Just trying to capture the year of turning 30. The adventure, the pain, the growth, the healing, and ALL the love.

Friday, August 16, 2019

The Dance

I decided when I got back from my trip that I was going to be more intentional with trying to date. I got back on my OkC profile and recently downloaded Hinge. Have actually gone on two dates which is exciting but I've been quickly reminded that dating can often bring anxiety with it. Overall my typical experience over the last five years has basically been 69% of dudes make it sexual right off the bat and basically become their own cock block... 30% decide they're in love with me after a first date and want too much too quickly and it freaks me out, and then 1% I'm genuinely into but either they haven't actually been emotionally available or they just aren't into me. It's really a demoralizing process...

There's always this dance of how blunt and honest to be early on, how much attention to give, how much to expect, while at the same time not wanting to waste my time or someone else's but still being hopeful of a connection. Not knowing how honest to be about going on dates with others if you've started to see someone but it's not a committed thing yet. I don't like lying but how much do you really owe someone you barely know? But it's also the whole not wanting them to think you're no longer interested, cuz that's not necessarily the case it just seems so silly to me these days, to jump all in on something and shut down everything else, but at the same time can you give someone a fair shot if you're distracted by others? The way it tends to happen every time I've decided to date again is that I'll get like five guys I've been on more than two dates with and I slowly decide who I want to spend more time with, then end up with one, we start to date, and so far by about the third month, it becomes clear there's no future...

Sometimes it's been a mutual realization, which is nice, no hard feelings. Other times it's been really painful to tell someone I've grown to care about and I know cares about me that I'm never going to love them in the way that they want me too. What I learned in my marriage though is that it's really important to recognize that sometimes we can love someone for how much they love us, but not actually love them for who they are...getting married before I actually knew myself or what's truly important to me was my biggest mistake, but I think the things I learned from that relationship are invaluable as well as all the other things I've picked up throughout the rest of my twenties.

I think it's not a bad idea to try and list out some of the key things I've learned, a nice way to recenter myself as I begin evaluating the people that I'm meeting...

1. Wanting to be friends regardless of a romantic interest is a great indicator that you respect someone and think highly of them. All good things to have when the goal is a lasting and healthy relationship because generally you'll have shared interests you can explore together and strengthen your bond.

2. Recognize that when you bring someone into your life, you're opening yourself up to their circle as well. If you can't be yourself around their chosen family, that doesn't bode well for longevity because that can often indicate there is a key factor of your partner that doesn't align with you.

3. A partner that has a full life in their own right that their content with is someone who has done the inner work to be self sustaining. While we all experience lows and need to rely on our network, someone who hasn't figured out how to be happy on their own will consistently drain you, and that's not sustainable. It is impossible for one person to meet all of your emotional needs. No one deserves to have that expected of them.

4. If you would never ask this person for life advice, you don't view them as an equal and if a partnership is your goal, you gotta feel like you're on the same level.

5. Having a complimentary sense of humor is SUPER important. Being able to laugh together is key to surviving the hard that inevitably lands on your doorstep.

6. Sharing similar morals and values not only impacts what you deem important i.e. typically how you'll agree where to spend your money, your time, and your energy, if you choose to have children, you have to be on the same page to provide those kids with stability and consistency.

7. Someone who is close with their family shows they believe family is important. But it's also important they've established healthy boundaries and there isn't a codependency because you will never come between those kinds of relationships and oftentimes that means you will have intrusive in-laws that will not respect your own rules for your life with your SO or raising your potential children.

8. If you find yourself saying "things will be better when this changes" make sure you're not holding out for someone to change, because unless they want to, people for the most part do not change. There's a difference between remaining optimistic through a difficult circumstance that is temporary, and continually excusing a behavior that clearly doesn't sit well with you.

9. No one is perfect, we are all human and we all make mistakes, all enduring relationships require forgiveness. However if someone says sorry yet doesn't learn from the experience and repeats the hurtful behavior, they're not actually sorry. The adage of "actions speak louder than words" holds true.

10. Love languages and communication styles are important to understand in all relationships but particularly romantic ones. No one is a mind reader, being able to clearly state your needs and your feelings is important. Also understanding that your partner may not receive love the same way you do is imperative in making sure your efforts at showing you care are effective.

11. Comparison is the death of joy which goes hand in hand with my current phrase of obsession "expectations are the blueprints for disappointment".  This doesn't mean you don't have standards, it just means you cannot create expectations based on someone else's life you see the high light reel of on social media because that isn't reality. Having expectations that aren't grounded in reality will always lead to disappointment and cause your partner to feel like no matter what they do, they can never make you happy and that's a lose lose for everyone.

I think these days I have a good idea of the type of person I'm holding out for, but I know the core of it all, is that I'm just after true mutuality. I hope I luck into that soon, it's been a long time since I've had a person to dream about the future with.

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