Tao

This is my sixth round of holidays being single. I guess perhaps in 2017 I wasn't truly single and had someone to exchange Christmas gifts with, and last year I spent Christmas night with that same man, but the further away from all that I get the less comfortable I feel calling it a relationship. It really never got there.  Something I said not too long ago describes it well, we were never nothing, but never something either, just always an almost. It never really got off the ground because he never gave it that chance. For the majority of the past five years with that situation imploding and resurfacing it just always felt so circumstantial, and so unfinished. I have lamented to friends how I really never thought I was still going to be single 5 years after getting divorced but of course I am. How could I have ever been capable of truly connecting and letting anyone else in when I have allowed my heart to remain with someone that never chose me back. When things ended the first time in 2014 he told me not to give my heart up to someone who wouldn't cherish it and I truly had no clue that years later that would ultimately mean no longer giving it to him.

Once requited love is proving to be extremely difficult to let go of but it has been forcing me to spend so much time with myself, and learning my flaws in glaring ways. Living a heart centered life often causes me turmoil, but I'm not sure switching to a more logical way is the answer. Everything I've been learning this last year has pointed more to this idea of balance. To acknowledge the gray of it all and learn to be comfortable in it. To learn how to be more present in the now and not allow myself to spend so much time ruminating over the past and worrying about the future. I've never felt more present in my life than I did on my trip to Europe. I've never felt peace and calmness and genuine contentedness like I did during those magical three weeks. I'm still kinda pissed I allowed an interaction with that man the week I came back to result in me losing that feeling. That yet again I let my hurt from that cause me to descend into despair instead of staying in the high vibration of being satisfied with my life. I haven't seen him since that day and while there's parts of me that seem to be saddened by the idea that I may never see him again, the rest of me can feel how beneficial it has been to my mental health to finally have that space. I know I will continue to wonder if he is happy and wish the ending had turned out differently but I hope the day where I can say with conviction it worked out for the highest good of all involved reaches me soon. For a long time it has felt like my heart has been so sad that it has made the rest of me sick, almost as if I have been a shadow of what I could be.

I know a new year doesn't really mean that anything changes in any real sense, but I do feel like the energy of everyone changes. That everyone is just a little more hopeful than usual, believing that maybe this is the year, this is when things will be different, and so they're a little more open, and try a little harder. I think if you can harness that energy in a productive way and change habits that detract from your goals, than you really can make it be the year that it all changes because we truly are the architects of our own lives, and the change we wish to see in our outward world, begins in our inward world.

A Prayer

Triggers to memories are such an interesting thing. Certain smells, or songs that can take you right back to a specific time in your life. But then there's all sorts of things that we associate with the people in our lives, but you don't recognize them too deeply until they're no longer in your life, whether that be a past love, old friend, or a loved one that has died.

Full moons always make me think about the man most of me wishes to forget at this point. Five years ago he made me a mix CD, titled Harvest Moon with the classic Neil Young song among the sixteen songs. He also gave it to me on the night of the Harvest Moon and I stared at that bright huge moon while I sat in my car and listened the first time through. It's honestly still the most thoughtful and romantic thing anyone has ever done for me.

The part about moving forward that I hate the most is the tendency to try and rewrite the past as if it was all a lie. That because things aren't what I wish them to be now, that it must mean it was never what I thought it was. I really don't want to do that though, I'd much rather leave the memories to be the special moments that they were and believe that whatever happened then was real then no matter the outcome now. I still waiver between feeling hurt, angry, and shame. The first two are easy to understand, the last is harder to integrate. I don't fully know how to make myself believe I'm not an idiot for having sincerely believed I was made to love him. I really did though. I truly felt that all my life experiences and my general nature prepared me well to love him deeply and for what a life with him would be like. Perhaps I wasn't wrong entirely, just wrong about the timeframe.

I haven't prayed in a long long time, I tried to a little in a church during my trip, but it just felt like I was talking to myself. But earlier today while driving home from work I really did pray to the powers that be to just help me let go and move forward with my life. I told them I hoped should I ever see him again that I could hug him, that I could show that I'm truly happy that he's happy, that it's ok I wasn't his choice, that I still believe him to be a good man and will care for him always.  I know I'm a little far away from truly feeling that way, but it's genuinely where I hope to land in regards to this whole mess. I don't like harboring hurt or anger, they take up too much space.

I'm really trying this whole dating thing again and I'm meeting such wonderful people even amidst the abundance of shitty people, but the emotional side of me still feels so fucking closed off. Patience has never been my strong suit but oh I swear I'm trying to really give things a chance. I know there's someone out there worth choosing that will choose me too.