we both associate with us and then that moment where we both abruptly let go, realizing we'd crossed that invisible line of the situation. 

I couldn't help but wonder if the man was indeed in Florida and chuckled at the realization that somehow I've managed to date someone who's entire immediate family aside from his father, also lives in the very same city as the man's father. I haven't visited them down there yet, but probably this year at some point. I've been more worried about the man lately, wondering if he's coping well from the loss of our colleague, and still wondering if he's actually happy in his marriage. I don't really know why I still care as  much as I do and just hope that soon it stops. I don't want the heaviness of all that weighing me down even for a second any more, there's so much to be grateful for these days and wallowing on the what ifs feels so rude to my current self. I think at this point that perhaps it's just habit and I need to decide on something else to redirect my thoughts to but for some reason I'm struggling to determine what a better thing to be worried or think about could be...maybe just myself?

Disappointed

I'm home alone after a very stressful week and I'm struggling to remind myself why there are certain people that you just can't have in your life when things don't work out the way you hoped. I so badly want to text the man I spent so many years loving and pining over and wishing for a future with "Happy Birthday! Hope you have a great time celebrating with your family" because so much of me still wishes we never fucked over a genuine friendship I've never been able to replicate. But I can't and I won't because I don't know him anymore. 

I wish that shit didn't bother me at all but somehow it still does. I think it just will never sit right that I don't know someone I care so much about. I still don't understand that particular chapter of my life and it's not feeling like I ever will. I'm just so grateful that thinking about it no longer makes my heart hurt, just so disappointed.

Reset

Welp it is 2022 and I think like most people I'm doing my best to not have any grand expectations about what's ahead, but I do think there's things to look forward to. The end of the year was mayhem, from too many funerals to wrapping up the year workwise before heading out for vacation. I'm really glad I was able to take the last two weeks of the year off and go to Italy. It was truly an amazing trip but it also got me in my head quite a lot. It was my first time being on vacation with a significant other, it felt like such a big deal and it was to a degree. Champlain was a wonderful person to experience that with for sure, but there were definitely times where I wished it was with someone I knew I was building a life with, someone who was going to be my future not just my right now. I think I just started to question what the fuck I was doing moving in with someone and going on a nice ass vacation I was mostly financing that ultimately is not my person. I feel so unclear on how much longer this relationship is going to last and I think that's making me feel unsettled. I also started to fear that I was just being used and I haven't gotten over that yet and I'm not quite sure how to. I told him during the trip at one point a little bit about how I was feeling, but I definitely didn't go all the way into it because I didn't want to ruin the trip. Maybe soon there will be a better time to really sit and talk about the future a bit and give myself a clearer picture. Right now I'm wrapping up my first day back at work and getting ready to head out and pick up Lady from my sister's place. I really can't wait to snuggle that furball, I've missed her SO much. I may not be clear on my relationship with Champlain, but I feel confident I'll be in Maryland until I decide it's time to go back to school again for that Master's in Global Change at University Dublin College and then after that, who knows what will be next. Maybe back to the Philly area, maybe another place, maybe back to the firm I'm with now, but the goal is to be a policy advisor to like the EPA or something of that nature so where ever that may take me is where I'll go. I don't feel particularly connected to anywhere or anyone right now and I don't think that's bad? I'm not sure. I was definitely stressed and struggling at the end of this year, the break was needed, and right now I feel like I'm resetting and hoping the updates are decent lol. Cheers to another year in the books and half through another year around the sun.