Unwavering

First day of not just a new year but a brand spanking new decade and I'm sitting on a bed in a room I've never been in before today. I have found myself volunteering to chill at the house of my technically ex-step-Zayda's girlfriend's son's house as like a mostly hands off babysitter while the son and his family are away on vacation. It doesn't really seem like it's particularly important I be here, but just more of a fail safe and allowing my step mother (technically ex... her and my father split when I was in college) and her sister to relax a bit since my Zayda has Alzheimer's. This blended family of mine can certainly be such a bear to explain to people...it's always interesting to see how some of the men I've been going out on dates with react to the convolutedness of it all.  It's definitely why for me, the holidays are mostly stressful and I don't ever really look forward to them. It's a lot of running around and driving to try and manage to see all the different camps. I still have two family get-togethers this coming Saturday that I'll have to leave one early and get to the other one late.  Seriously in need of some alone time and vegging the fuck out and I'm not sure I'm going to have the opportunity for that any time soon. If I really feel burned out before I have that chance I might take some PTO, I'm really not trying to start things off ignoring my body's signals.

I'm pretty excited for this decade and honestly have no real agenda for where I hope to be by the end of it. I definitely have goals and ideas but it truly feels like life could go in a number of different directions at this point. Getting married again and starting a family is certainly a potential, but no longer one I have strong feelings about needing to happen. I've been thinking a lot about adoption lately and orphans in general and have this idea bouncing around in this head of mine about starting a group home at some point. I'm also currently obsessed with the idea of buying  a house of  my own with the intent of my twin living with me and really making it a home and safe space for both of us. To live with someone who loves me and does have my best interests at heart. That maybe if we both could learn what it feels like to have that support we will stop engaging in relationships that are not healthy for us. I also love the idea of having at least one extra room for guests and space for him to do his art and maybe even having an additional room where maybe we foster kids who have no where else to go and I can start to learn more about that world and that process.  I want to own something because I want the security of knowing I'm gonna be there for a good long while and then can allow myself to get invested and involved in my local community and possibly running for office. Lately I keep having thoughts about wanting to a write a memoir and using my journals as the structure for it. I recently wrote a short story to help process some of my heart ache and it was definitely something I enjoyed, so maybe I should take that thought a little more seriously.  And as always, so many plans and ideas for future adventure trips, vacations, and concerts. I am so pumped for all the places I will see and all the amazing food I will eat and the beautiful music I will hear.  So many options and so many paths I really can't wait to see where I land.

I can't remember the last time I felt this excited and hopeful and optimistic. I'm smiling as I type this and I sincerely hope I can manage to hold on to this feeling. Even though I know there will be times across this next decade where it will be so hard to find that silver lining, I have a strange sense of knowing that I'll always manage to bring myself back to this place of hopefulness. While perhaps this trait has caused me to potentially be delusional about certain situations, my unwavering optimism about the potential that life has to offer may be my favorite quality.  Cheers to 2020 and all of what lays ahead.