I was really sad today, like full body sobs during my drive home to MD. I haven't cried like that in a while and even now it's hard to fully capture all the reasons why my heart hurt so much.
I had a really nice but busy weekend, but it was even better to not be at the apartment worrying about having to interact with Champlain. I officially reached my limit and I'm actively apartment hunting.
Saturday night was an awesome family BBQ at my now aunt and uncle's at the beach house I've been going to since I was a child which felt healing. Especially seeing my cousin be a dad in person for the first time. I really enjoyed learning the story of how my aunt and uncle met, honestly this age in general has been filled with learning so much about the adults in my life and getting to know them as people. Sunday I went to a BBQ with Burdman at his friend's house and that was a lot of fun. There was some drama but every group of people that have known each other for a long time have their dynamics. I genuinely enjoyed myself and definitely loved that Burdman wanted me there, it felt like an important milestone in our friendship. It also opened my eyes to additional reasons why he's so skeptical about marriages and love... Most of the couples at the gathering I didn't really leave with the impression they were particularly in love and on the same page about their relationship. Made me wonder too about just how prevalent settling and making the best of what you're "stuck" with truly is.
Yesterday I started the morning off running some errands and then met up with Density for a walk along a trail in the Wissahickon and it was really nice catching up. I miss seeing him regularly, there were a few years there where we saw each other weekly and he was someone I always knew had my best interests at heart, would be supportive, and has never hurt me. It honestly feels like I could comfortably say he never will and I feel lucky to know him and I hope he finds someone worthy. Once I wrapped up with him I headed over to my former coworkers' new house they just bought together! Their relationship has definitely progressed quickly but I'm not surprised. I was so eager to not come home that I ended up just helping unpack the kitchen and living room and told myself I'd have dinner and leave. Welp the two of them and their other friend were drinking and smoking and eventually I just said fuck it, texted Champlain to let him know I'd be gone another night, and then took like three shots pretty quickly after each other to catch up lol I kept passing on the weed repeatedly but my girlfriend that was in New Orleans with me kept hyping up how sensitive I am to it and eventually I just gave in. I took ONE drag. I honestly think I'm becoming more sensitive?? But the high was milder perhaps? Idk definitely rejoined the same delusion but I never really zoned out of what was happening in front of me the same way I have in the past. Instead I was having super intense conversations with their friend that made dinner that I never even got to eat lol He really reminded me of my friend from high school who I had the biggest crush on and I definitely need to reach out and check in on him. We talked about mostly random shit, but I vividly remember talking about DMT the god molecule and how it's something found everywhere in nature and in our brains and that it's emitted when we're born and when we die which of course fed my belief it was the end of the world lol At one point there was definitely some video discussing what our reality actually is and how time folds in on itself? It all made sense at the time but I'm struggling right now to actually put it all together the experience once again reiterated connectedness, source, that we're spiritual beings experiencing humanity. I know previous excursions I got this feeling that I was the last one, that everyone was watching and waiting on me to just figure it out, but then I kept getting this feeling about being the original. But the original what? Like I know I call myself and my two full siblings the originals. At the end I started to wonder if maybe I've been learning from everyone else this whole time but I've never actually taken the full leap into truly living for the present. I've just always been so stuck on the past or caught up in planning the future. I keep discounting my now when it's literally the only thing that actually exists.
It felt like some of the spokes of the web of all the people I'm connected to have contracted further, that my core group is becoming more defined, but I still have some stragglers, people I love that feel too far away and out of reach. Apparently my friends recently went golfing with the man and another former coworker and turns out neither of them are satisfied with their sex lives. He's not having much and she has faked every orgasm she's ever "had". Learning about her abusive past relationship and the trauma she's still enduring on top of not feeling desired made my heart hurt for her, because she's exceptional and deserves so much more than that. However hearing that the man might not actually be happy like he told me he is, made me cry, like immediately. I don't think I knew just how tightly I was holding on to that belief that as long as he's happy, I can find peace in how our situation played out. I just don't understand why he's choosing to stay in that version of his life, why he doesn't want to push forward into a better reality, and I'm not even thinking about one with me, but just one where he doesn't have to forego the kind of pleasure we all should be able to indulge in, like I genuinely believe we're supposed to. If you're not having sex with your romantic partner, at best you're actually just friends, but more than likely you're not even really that and just fucking resent each other.
When I got to my dad's today I immediately bursted into tears after telling him I just really needed a hug from my dad. Like I cried in the car when I realized that's what I wanted and that's who I wanted to see because it hasn't been my dad since I was a kid. This whole seeing each other weekly has really allowed for some healing. Last week he was being a real dick about Christmas Eve and I know he got the short end of the stick when we were growing up, but he did that to himself. He continued to let his ex wives dictate his life and always acquiesced mostly out of guilt with my mother and then I think default with my step mom but on my car ride home I also realized another motivator for him. He never wanted to be responsible for unnecessarily keeping us from having time and memories with our mothers because that's all he's wanted since his mom died, more time with her. But I wish he understood that I needed him, that he was my anchor parent and it really fucked me up when he left and how hurtful it was when he chose his gf over me when I was 21... And I guess I realized today that even though I've spent the better half of a decade making sure I didn't need him for anything I needed him today. I needed him to hold me while I cried and attempted to ask him why people stay where they aren't celebrated, why people settle, that everyone deserves to be loved and I'm so sad for all my friends that haven't experienced it truly. His girlfriend actually said something that really resonated, she said that not everyone is emotionally ready to be in a loving relationship. Definitely made me think about the man. I wish so badly to understand his choices and why so much of me still wishes he chose me.
