Triggers to memories are such an interesting thing. Certain smells, or songs that can take you right back to a specific time in your life. But then there's all sorts of things that we associate with the people in our lives, but you don't recognize them too deeply until they're no longer in your life, whether that be a past love, old friend, or a loved one that has died.
Full moons always make me think about the man most of me wishes to forget at this point. Five years ago he made me a mix CD, titled Harvest Moon with the classic Neil Young song among the sixteen songs. He also gave it to me on the night of the Harvest Moon and I stared at that bright huge moon while I sat in my car and listened the first time through. It's honestly still the most thoughtful and romantic thing anyone has ever done for me.
The part about moving forward that I hate the most is the tendency to try and rewrite the past as if it was all a lie. That because things aren't what I wish them to be now, that it must mean it was never what I thought it was. I really don't want to do that though, I'd much rather leave the memories to be the special moments that they were and believe that whatever happened then was real then no matter the outcome now. I still waiver between feeling hurt, angry, and shame. The first two are easy to understand, the last is harder to integrate. I don't fully know how to make myself believe I'm not an idiot for having sincerely believed I was made to love him. I really did though. I truly felt that all my life experiences and my general nature prepared me well to love him deeply and for what a life with him would be like. Perhaps I wasn't wrong entirely, just wrong about the timeframe.
I haven't prayed in a long long time, I tried to a little in a church during my trip, but it just felt like I was talking to myself. But earlier today while driving home from work I really did pray to the powers that be to just help me let go and move forward with my life. I told them I hoped should I ever see him again that I could hug him, that I could show that I'm truly happy that he's happy, that it's ok I wasn't his choice, that I still believe him to be a good man and will care for him always. I know I'm a little far away from truly feeling that way, but it's genuinely where I hope to land in regards to this whole mess. I don't like harboring hurt or anger, they take up too much space.
I'm really trying this whole dating thing again and I'm meeting such wonderful people even amidst the abundance of shitty people, but the emotional side of me still feels so fucking closed off. Patience has never been my strong suit but oh I swear I'm trying to really give things a chance. I know there's someone out there worth choosing that will choose me too.
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