Reckless

Well the hyper fixation on TTPD finally lifted enough for me to check out the new St. Vincent album, I had every intention of listening the day it dropped, but accommodating a last minute trip to NOLA because Buddha was experiencing suicidal ideation, I had more important things to focus on. But damn, I've only listened once through and currently just put Reckless on for a second listen cuz it was the one that stood out the most to me, but looking forward to really getting to know the rest of it. Annie Clark makes the kind of music Taylor Swift could only ever dream of making. Taylor does an amazing job of capturing specific kinds of emotions with lyrics that paint vivid images, and while the music is enjoyable and catchy, there's never really anything all that impressive. St. Vincent is immersive in a way that is hard to explain but I'm definitely going to make a point to see her on tour for this album.  This is definitely the best part of being fully remote, I am BLASTING this album right now and getting pumped to dive into some modeling work for a nuclear power plant. I'm sure I'll have more thoughts as I get further acquainted but there's something so special about an album you can listen all the way through, no skips. But these lines from Reckless "And every part of you is in me now, there's no going back, I breath you out" and this magnificent bridge "I've been mourning you since the day I met you" just are resonating. All the re-reading of my old blog entries and the wonder if the reader is the man has me remembering the reckless energy that relationship brings out of me. There's still parts of me that would dive right back into that maelstrom without hesitation and that's a bit worrisome. I think I hoped at some point I would grow and mature enough that none of that would be appealing, but I think I have become a bit comfortably numb if you will. I have forgotten what it's like to feel connected to someone and so I've been perseverating on the strongest and most intense connection I've ever had and I need to stop. If I keep idolizing this idea of what I think I've been after I will miss the reality of my present. I'm really hoping the desire to date and putting myself out there comes back sooner than later. 

We had my cousin's confirmation yesterday and I saw a lot of the family on my dad's side for the first time in a while. My one aunt had seen the video I posted of surprising my mom with Taylor Swift tickets and told me she thought I had told her that I was pregnant. And out slipped my mouth "Oh no, I wish, but no" and ugh what a gut punch, cuz I was being honest. I had just met my cousin's newborn earlier that day and held her for a long time and she just melted into my chest and had that perfect baby smell and that familiar ache I've been experiencing since my late twenties surfaced once again. My soul longs to be a mother and I get more afraid with every year that passes that I never will be. I always soothe myself by saying I will adopt should a family never happen organically, and I know I will, but it doesn't do much to ease the sadness I feel about it all. I've been divorced nine years now, and it'll be ten years since I left my Sailor in July and while I've done a lot of living across these years, sometimes I'm really not sure how much progress and growth in my ability to have a healthy long term commitment I've really made. I'm feeling a bit stir crazy lately and just a bit desperate to feel something again. I think I gotta get my butt back into regular therapy again :( 

While the time between my Sailor and Champlain I consider myself to have been mostly single since I was never in a serious relationship across that time, there were always men that I was dating or talking to for almost that entire time. Even those ten months between the third and final round with the man even though I was celibate for six months, there were still always these men chatting me up and trying to date me. With the matchmaker service there was no chatting ahead of a date, and only one of them did I see more than once. Like over the past year, I have only experienced flirty banter like twice and it was with Gray. I am in a romantic rut and I gotta do something to get the fuck out of it. I wish I knew what.