Today was a fucking rollercoaster. It was one of those days where my heart felt heavy and I could feel sadness lurking but I was in no mood to confront it... Everything I'm working on right now at work is super interesting to me and engaging and it feels so good to be back and I just want to be present, but as soon as I got into my car to drive home it was like the permission to let it pass through had been granted and I ugly cried on my commute home. I guess I really hadn't realized how much hope I still had for a certain version of the future and my tears weren't just sadness but anger. Anger at myself for recently lashing out at him because even though I do have anger towards him, I know that what I'm going through right now, this one's all on me, this is me causing my own heartbreak holding on to something that was never really much of anything substantial in the first place. Perhaps it's easier to hold on to situations like that sometimes, when so much of it has remained in the realm of the "what ifs"... it's easier to have this imagined version of how it could be when you have nothing real to ground yourself with.
I've never been good at letting go or giving up on people...but perhaps it's not the worst quality. Heartbroken me 11 years ago to the day actually now that I think about it cried herself to sleep and begged for relief and literally the next day had her first conversation with my ex-husband. And the boy I had been crying over is now a person I know I could count on if I really needed them and we regularly make plans to catch up and hang out and check in with each other, I mean we just had dinner last night. I would have never guessed we'd find ourselves in the space we're in now, but it means a whole lot to me to be able to have a meal with my first love and know we're genuinely out here rooting for each other's success and happiness.
So much has changed though since those naive days where I believed he'd be my one and only, but thank goodness some things haven't. When I got home I threw on sneakers and grabbed some left over sugar cookies my mother made for my birthday dinner party and headed to the hospital to meet the first born of a woman I've known since I was six years old. It's a wild thing to sit there and hold this beautiful tiny baby and look at your friend and her parents, faces you've known for almost as long as you have memories, and begin to catch glimpses of those faces in the little one in your arms. I think my favorite part though was watching my friend watch her husband interact with their baby and just seeing the love and adoration. It filled my sad heart right up and I'm so glad I was able to go.
The worst part about not being completely ok with the fact that I don't have a significant other is when that doubt I'll ever find what I'm looking for presents itself as jealousy when all I want is to be happy for my loved ones. I felt it last year when my sister's boyfriend joined the holiday celebrations but was so happy to notice that feeling wasn't there this year, and I felt it a bit when my friend sent a beautiful photo of her husband just staring at their baby earlier this week, but I didn't feel it tonight. I hope that means I'm growing, I hope that means I'm reaching a place where I really am just fine living this solo life of mine, well aside from Lady who started licking my hand as I typed that lol.
It's hard to admit to yourself you should have already let go of and gotten over something but I guess sometimes a hopeless dream feels safer than no dream... In this moment I'm not even really sure what I thought would eventually happen, that finally they'd magically see all the potential that I see and then there would be some magical grand gesture moment and then all of the hard of the situation would be absolved? I think perhaps there are some people you never stop caring about but that doesn't mean they still should have a seat at your table... That sometimes avoidance is your only option to give your heart a chance to forget and a shot at healing and there's nothing cowardly about needing that boundary. There was always this notion of a possible friendship, "that if I really cared, I could manage that". But I can't manage it even though parts of me sincerely wish I could, and I just need to finally and firmly accept this truth. Maybe in the distant future I'll be able to have a meal with this man and catch up and be able to genuinely wish him well, but that time certainly isn't now.
I think I need to do a better job at cutting myself some slack, that while yes nearly five years is a stupidly long time to be holding out for something, I cannot forget I was given hope on multiple occasions across the years and the longest stretch of zero communication may only be about 6 months. It takes longer than that to let go when they once told you they believed you were who they should have been looking for all along and you couldn't help but feel the same way.
Thursday, June 27, 2019
Sunday, June 23, 2019
I can still swim...
Well the last few days have been quite the whirlwind between going back to work, happy hours, birthday dinner parties, frisbee tryouts, fresh new cut, and a concert. It really is awesome to be home though and to have already managed to see so many of my favorite faces. I think above all, the trip gave me a new found appreciation for my life. I think this video is a good snap of how much I love my Lady and my life at the moment.
