I decided it was time to deactivate my social media accounts again to get serious about this last month of studying, but I checked through my memories for the day just now and came across a note I wrote three years ago just over a month after the man had completely blindsided me with the break up and I honestly have never been more hurt, and this is coming from someone who has been unasked to be a bridesmaid by one of their oldest friends, and had a parent kick them out of their apartment and put them up in a hotel because their girlfriend didn't like them.... so like that's saying something.
Rainy lazy Sunday thoughts
Life is made up of "Befores" and "Afters" that change you for the better or for the worse. While these moments can be life events or unforseen circumstances, they are often accompanied by someone entering or leaving your life, both of which can turn into blessings or lessons and it's up to you to decide how to frame that within your life narrative. I'll never subscribe to the belief that when things don't work out how you expected them to, that it means it wasn't worth it, or was all a waste of time. I just don't think it's ever that black and white.
Oftentimes when someone hurts you immensely it's easy to respond with anger, at them, and to yourself when you begin to run through all the things you could have done differently to change the outcome. But maybe when someone hurts you to the degree where you wonder if you ever even knew them, they don't currently know themselves, and there's nothing you can do to help them, and it's honestly best to part ways. Give yourself a chance to see what else is in store for you. However, should your paths align again, it'll be your choice to forgive or to continue to love from afar cuz lord knows once deep feelings form, they are always there, they just get a little bit fainter over time.
There's so much emphasis to be happy, and put on a brave face, but the notion that emotions like anger, sadness, and fear are negative, is dangerous. Emotions are natural responses to our surroundings, data points if you will, that are there to help inform you about how you should react in any given situation. You are not your emotions. Susan David in this amazing book called "Emotional Agility" references Viktor Frankl, a psychiatrist who survived a Nazi death camp and then went on to write "Man's Search for Meaning". In it Frankl says that "between stimulus and response there is a space" and "in that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom."
Some may think to forgive is naïve and foolish and perhaps sometimes it can be, but we're all only human and we all can be impulsive and reckless and do things that don't always align with what we truly want. I think to forgive is brave optimism, a choice to always see the good and I refuse to let anything in this life turn me permanently bitter.
I felt so proud reading this knowing that even in the depths of that hurt I had moments of clarity and being able to see the big picture and that I truly didn't allow the experience to turn me bitter. I'm still the same hopeless romantic optimist that I was then, just had a lot of triggers to process and now move slower in relationships these days, but my belief that what I was after is out there hasn't really waned. In fact, that annoying voice that says I haven't gone through everything that I have to settle is what's making it difficult to feel settled in my now. I truly adore Champlain, and I want to let myself fall into it, but because the long term feels untouchable with him, I'm holding back. In four months I'll turn 32 and this idea of starting a family at 35 feels super close all of a sudden. I want the opportunity to have at least two years of marriage child free to create a strong foundation of what we look like without the stress of child rearing, to bank a bunch of memories to pull from when we need to and so when you do the math, that means getting married at 33. Sooooo yea, I feel like I'm running out of time.
I think part of why Jane the Virgin was as triggering as it was is because part of that story echoed the day dream I once had where the man and I had a little boy together, just like Jane and Raf and that while Raf had love for Petra and of course cared most about being a good father to his twin daughters, he and Jane were meant to be, just like believed I was made for the man. There was definitely a time where I thought how perfect that would all be, be a part time mother figure for a few years and then when I was ready to have my world turned upside down, we'd have one of our own, and ideally a little boy and I would have my inner idea of a perfect family with three kids. Last weekend with my sister and after binging JTV, I finally grieved the part of me that had been so eager to be able love on these twin baby girls that I'd been watching grow up and had worried about from afar for almost their entire lives. It's wild to be sad about the loss of something that never existed, just only in your dreams.
While a life with the man would not have been easy, I know that I was very capable of handling it with grace but I do try to take solace in the fact that I don't have to navigate something like that. I do have the true freedom of having a clean slate with someone and making our own family that doesn't have to ever be shared or part time, and for the most part these days I'm so happy for the man that he doesn't have to miss out on anything from his daughter's lives.
Right now I'm telling myself I don't have to make any decisions until I'm vaccinated, but I'm still over thinking a bit about meeting Champlain's mother this weekend. I really want to be building towards a future with someone and I'm just not secure enough in this relationship for that to feel like that's what I'm doing.
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