I'm obsessed with my hair.
Last night I saw Dido with a girl from high school I hadn't seen in maybe a decade but we had a great time and it was fun to catch up and learn we had a lot to talk about. She may not have gotten married and divorced, but was in something for 10 years, so she very much understands that feeling of having to reset and reimagine your future and how lonely that can sometimes be especially as your entire peer group has already coupled up and has moved on to babies. I ended up saying something to her off the cuff that I think I honestly needed to hear as well, funny how that can happen in life... But I said if you really think about it, most relationships end for two key reasons. Either they think someone else out there could love them better, or they think someone could love you better than they can (and obviously vice versa, but this was in the context of having lost someone you didn't want to...) Bottom line it's that lack of true mutuality, and at the end of the day wouldn't you rather be on even footing with someone, so if a discrepancy is revealed it's most definitely for the best to move forward.
It definitely sucks though to feel like you have been nothing more than a band aid for someone's ego, especially when you formed real feelings for them, but I think we've all been on the other side of that situation. We all know you often care deeply about someone even though you never get to the part of being in love with them. Hopefully as you work through this iterative process of finding a suitable partner you get more honest and upfront in the very beginning with yourself and others and you don't wind up in a situation where one party or the other winds up horribly lead on. At a good college friend's wedding recently during a slow dance I said to a buddy of mine who was also dateless that I think one of the easiest ways to quickly determine if someone is a good match for you is to ask yourself if you'd go to them for life advice. Because the people we look to for advice are those we respect and trust and if you don't feel that way about your significant other, well IMO that's not a very healthy or fulfilling relationship.
I felt pretty jaded about relationships before my trip because early on this year I thought I'd finally met someone with potential who was a genuinely good person and we shared many interests. But other than really liking him and thinking highly of him, I didn't feel much of anything, and it made me wonder well fuck if that's how I am now even with someone as great as that, perhaps I've closed myself off more than I thought. But I think the trip made me realize I really just hadn't let go of a future I really wanted. I think that saying about how holding on to the past keeps us from the present is very accurate. It can be hard to see what you deserve when you've decided what you want. I think all the things that are meant for us, especially relationships, don't come from convincing and forcing. I think the best things happen when you just accept the ebb and flow of your life knowing you're gonna keep floating down the river no matter if someone else is in your boat or not. That while maybe you move faster and are a bit more stable through rough waters with another paddling, you're still gonna make it through on your own just fine, and if you fall out, well luckily you can swim.
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