Additionally though, I'm definitely bumming about things with Shiloh and processing feelings of shame which I'm starting to believe like to clump together. As in every time you feel shameful about something it triggers all the other times too, and in the end shame is often a result of feeling like you aren't what you should be, and at the root, not enough. The shame spiral started when it became clear that whatever we were doing meant more to me, just like it feels clear that all the years of scattered moments with the man meant more to me. Why does the lack of mutuality hurt so much?
Lately I've been mulling over this thought that love does not need to mean commitment to mean something. That you can give love to people in your life through thoughtful actions, active listening, and sometimes just a hug but by no means do they come with the promise that you'll always be around to give those things, and yet that doesn't diminish the original giving of them. I often find myself in a thought loop that because the man didn't choose me, he must not have ever actually loved me. That if he loved me like I love him, he would be with me. More and more I can see that's quite a black and white way to look at it, especially because you really can't ignore the circumstances. I definitely had these expectations of him choosing me back the way I chose him never fully understanding that it was impossible. Never across our entire history was he ever truly available to do that, whereas from the moment we started I had already gone through the grueling process of reclaiming my heart. In the end he never made the choice to put that work in, but that doesn't mean all the moments we shared weren't real or that they didn't mean anything or that he's nothing but a liar. Last summer I wrote that part of me knew that he could love us both, and probably for different reasons, but that he had made real commitments to her. I think it took until recently to understand that him choosing to honor them should not be interpreted as a slight against me.
I knew from the beginning that Shiloh wasn't emotionally available, and I knew I was moving, and I thought it was just fun and whatever. I didn't expect to feel all that I did and I definitely started to wonder that maybe it could be something. That even though timing was off, maybe it was also perfect, that me leaving would slow things down and remove pressure and provide him with a lot of time outside of a relationship to work through things from his past but when I came to town we could still spend time together. We're chatting more regularly recently but definitely in the friends realm which is overall good. I really couldn't stand losing another friend that knows me so well. It's still painful no longer knowing the man.
Someone near the end of April read the crap out of my life, like this one, the one I started when I left my old job, the one from grad school, even the one meant just for the man. When I first noticed I almost threw up, cuz no one has read that one in well over a year, but I know it's not the man. But it made me read back through some of my old stuff out of curiosity, this idea of wondering what would someone think reading through all this. While a lot of it is sad, there's so much reflection and growth captured across the years. While ruminating on the past is definitely not healthy, I think revisiting the past to remind yourself what you've already been through that now feels like a different lifetime can be inspiring. I've decided that for now I'm gonna get through this move, refocus on studying for my licensing exam, and then once I take it I can think about dating again. While part of me looks forward to when this part of my life feels like a lifetime ago, I know there's plenty about now that's worth looking forward to.
And the latest photos of quarantine...
Made some apple pie fridge oats with raisins, actually super delicious and filling and good for me since I'm awful at eating breakfast.
Wine, blueberries, and mango. Ended up throwing the blueberries in the wine and then making some guacamole to go with my polenta.
I woke up that morning with her sitting like that next to the bed.
So this past Saturday I decided to make my grandmother's meatloaf for the first time. However, ended up video chatting my sister longer than I meant to and then a longer shower, and then forgot I'd never opened my blender.... Soooo I basically finished putting together a little before ten pm and it takes about two hours to bake... So yea I ate meatloaf at midnight but it was delicious and surprisingly easy to make.
I attempted the pin curls again, was a tad more successful.
I hadn't seen her in a while and walked over the bed and she was partially snuggled in the blanket so I wrapped around and I don't think she was pleased haha
I think we're both going to miss this view.
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