Right now I'm ridiculously busy at work I haven't had much time to think in the last few weeks, and honestly I'm a bit grateful for that, especially on a day like today. I'm usually super low on this day because it's a day five years ago I still consider to be the worst day of my life. Most of me hopes it continues to be that, but I'm sure there are harder ones ahead and hopefully I'll continue to bring stability and structure to my life so that when those days come, while they may feel devastating, I'm hopeful they won't destroy me. I quite literally have never felt more defeated by life than I did at the end of this day.
They say bad things come in threes and I have to agree. The day started off with a flooded basement due to a broken hot water heater resulting in me having to drop the dog off at day care, run to my folks for a shower, and get to work a little before noon when I had a major deadline that day. It was already going to be a shit day, it was the first time I was going to see my ex-husband since leaving him. We were supposed to be meeting at my therapist's office to have a mediation session, discuss steps forward and what not. Well I was trying to wrap things up at work and ended up asking my ex to grab the dog for me and that I would meet him at my townhouse to drop the dog off and then head to the session together. We let the dog in, I quickly put his food in his bowl, and I remember asking him how long of a walk he'd been on cuz he was panting, but my ex waved off my concern telling me we were going to be late. So off we go to the most heart-breaking, excruciatingly frustrating therapy session of my entire life. Even then, even when there was no point, he never took responsibility for how things played out. It was still all on me, all my fault, it was me who had something wrong with them that I just couldn't be happy, and then he had the audacity to try and hold my hand on the car ride back. I don't think that man was ever grounded in reality.
We get back to the townhouse and I immediately notice the pup hasn't eaten any of his food when usually he eats like I've never fed him. Again I ask how long of a walk he took him on cuz he's passed out, but as I get closer I realize he's not passed out. His tongue is bright purple hanging out of his mouth and there's a weird foam coming out and its around his head. I start to scream for my ex to call for help that something is wrong as I try to figure out if my puppy is still breathing. Eventually all I can mutter is the word "no" over and over again between the uncontrollable sobs until my ex forcibly pulls me away and tells me there's nothing to be done, that he's called my mother and it's time for me to go upstairs. He takes me upstairs to my room as I'm still crying and we embrace and fall to the ground together cuz we literally have just lost our baby, but he completely misreads the situation and starts to take my dress off which causes me to slap his hands away, and he refers to himself as my husband that he can help me change, and I tell him you may be legally, but you are nothing to me anymore get the fuck out of my room. While I'm changing upstairs his best friend gets there and I hear them rummaging around downstairs and then eventually my mom arrives. She heads straight up stairs and while I've still been crying, seeing her makes me completely breakdown. We head downstairs and my ex and his friend have taken the dog and all of his things from my townhouse and headed to the Vet. I start whimpering to my mother about how I have to go back to work, that I haven't finished what I was working on, that it was important. She tells me I'm not going there alone, and drives me to my office, comes in with me and reads a book in an empty cubicle. Finally she takes me home to her house, and a little after midnight makes me a BLT sandwich since I never ate dinner.
To this day I have no idea what happened to my pup...my ex didn't have them perform an autopsy and had him cremated and let his parents keep the ashes which I didn't find out until months later. That pup had been the source of many headaches across the year I had him, but most were really due to in-laws who didn't listen when it came to how to care for him, or a husband who wouldn't be firm with his mother because he didn't want to hurt her feelings. When we had been at the height of our fights, many including the dog, my ex told me to find him a new home, that clearly it was too much for me (as per usual, finding a way to make me feel like it was all my fault) and so I had sincerely looked into that. But eventually I had kicked my non-paying sister in law out of the townhouse, distanced myself from his family, and eventually left him, and when it was just me and the dog, well shit man, things were way better and I remember sitting on my couch with the dog on my lap writing in my journal at the time, and being so surprised at all that had changed, but here he still was and how grateful I was.
Losing an animal that you love, is really fucking hard because while the loss of family is often devastating as well, often times it's not a person you actually live with, and see day in and day out. That fatty fur ball drove across the country with me and was a constant in my life during a year of immense growth and his absence was overpowering at times. While I often miss him, for the most part I can recognize the blessing in disguise that was his passing, because it really did grant me a clean slate. There is nothing tying me to that chapter of my life and I am forever grateful for that. I really don't think I would have accomplished all that I have these last five years if I'd still been a dog mom.
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