Last night I saw Dido with a girl from high school I hadn't seen in maybe a decade but we had a great time and it was fun to catch up and learn we had a lot to talk about. She may not have gotten married and divorced, but was in something for 10 years, so she very much understands that feeling of having to reset and reimagine your future and how lonely that can sometimes be especially as your entire peer group has already coupled up and has moved on to babies. I ended up saying something to her off the cuff that I think I honestly needed to hear as well, funny how that can happen in life... But I said if you really think about it, most relationships end for two key reasons. Either they think someone else out there could love them better, or they think someone could love you better than they can (and obviously vice versa, but this was in the context of having lost someone you didn't want to...) Bottom line it's that lack of true mutuality, and at the end of the day wouldn't you rather be on even footing with someone, so if a discrepancy is revealed it's most definitely for the best to move forward.
It definitely sucks though to feel like you have been nothing more than a band aid for someone's ego, especially when you formed real feelings for them, but I think we've all been on the other side of that situation. We all know you often care deeply about someone even though you never get to the part of being in love with them. Hopefully as you work through this iterative process of finding a suitable partner you get more honest and upfront in the very beginning with yourself and others and you don't wind up in a situation where one party or the other winds up horribly lead on. At a good college friend's wedding recently during a slow dance I said to a buddy of mine who was also dateless that I think one of the easiest ways to quickly determine if someone is a good match for you is to ask yourself if you'd go to them for life advice. Because the people we look to for advice are those we respect and trust and if you don't feel that way about your significant other, well IMO that's not a very healthy or fulfilling relationship.
I felt pretty jaded about relationships before my trip because early on this year I thought I'd finally met someone with potential who was a genuinely good person and we shared many interests. But other than really liking him and thinking highly of him, I didn't feel much of anything, and it made me wonder well fuck if that's how I am now even with someone as great as that, perhaps I've closed myself off more than I thought. But I think the trip made me realize I really just hadn't let go of a future I really wanted. I think that saying about how holding on to the past keeps us from the present is very accurate. It can be hard to see what you deserve when you've decided what you want. I think all the things that are meant for us, especially relationships, don't come from convincing and forcing. I think the best things happen when you just accept the ebb and flow of your life knowing you're gonna keep floating down the river no matter if someone else is in your boat or not. That while maybe you move faster and are a bit more stable through rough waters with another paddling, you're still gonna make it through on your own just fine, and if you fall out, well luckily you can swim.
I'm obsessed with my hair.
Last night I saw Dido with a girl from high school I hadn't seen in maybe a decade but we had a great time and it was fun to catch up and learn we had a lot to talk about. She may not have gotten married and divorced, but was in something for 10 years, so she very much understands that feeling of having to reset and reimagine your future and how lonely that can sometimes be especially as your entire peer group has already coupled up and has moved on to babies. I ended up saying something to her off the cuff that I think I honestly needed to hear as well, funny how that can happen in life... But I said if you really think about it, most relationships end for two key reasons. Either they think someone else out there could love them better, or they think someone could love you better than they can (and obviously vice versa, but this was in the context of having lost someone you didn't want to...) Bottom line it's that lack of true mutuality, and at the end of the day wouldn't you rather be on even footing with someone, so if a discrepancy is revealed it's most definitely for the best to move forward.
It definitely sucks though to feel like you have been nothing more than a band aid for someone's ego, especially when you formed real feelings for them, but I think we've all been on the other side of that situation. We all know you often care deeply about someone even though you never get to the part of being in love with them. Hopefully as you work through this iterative process of finding a suitable partner you get more honest and upfront in the very beginning with yourself and others and you don't wind up in a situation where one party or the other winds up horribly lead on. At a good college friend's wedding recently during a slow dance I said to a buddy of mine who was also dateless that I think one of the easiest ways to quickly determine if someone is a good match for you is to ask yourself if you'd go to them for life advice. Because the people we look to for advice are those we respect and trust and if you don't feel that way about your significant other, well IMO that's not a very healthy or fulfilling relationship.
