Disappointed

I'm home alone after a very stressful week and I'm struggling to remind myself why there are certain people that you just can't have in your life when things don't work out the way you hoped. I so badly want to text the man I spent so many years loving and pining over and wishing for a future with "Happy Birthday! Hope you have a great time celebrating with your family" because so much of me still wishes we never fucked over a genuine friendship I've never been able to replicate. But I can't and I won't because I don't know him anymore. 

I wish that shit didn't bother me at all but somehow it still does. I think it just will never sit right that I don't know someone I care so much about. I still don't understand that particular chapter of my life and it's not feeling like I ever will. I'm just so grateful that thinking about it no longer makes my heart hurt, just so disappointed.