Almost

The stupid man is "celebrating" eleven years of marriage and I'm sitting on my day bed eating a lot of cheese, drinking a bottle of Moscato like I'm still in college and binging new girl LOL

It's been nine years since I left my marriage, which means it's almost been nine years that I've been in love with someone that I'm never gonna have a life with. That's pretty fucking pathetic but that nonsense aside I found a new place!!!

I honestly didn't fully recognize just how much the current situation has been tanking my mental health but as soon as I decided to find a new place such a weight lifted. The process has been stressful as fuck and last week I was feeling exasperated and then all a sudden a new place popped up on Zillow. It didn't even have photos uploaded yet but I loved the description. I immediately applied and she showed me the place the next day. It honestly feels like I manifested it. Last year when I was talking to my sister about how much I wanted my own place and told her that I wanted a place with a front porch for a rocking chair, a fire place to read by, a backyard to garden, and a quiet location. This place literally has ALL of this! It's this super cute stone cottage from the 1800s and I might be moving as soon as next weekend!

I'm so pumped to live alone again. It's going to be amazing. At this moment I don't even care how fucking single and horny I am. It's been since February since anyone has touched me and me of years ago would be appalled. She'd be on the apps or would have taken up any of the various offers I've already received when me being single came up. I'm frankly not interested in sharing my energy with anyone that doesn't deserve it, the idea of a ONS is just completely off putting. I'm still not even thinking about dating but I'm definitely going to have to genuinely think about what my new boundaries will be and what it means exactly for someone to be worth sharing my body with them. I've never really thought about my body as something to protect, it was always something to leverage to get the affection I was after. Definitely sad to acknowledge that but truthful and honestly the degree of disassociation I've had with my body is probably a big reason why the rape didn't destroy my desire to have sex. I still don't like talking about it...that's an experience I would rather forget entirely but I do get flashes back to it sometimes. 

I'm grateful that this current situation won't last much longer, still annoyed with myself that I got myself into it in the first place let alone for this long... But I was so tired of being alone. It was really nice having a person but I don't want just companionship. I wanna be stupidly in love can't keep my hands off them again. Someday.