I'm technically done for the day, weird to be done this early, but I got in early, needed to for a project, but also getting myself acclimated to a new schedule cuz work has agreed to let me leave early on Tuesdays and Thursdays so that I can attend the live lectures for the prep course I signed up. Not psyched at all to have to study for this 8 hour god forsaken licensing exam yet again, but feeling better about actually having the time to put in that I need to. I truly tried to carve it out this fall, but between a really demanding client, worry for my twin, and my study schedule going completely sideways the last two weeks with my MIA study buddy and then my Aunt dying... It just was so hard to focus at the actual test. I remember sitting there and looking at the questions and knowing I knew how to do them, but not being able to calm myself enough to put my thoughts together and just having flashes to my family and wishing I was with everyone as they prepared for the funeral. I actually cried in the bathroom at one point...
But life happens, I have to figure out how to make sure that this time, no matter what unforeseen shit happens, I still put this first cuz I need to. I can't get to what is next in my career without this. I'm starting to feel the pressure of things with my twin lift, he got word on Friday that his insurance has been re-instated, and I wrote him a check yesterday for his first payment after he finally went to the recovery center with me to talk to an admissions counselor. He seems to be on board with a one week in-patient stay. I actually cried while we were there cuz I'm just so fucking relieved that real professionals are going to be able to help him. I've felt so helpless with this situation for over a year now and it feels so good to feel like we're making progress.
I also feel a bit lighter because yesterday morning I told the guy I've been seeing the last six weeks that I'm not as over something as I thought I was...and then that afternoon I deactivated all my profiles and uninstalled all the dating apps from my phone. There's a few people I was chatting with where it got to the point of exchanging numbers, and maybe 1st dates will still occur, but not because I'll be trying. I think I just need a break from it all and there is no need for the distraction of boys when this test needs to be my priority. Six weeks is not a very long time, but six weeks was all it was the first time with the man I can't forget and so it very much makes me feel like if I know I wouldn't miss this person, well then I'm just leading them on. It was nice having someone to listen to the nothings of my day, but when he came over on Thursday and I made us dinner and we watched Crazy Stupid Love at his suggestion and Steve Carell's character had a speech about soulmates I sure as shit wasn't thinking about the dude next to me...
I have no idea how long I'm gonna be stuck wishing for a different ending than that of strangers. Every logical and rational part of me believes I already should be, but the way my heart still hurts, and the way my heart feels so empty in the presence of others, I just know that I am not past it. I'm not really sure what it is that I can do to help myself move past it other than to just keep doing my best to be honest with where I'm at.
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