Dang and just like that two weeks have gone by since I was in Madrid. I really can't believe the trip is now something I'm no longer looking forward to...but on to the next trip. I think what I learned above all was that what you experience in life is so much more dependent on your internal perspective than any thing else. If you believe that all of it is pointless and none of it matters, well than that's how it's going to feel. But if you believe that every moment you get is a gift worth being grateful for, well than that's how it's going to feel. It's super easy to feel grateful about where you're at in life when you're on vacation with beautiful scenery all around you. It's much harder when you're stuck in traffic or late at night when your thoughts can't stop looping on a person you miss. I've been trying to be more mindful about allowing myself to dwell in the negatives and as soon as I recognize I'm entertaining that realm of "woe is me" to instead find anything, even a really small thing to be grateful for. The more I do it the easier it gets and the things I find myself getting stupid happy about have now even made me laugh just adding to the happy, it's kind of ridiculous, but in the best way possible.
Like last night when I got home from an awesome softball win, I realized someone else must have been just as annoyed as I was that they removed the trash can right in front of my door when they updated them to solar powered composting and a separate recycling. The closest one for a few months has been across the street. But low and behold I walk around from the back lot to see a brand new one right in front of my door and exclaimed out loud with my hands in the air "Whaaaat??! I have a trash can again!?" Who gets genuinely excited about a trash can??! I started to laugh at myself and was still giggling as I picked up Lady for our usual greeting.
Yesterday was a great day to be honest, I mean it started off finding out I got a raise "for continually working above and beyond expectations" so can't beat that. Then after work I was able to have some one on one time with an old co-worker turned dear friend who is largely responsible for me having a job that I love. It was really nice to genuinely catch up and I was finally super honest about everything I've been going through the last few years after they shared some of their own struggles. For a long time I felt beholden to protect, to keep a lot of it to myself because much of what I was privy to wasn't public, but it's been my life too and I'm so done with secrets.
Even though a softball win will always be a favorite of mine, my true favorite part of yesterday was that it took until the late afternoon for me to realize that the 1st was once a day that meant a whole lot to me. It took Facebook memories for me to realize it was 11 years since my first date with my ex-husband. I'm still floored I forgot, I've got an impeccable memory, especially for dates, and Sunday night my only thought about the next day was how much I liked that the first was coinciding with a Monday. I gave that man six years of my life and now, unless directly prompted, I never think about him and I'm not sure I thought that would happen.
It honestly made me so jazzed to realize that something that substantial to my life really has started to become a blip. It made me think that this current heartache caused by a situation, I can't even fucking call it a relationship, that was on again off again and honestly never anything substantial should really be a piece of cake to let go of. It made me think, well fuck if I really just give myself the chance to forget instead of always holding out hope, always being so quick to forgive, always so willing to try, that I'm gonna be able to move forward from this much more quickly than I ever thought.
For the longest time I just couldn't stand the thought of giving up, and people close to me would say I need to let go, but giving up and letting go used to always seem synonymous to me. But I think I finally feel the difference. Giving up is what happens when you stop trying for something when there's still something to fight for, there's still another willing party. Letting go is acknowledging that there stopped being something to fight for, that you found yourself in a one-sided situation.
I let myself believe that just because this man made me feel things I'd never experienced before that nothing else would ultimately make me happy because I'd always be comparing to that. When I have a bad day, it's definitely hard to not believe that to be true, but on good days I can remember that just because someone is the first person to make you feel truly seen and understood doesn't mean they'll be the last.
Dating is harder now, because I know what I'm looking for and have no patience for those who don't. This past weekend I bailed on two different dates because finally I'm in this head space of knowing if I'm tired of meaningless I have to stop accepting it into my life. If I'm not super pumped and excited about a date well than it's not worth my energy, because my time and energy is the most important commodity I have and I'm done knowingly wasting it.
Thirty feels good is all I can say. Was able to make it to my frisbee game tonight when I no longer had to attend a night meeting and we won! Saw a bunch of faces I hadn't seen in a while and even though I had to run through the down pour to my car, I was smiling the whole way. I love that community and even though I know I've stepped back from my group of friends in the last year, I've found a way to start truly getting involved in the organization and volunteering my time and it feels really good.
Right now I am super pumped to help my twin move this weekend and just feel it in my bones that being able to have regular contact with him and repairing that bond is going to be transformative.
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