It's crazy two months ago today I was just starting my trip. This summer is going by so quickly and I'm not sure how I feel about it. I'm not even sure how I feel right now to be honest. It was a pretty great weekend, movie night with one of my best friends and planning a camping trip for labor day weekend, then Saturday with my other best friend who was in town from Denver, and then Sunday with my twin and sister. We got pedicures, saw Lion King, went to my twin's comedy show and ended the night with ice cream. Yet somehow today after a conversation that lead me to defend someone's character that has hurt me deeply...I spent the rest of the day in a weepy nostalgic state. I had such a hard time shaking it.
It really sucks missing someone you thoroughly enjoyed talking to...I keep wondering how much longer will I feel like this, how much longer will I miss someone that I no longer have any confidence that I ever really knew them. But perhaps that's the key to letting go... acknowledge that I miss an idea. I met up with a dude I'd met during grad school recently, it was really great to see him, we had a lot of fun, but the whole thing made me emotional and luckily we have enough of a friendship I found myself being brutally honest about my state of mind. I was almost thinking out loud when I told him it felt like I was so stuck on this situation because when it first started nearly five years ago now, it was the first time in my life where I had this feeling of home and being safe and how not experiencing that growing up, I'm sure that was super impactful. I told him I've been trying to ignore the parts of me that believe I'll never feel like this with anyone else by telling myself just because it was the first time, doesn't mean it will be the last time. And he responded "well yeah, if it happened once it can happen again", and I think I sincerely needed to hear that because I hadn't previously thought about it that way.
It can be so hard to be optimistic and hopeful when you're hurting, but I know I'm trying and perhaps that's enough.
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