Well it was a hell of a fucking week and I'm very grateful to be home at my place, Champlain is sitting across from me on the day bed playing some video games while Lady cuddles next to him and I'm just dicking around on the chromebook. I got a flu shot and my covid booster earlier this afternoon and just waiting to see how shitty I'll feel lol.
I was already feeling anxious about the possibility of seeing the man at the end of last week and then on Saturday Buddah let me know that I definitely was going to, no matter which option of the memorial events I chose to attend so it just got fucking worse and basically Friday through Sunday I was not able to get my fucking brain to shut off any earlier than like 4:30 in the morning. So went into the week sleep deprived and then it was just kinda nonstop after I left my place Monday morning to head to PA in time for a 1:00pm meeting and some fires at work due to incompetent people...I'm at least glad that Sunday night I was able to be a little more forthcoming with Champlain about how I was feeling. Like I had told him immediately that I was feeling anxious about seeing the man, but nothing more than that, but Sunday night I ended up going more into it and cried on the phone. At one point I was telling him how fucking frustrated I was to be having such a big reaction to this when it's been years and when I'm so happy and love him and why isn't that enough and he made it a point to stop me right there. He was like no no no, us has nothing to do with this, your body is reacting to trauma and a situation you never got closure in, there's nothing wrong with that. It truly made me feel better and I decided that if I was going to unfortunately have a panic attack like I would in the office during the times when I didn't know where I stood with the man, I'd prefer to have it in the setting of the happy hour and not at any of the formal events.
So I went to the happy hour on Tuesday and there were so many people there that I hadn't seen in years that I almost immediately forgot that he was going to be showing up at any moment. I was in the middle of talking to someone when he came in from a side door instead of the open garage door I was facing and next thing I know he was directly behind me. I was pleasantly surprised that he greeted me with an opening for a hug that I promptly accepted. I figured that would be it, that we'd keep our distance, but eventually there he was standing right in front of me as I was having a conversation with another former colleague about Champlain. We ended up getting to chat a bit about random things, mostly superficial, but I did get to see photos of his family dressed up for Halloween and I just remember feeling so relieved with how well it went. I didn't get the butterflies that I used to get when in his presence, there wasn't the sexual tension that would often be there, it was just this sense of the familiar and being genuinely pleased that it seemed that he was happy. He even made a point to say goodbye and I asked for one more hug which he obliged. I slept so well that night and just thought that finally we were moving on to a phase where maybe catching up could be an ok thing.
Wednesday afternoon after getting up at 4 in the fucking morning to pick up Buddah from the airport and then working straight from 6:30am at Burdman's kitchen table until like 2:30pm, he mentioned that the man was going to wait for us before heading into the visitation at the funeral home. I texted him not too long after that saying I was glad he wasn't going to be alone and that I had been worried and wished he could just join our carpool but was grateful that he had acknowledged me the day before. He told me that it was nice to see me and that it seemed I was doing well and that he was happy for that. I responded saying that I would like to genuinely catch up and hear about his life if he was open to it and that I was relieved that he seemed happy and then he never responded. It wasn't necessarily something that needed a response, and I didn't initially think much of it, but then later that day when we all met up outside the funeral home he didn't greet me and then could barely make eye contact with me even though we all waited in line together for like an hour. When we all parted ways for the evening, again nothing, it was SO fucking weird and I totally have whiplash about it. Apparently I crossed some invisible line that he refuses to define for me and it's frustrating as fuck. I know the only reason why I was interested in catching up was so that I don't have to fucking wonder anymore how he's doing, I could just know and then maybe thoughts of him would finally stop being so fucking intrusive.
When I was explaining more details about the last "round" with the man to Champlain I finally was able to articulate why I had been so mad initially when I found out he had chosen to stay in his marriage. It wasn't that he had chosen her over me, like sure learning that would have always hurt, but would not have made me angry, cuz it's not a wrong choice. If you can make things work to keep your family together, that is always a worthwhile thing and something I'm a big supporter of and feel like I always made that clear when we were in contact with each other. What made me mad was that he didn't tell me himself, and instead let me just find out and then chose to ignore me making me feel like I had done something wrong. I think it hurt that he apparently didn't think that I would be capable of accepting that choice and eventually reaching a place where I could be happy for him. I think I thought he knew me enough to know that at the end of the day the only thing I cared about was his happiness, even if it didn't include me.
Overall it was a pretty sad and draining week but it truly was nice to see so many people that seemed so happily surprised to see me. It really made me miss what it was like truly working with your friends. I genuinely like a lot of the people I work with, but I'm not friends with any of them, and now, I'm just alone for the majority of my time. I'm pretty excited that soon, my work from home days I won't be alone and could have lunch with Champlain and the occasional afternoon delight... I think that will be really nice.
Well this next week is gonna go by in a blur I'm sure and at the end of it, it'll be moving day!!! Genuinely pumped to get into the new place and setup a new home with my little family.