I felt pretty jaded about relationships before my trip because early on this year I thought I'd finally met someone with potential who was a genuinely good person and we shared many interests. But other than really liking him and thinking highly of him, I didn't feel much of anything, and it made me wonder well fuck if that's how I am now even with someone as great as that, perhaps I've closed myself off more than I thought. But I think the trip made me realize I really just hadn't let go of a future I really wanted. I think that saying about how holding on to the past keeps us from the present is very accurate. It can be hard to see what you deserve when you've decided what you want. I think all the things that are meant for us, especially relationships, don't come from convincing and forcing. I think the best things happen when you just accept the ebb and flow of your life knowing you're gonna keep floating down the river no matter if someone else is in your boat or not. That while maybe you move faster and are a bit more stable through rough waters with another paddling, you're still gonna make it through on your own just fine, and if you fall out, well luckily you can swim.
Tuesday, June 18, 2019
Day 20, 21, & 22 - Madrid
It's hard to believe this is my last night of this trip. My flight tomorrow is in the evening so I will have the opportunity to do a bit more exploring before having to head to the airport. It's been really nice being with my Dad and Linda. While it's great to have the freedom to do whatever you want whenever, making all the decisions all of the time does get a bit taxing. I've enjoyed going with the flow of their suggestions for sure. However my favorite part so far about having travel companions is the extra food I get to try 😍.
So yesterday after I got in and checked in, we went out for food and a little bit of walking.
This place for dinner was SMALL and the height of the tables wasn't particularly suited for tall people...
After dinner we did some walking and stopped in this Market that we decided would be good for lunch the next day. Can you imagine how big the whole fish was???!
They had this massive book fair going on in the park, it went on for miles.
The room came with a robe and had a tub! I really need to make sure when I'm ready to move on from my little studio my next place has a tub, baths are fantastic.
So today we did a free walking tour of some of the older parts of Madrid and our tour guide Angel was great. He has a bachelor's in history that he obtained in Scotland, so his English, has a Scottish accent mixed with a Spanish one when it came to the R's, it was actually rather enjoyable to listen to. He's currently in the early phases of becoming a police officer. He has three years of studying and physical tests he has to pass before being admitted to the academy. Then he'll have 9 months of formal training, then a probationary period for a year, then in it for life if he so chooses. What a stark difference...the tour was super informative and I definitely learned a lot, but was so engrossed I didn't really take too many photos.
Quick and delicious breakfast before we headed to the meet up point for the tour.
I loved the story behind this statue, it was for the king of Spain that referred to himself as the king of the planet because at the time, Spain's empire was expansive and between inheritances and territories they really did control something on all the continents. So this guy wanted to have a statue that had never existed before. A statue in "motion" like this, didn't exist prior, and the sculpture failed many times with it eventually buckling and breaking. So he sought the help of Galileo, and together they designed it for all the weight to be in the tail to work as an anchor and counter balance and made the rest of it hollow. Eventually sculptors would use rebar to reinforce elements like this. Additionally, since this was to be a public statue, the King had the artist redo his face at least 5 times before he was satisfied. The sculptor had to keep cutting off the head and redoing it and coming back lol.
After lunch we headed back to the hotel for a siesta and then to the Prado which is free from 6-8 in the summer. This was very much worth waiting in the long line to get in. Really enjoyed the pieces we saw here and highly recommend a visit. After a long day of walking we were all very ready for dinner, and found this gem of a place with delicious Sangria and every plate of food we ordered was top notch.
They had legs of meat like this ALL over Madrid.
I was definitely pooped by the end of this day. I really should have packed buuuut left it for this morning.
So for my last day of exploring we checked out the Cathedral and the crypt. The view of the palace from the cathedral was worth the 6€ honestly, and the crypt was free and absolutely gorgeous.
After being stuff from lunch we walked to the botanical gardens, which were also free and just enjoyed the shade. The sun in Madrid is FIERCE.
