Perhaps it's best...timing matters and I still know we get what we accept. He can tell me to be patient, but how many years did I give to the man patiently waiting for him to deal with his life and make room for me and in the end he never chose me. Tomorrow marks five years of being legally divorced and I truly did believe I would have found what I've been searching for by now. I have met so many men across that time, most of them shitty, but there have been a handful that I cared deeply for, but I never could see a future, I only ever wanted one with the man. It doesn't seem like Shiloh is my future either, but it does feel like a small miracle that I wanted one. That feels like progress, and yet, yesterday I had a small meltdown. My twin's phone crapped out on him, and I have my old phone still, and I had plans for a social distance walk with the friend staring down a divorce in the city anyways. I knew I needed to restore the phone but it's also been the keeper of some of the last interactions with the man. Somehow the idea of it being gone forever gave me pause. I spent hours trying to figure out how to backup text message threads and then waiting through the process of gleaming it off and then trying to get them on my current phone to make sure it worked. It was anxiety inducing and when I tried to restore them to my current phone not everything came through but it was too late, I was already running late to meet up with my friend so I had to hit the reset button anyways.
It has been a long time since I've read through any of that and while waiting for it all to copy over I did go through some of it. I'm sure there is a part of me that feels attached to those tangible interactions because I've received such little acknowledgment from him that we mattered. Friday day I was chatting with Burdman and he admitted he hadn't participated in any virtual hangouts with people, lamenting he had no friends, and I found myself wishing I could have one with him and Buddah, and the man, but that's no longer a possibility in this life. I ended up video chatting with Buddah that night and shared this sentiment with her, and while I knew they had started following each other again on Instagram after I visited, I didn't know they were regularly chatting. She was like lets call him too! So I ended up re-downloading my Instagram so that we could all chat. It was actually really nice and a lot of fun, but I definitely did have those moments where I wished the man was a part of it too... Perhaps those feelings added to the anxiety I felt the next day about deleting our history. Earlier in the week I ended up googling him for the first time in a long time and learned that his grandmother passed at the end of last month. They were very close and it just reminded me that I have very little business being sad for myself right now while people are experiencing actual loss. In a previous life I would have reached out, but we are finally strangers and I know it's for the best we remain that way. The ending I wanted for the two of us, our someday, it's never coming and perhaps it's time I fully accept that. It still makes me really sad to say that, to acknowledge that there are still pieces of me hoping for it. It was bittersweet reading through our exchanges and I know I will miss how easy it always was to talk to the man for the rest of my life.
I have no idea why I keep finding myself in these situations with emotionally unavailable men, I'm sure a psychologist would say it relates to my father never being emotionally available to me or my siblings. We unknowingly seek out what we've been exposed to because in a fucked up way it's comfortable. Right now I truly don't know if I'll see Shiloh again before I move to Maryland and I'm not sure how I feel about it. Mostly I feel grateful that what could end up being our last night together was memorable. I was really feeling spring this past week and eager for summer even though it was rainy and cloudy the whole damn week. I kinda just decided I was gonna pretend anyways. When I got out of the shower I decided to put on a deep V flowy flowery sundress with nothing else on and started to make some banana bread. I was still in the process of making the dough when he got here and he just kinda watched me wide eyed flitting around the kitchen as I wrapped that up and started dinner. We ate and chatted and then I had a virtual happy hour with some old work friends and he joined in on the convo every now and then and served me some banana bread once it was finished. It came out so much better this time! Once the call was over and I could give him my undivided attention I approached him where he was sitting on the couch and leaned down to kiss him and mentioned I had nothing on underneath. He retorted that he had already noticed when we had embraced in the kitchen earlier on. He stood up to disrobe and when I asked if I should take off my dress, he said not yet. I hadn't fucked sitting on a couch since over a year ago at the sex club with the man and I had forgotten how hot that can be. A little while later I asked Shiloh his feelings on lingerie. I had ordered some back in February in preparation for a boudoir shoot I had scheduled for the end of March that was obviously cancelled, but I finally got around to doing a load of delicates and they were hanging on the drying rack. He admitted he'd never really been with anyone that wore it to which I responded well I guess it's only fair I model some for you. I ended up putting on this bra I got that is a red cup-less balconette. That thing is very fun, ample access to the girls while making them look fantastic and extra bouncy, super pleased with that purchase and the fact that it lead to round two.
