Ready

I should already be sleeping, I actually have some work stuff I need to do tomorrow but I'm lost in my thoughts and over analyzing. While my assumption that things with Shiloh would not persist beyond this bizarre bubble of COVID-19 and my impending move to Maryland, it definitely still was not what I wanted. A lot of this past week was the realization it was over yet me still hoping he'd magically decide he wanted me enough to try.

The frequency of communicating is waning as I know it should and also need it to so I can adjust back to the being single mindset, but I'm still finding myself waiting to hear from him and overthinking that I haven't. I ended up getting legit hammered last night on very strong homemade margs while on a three hour video chat with an old work friend who has also moved on to a new firm. We've been on a few group HH together, but it was really nice to get the one on one. I ended up texting Shiloh after I got off with her and that quickly turned into us sending each other illicit images and videos... I'm sure that's part of why I'm feeling extra sensitive I haven't heard from him at all today...

It's not like I regret engaging in that way, I actually really enjoy that kind of interaction and I'm sure it has lots to do with the fact that I enjoy feeling desired, but now that it's clear things were not more than sex it doesn't help me with dismantling the negative thought loops. The physical aspects of a relationship are super important to me and I know I move quicker than most in that regard, but if we don't have that kind of chemistry, I'm really not interested in getting to know you...I have enough family and friends in my life as it is. Yet it's clear this mentality isn't really helping me actually find a relationship...but this idea of playing coy and waiting just sounds like I wouldn't feel like I was being myself and if you're trying to find someone that's going to accept all of you, what is the point in hiding your true desires? I'm an overtly sexual person, I have been since I became sexually active at 17, and that's not changing and if that makes someone uncomfortable well then they're not a good fit.

While dealing with the disappoinment of all that...my dad started acting up and wasn't sending me the money for my twin's insurance lamenting that he's spending all this money for him to not even be getting help... So I ended up covering his payment. This was after my dad renigged on me staying in the family house for free... I don't use this word lightly, but his cunt of a girlfriend fought with him to the point they didn't speak for a week while fucking quarantined together. The rent they wanted to charge me is honestly peanuts, still a great fucking deal, but I never got the ok to bring Lady and the idea of not being with her... Fuck that. So now I'm scrambling to find my own place that I have to move in to before the month is over. I sit here and wonder why I find myself interacting with men who give me nothing but empty words and the reason is because it's all I've fucking known. There are countless times across my life where my father promised the world and never followed through. To be fair, in some cases, and maybe more than I know, the women of his life complicated things... Like my mother suing him for back child support and him not being able to afford that and the portion of my undergraduate degree he had said he'd cover and instead became loans... Or when I went to live with him in New Orleans in 2010 and I was under the impression that I was going to get to share a roof with my father, the parent who always understood me the most and had left when I was 16, for the first time in four years. Instead I was sharing a roof with him and his gf and she didn't like it, she couldn't share him, and I ended up spending more than half of that summer living alone in a hotel. A few years ago he talked me out of buying a house so that I could save more for a down payment and he would help me by covering half of my rent and then would match me. He covered half my rent for two months and then said he couldn't afford it and when I asked later about matching me, it was like the conversation had never occurred. When I told him I wanted to do a big trip abroad for my 30th he said he wanted to finance it and join me for part of it, but when I asked him last winter again it was like the conversation never happened. He instead planned a trip with his gf. It's probably dumb of me that I ever believe him when he says he will help. He eventually sent me the money for my twin, but stated he had a month to get his act together before he's stopping the support so who the fuck knows what that means.

I had a phone therapy session on Thursday and I'm glad I scheduled it even though I felt so ridiculous having to admit I'd allowed myself to yet again be someone's rebound. She ended up telling me I suffer from broken baby bird syndrome. That I come across these seemingly helpless broken men that I think I can save, that I see all their potential, all what they could be and that I think if I can just nurture them enough they'll flourish and then love me for it. It was an apt analogy... But what she said was no matter how much love and understanding and acceptance you pour into someone, that just like only the baby bird can then fly, the inner healing we all have to do, can only be done from within.  Just like only my twin can truly help himself, and only the man could have decided to move forward with his life, only Shiloh can muddle through rebuilding his life after it's swift swift dismantling.

I think perhaps I was clinging hard to the hope of it working out because it really does feel like a big deal I could actually see a future. But maybe that doesn't have a whole lot to do with Shiloh, maybe I've just finally let go of the man enough to be and to see past that one particular life path I so dearly wanted for a very long time. I don't know what this next adventure in Maryland holds for me but while I'm stressed about the logistics, I'm excited for the change. Being divorced for five years happened quicker than I thought but I know I've accomplished so much across that time and have put so much work into healing myself and becoming a better version of me. I just hope that soon I meet someone who is on the other side of that process too, someone who is ready to choose me too.