Welp I'm at the airport now waiting to board, hard to believe I'd ever feel this way, but I'm ready for vacation to be over, I'm ready to be home and get back to my life that while I always knew was a good one, I'm just a little bit more in love with it after this experience. The rest of this week will be hectic but I honestly wouldn't expect anything less from me. First day back at work tomorrow, a happy hour on Thursday for my best friend who is moving 😭, birthday dinner on Friday with grad school friends and a few other close friends followed with dancing, Saturday I'm seeing Dido (it's not often you realize you share an experience with an artist and their songs truly speak to you, but I truly feel this way with her) and I gotta figure out who's joining me, and then Sunday dinner with my folks. I'm glad I can sleep on flights, I'm going to need all the rest I can get.
So yesterday after I got in and checked in, we went out for food and a little bit of walking.
Dad hooked me up with a nice room, had initially booked a room in a hostel.
This place for dinner was SMALL and the height of the tables wasn't particularly suited for tall people...
Had to try the local cider, it was very good.
The food here was great. Tuna on peppers.
Ham croquettes, these were basically creamy mashed potatoes. So delicious.
Salted peppers.
Just cheese on bread, cuz why not.
Mushroom with a bit of ham in the middle.
After dinner we did some walking and stopped in this Market that we decided would be good for lunch the next day. Can you imagine how big the whole fish was???!
Old school mail slots. Not a great picture of their size, but these were pretty big.
They had this massive book fair going on in the park, it went on for miles.
The room came with a robe and had a tub! I really need to make sure when I'm ready to move on from my little studio my next place has a tub, baths are fantastic.
So today we did a free walking tour of some of the older parts of Madrid and our tour guide Angel was great. He has a bachelor's in history that he obtained in Scotland, so his English, has a Scottish accent mixed with a Spanish one when it came to the R's, it was actually rather enjoyable to listen to. He's currently in the early phases of becoming a police officer. He has three years of studying and physical tests he has to pass before being admitted to the academy. Then he'll have 9 months of formal training, then a probationary period for a year, then in it for life if he so chooses. What a stark difference...the tour was super informative and I definitely learned a lot, but was so engrossed I didn't really take too many photos.
Quick and delicious breakfast before we headed to the meet up point for the tour.
I loved the story behind this statue, it was for the king of Spain that referred to himself as the king of the planet because at the time, Spain's empire was expansive and between inheritances and territories they really did control something on all the continents. So this guy wanted to have a statue that had never existed before. A statue in "motion" like this, didn't exist prior, and the sculpture failed many times with it eventually buckling and breaking. So he sought the help of Galileo, and together they designed it for all the weight to be in the tail to work as an anchor and counter balance and made the rest of it hollow. Eventually sculptors would use rebar to reinforce elements like this. Additionally, since this was to be a public statue, the King had the artist redo his face at least 5 times before he was satisfied. The sculptor had to keep cutting off the head and redoing it and coming back lol.
Unfortunately this market ended up being over priced and the food wasn't anything impressive, but it was cool to walk around.
After lunch we headed back to the hotel for a siesta and then to the Prado which is free from 6-8 in the summer. This was very much worth waiting in the long line to get in. Really enjoyed the pieces we saw here and highly recommend a visit. After a long day of walking we were all very ready for dinner, and found this gem of a place with delicious Sangria and every plate of food we ordered was top notch.
They had legs of meat like this ALL over Madrid.
Burrata, sun dried tomatoes, olives, spinach and honey. I will 100% attempt to make this at home.
Fried eggplant and an Alfredo like cheese dip.
SHRIMP!
Flan, it was really good.
I was definitely pooped by the end of this day. I really should have packed buuuut left it for this morning.
So for my last day of exploring we checked out the Cathedral and the crypt. The view of the palace from the cathedral was worth the 6€ honestly, and the crypt was free and absolutely gorgeous.
When we got to the top of the dome, we had a little snack of these cream filled pastries that were so delicious.
I didn't end up taking any photos in the crypt but there was some seriously impressive tile work down there. We also noticed very recent graves and wondered just how expensive it was to be buried there. From here we headed to lunch and I got to have some Paella with seafood and we believe my main dish was swordfish. However Linda's meatballs were the best.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)