Multiple rounds isn't really something I experience frequently and to this day it still boggles my mind that after being away in California for a week to pack up the apartment I once shared with my ex-husband, the man and I played hooky for the day and in the ten hours we spent together we managed to pull off five rounds. The next day he would tell his wife he'd been hanging out with me and that he wanted a divorce all without consulting me and I would end up encouraging him to give his marriage a shot if she was willing to try. I'm sure that fact has made it harder to understand now...the man was once willing to throw his life away to be with me, but then years later after she had cheated and refused to end it, ya know a very fucking valid reason to end a marriage and move forward with his life, he never did. He made various strides, gave me all sorts of hope for a chance at our someday, but in the end recommitted and now it's been a year since that choice was made. I very much feel like a broken record when it comes to this story and I don't know how to help myself, how to end this loop. I haven't seen my therapist since November and reached out to her last week, we have a phone session scheduled for Thursday. I guess I'm still struggling to make sense of it all, to understand what the fuck was the point of it. I still ask myself the same question I was asking back in 2015 when I first started therapy during grad school, "was it real?". The Burdman once told me, "It was real to you and that's all that matters. Be glad that it happened and move on with your life". When it first ended my lasting feeling was indeed gratefulness, I was grateful for feeling a love like that, where I felt like I was more than enough and that what I wanted out of a relationship wasn't too much. I really needed that after my failed marriage. Now though, after years of an off again on again bullshit the man really does feel like one of the worst things I've had to live through and it's super hard to access that gratefulness and super confusing to still miss someone that in the end didn't treat me very well. At this point I don't fucking know what closure means or what it looks like, I just know I'm bored of this story.
Time to wrap this entry up with some pics from quarantine and get my ass to bed.
Snuggles with Lady :)
Apparently my foot was a good place to nap LOL
Homemade pizza! Whole wheat thin crust with green peppers and onions.
On Earth day I watched a special in the background where there were all sorts of interviews with random people and streamed performances of songs put on by Zero Hour and Roger Waters performed! I bought tickets to see him this July which has already been cancelled and really hoping he'll decide to still tour once the craziness of this has lifted...
I made one of my favorite pasta salads earlier in the week, and I lovingly call it rainbow pasta cuz I do my best to include as many colors as possible. A red onion for the purple, carrots for orange, bell peppers for yellow and red, cucumber for green and then ya just mix it with a bunch of Italian dressing and pepper.
The night Shiloh came over I made this Mexican dish sans onions since he's allergic (I know, sad existence) that is a lot like chili that I like to serve over tortilla chips and with cheddar cheese. That meal is so flavorful that even without the onions it was still really good.
The banana bread! Looks a hell of a lot more like bread than the brick from the first time. I was able to buy some baking powder, but I still used apple sauce instead of vegetable oil. I think I let it bake a tad too long, but I feel super confident next round it'll be absolutely perfect.
Lady Bug on her perch judging ha.
Hiding behind my laptop.
Made some avocado toast with red onions, olive oil, cayenne, and cherry tomatoes. I clearly am getting bored and decided to play around with presentation and added the sliced apple.
I added a drizzle of balsamic glaze to the toast and then honey to the apple slices, but I am no good at drizzling that shit in any kind of appealing way lol.
And lastly, Friday morning before I put all my laundry away I felt like trying on the last piece of lingerie I had ordered and ended up feeling myself enough to snap some photos. If this was better lighting, you could probably see my nips since it's sheer, but alas it's not and thus this is no different than a bathing suit and I feel fine sharing it. Was not expecting so much underboob, the model's rack was clearly a bit smaller, but I like it and when I can finally reschedule the boudoir shoot, I think I'm really going to enjoy it. I bought myself a package last summer cuz so many people in my life had recently gotten engaged and I was just seeing engagement photo shoots galore and I never did that, and while my Aunt did a fabulous job shooting my wedding, I've just never done a formal photoshoot. There was a sale and I decided so what if I have no family to take cute pictures with, and so what if I don't have a significant other to make a bedroom book for, I'm enjoying being 30 and like my body and it'll be nice to remember it this way when I'm older.
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