Strangers

"I don't want to be strangers"

That was the phrase that caused me to open back up to someone that had already broken my heart once before. The next two years would turn into this on again off again mess of confusion and extreme pain. Now, we're very close to truly becoming strangers. Every other time things imploded, it never really felt like it was over, no matter how hard I was trying to convince myself that it was, and that it was also for the best that it was. There was the potential to see him twice in the last two weeks, but it didn't happen and even though I know that it's a good thing, I'm still having to acknowledge my disappointment. I still seem to be quite distressed by the idea of it actually being over. I'm trying so hard to be open and willing to meet other people and to get to know them, but not much is happening for me on the emotional side of things and it's truly making me feel a little bit broken. His birthday is this week and I have found myself day dreaming about how if things were different, if he was mine, that I would have planned to take advantage of a long weekend and go somewhere to celebrate.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm just so stuck because I'm tired...because the idea of getting to know someone else and their life feels daunting and I'm just eager to already be at that level of understanding and comfort. That I just miss having someone to plan a future with. I think I'm also stuck cuz I'm stubborn and can't accept that I was so fucking wrong about someone. Never before had a person felt like home, it gave me a sureness about wanting to be with him I had never experienced and have yet to experience again. I have ideas about what I'm holding out for, and so many encounters start off so promising, but for whatever reason I still haven't felt any kind of long term potential. Just these situations where I know I could have fun for a few years, that they would treat me well, but it would never be what I ultimately want, so what's the point, and so I bail, and I'm sure that has to be confusing as hell for these men, because there is chemistry and a connection... just not the desire to share my life with them.

I'm hoping this funk I've been in lately is really just related to the increased potential of possibly seeing him and that soon I'll be a little more present in what's going on and not so fucking sad. I heard that song, "If the world was ending" back in mid December and it made me bawl the first time cuz I knew, the only person I'd want to see would be him, but I know I wouldn't be his. I find myself playing it a lot and I just fucking hate this feeling of being stuck and feeling so small, I'm really fucking bored of it. My twin keeps telling me I just haven't met anyone worthy yet, that it's gonna happen and I just need to try my best to be patient.  I'm just sick of the amount of mental space my love life is fucking occupying. Maybe it's time to take a break from all of it again and try again in the spring, when it's easier to be more optimistic.