Lately I feel stuck in a weird ass loop. I shattered my phone while in St. Croix over the holidays but my screen protector kept all the glass in place and it still works, so I haven't bothered to fix it yet. Literally the only noticeable annoyance is that when I try to use the front facing camera the cracks across the lens create a weird reflection occasionally and depending on the lighting. The last time I had a cracked screen like this was in 2014 and I took a long time to fix it then too and honestly I think it had to do with the fact that it felt like an outward representation of how broken I felt inside. It feels so absurd that now 5.5 years later I'm still dealing with the same heartbreak I was then and perhaps my reluctance to fix my phone is again because a piece of me finds comfort in the tangible proof that I am broken.
Recently a random man I messaged on a dating app well over a year ago found his way to my instagram dms expressing that he has been reading my "travel blog" and regretted never replying to me. I laughed at him calling it a travel blog because it sure as shit hasn't been that since I got back from my trip. It is a little unnerving to truly realize a stranger could read these words of mine and learn an awful lot about me and my life and what I'm going through. At the same time it somehow makes me feel less alone. It also was a sincere boost in confidence when he said he enjoyed reading it. A few months ago after drinks with some old co-workers one of the women said after I had told a recent story about my life that she was still waiting for me to write that memoir. The idea of writing a memoir often feels so self-involved and narcissistic, but at the same time immensely therapeutic and possibly a little bit hopeful that it would offer comfort to even just one other person that there's so much more life on the other side of whatever it is you're currently dealing with.
I'm currently in Denver visiting my best friend that moved away this summer and her going away happy hour was the last time I saw the man whose voice I'm starting to forget. I've missed her so much and it has been so nice spending so much time with her but at the same time hard because she has been a part of my life only since this hurt began, and was really there for me when it got really hard after various other implosions. I can't help but associate her with those times in my life, but I know I am quite a mirror for her in that regard as well. At the end of the day though I'm immensely grateful for the friendship and wish she wasn't so far away. I found myself a month ago researching jobs in Denver... I was having the same pull I felt when things imploded the first time about wanting to run away and start over somewhere. I truly did attempt to move back to California on my own terms but in the end decided I couldn't do it just to get away, it had to be more in line with an overall life purpose reason. So instead of leaving I ended up going to grad school, and instead of living in one more city, I stayed right at home in Philly. I have zero regrets about that decision, I know the people I met through that program and the education I received was exactly what I needed and will continue to propel me towards the future I want for myself. I think the reason I even considered the idea of moving to Denver was because currently I'm desperate for relief from the way I've been feeling lately. While I think I would enjoy living out here, it's not home, home for me is where my family is, and that very much includes those I've chosen as my family.
I'm not particularly enjoying how pathetic and weak I've been feeling as of late and there's definitely parts of me that rebuke the sentiment of being broken, but I don't think it should be a shameful thing to admit to yourself or your world as you perceive it that you don't feel like yourself. I have no idea how long I will continue to feel just a little bit off, and how long these intense bouts of sadness and grief over someone who never actually let themselves truly be in my life will assault me with little warning...but I do know that just like everything in this life, what is now is not my forever. I know with conviction this too shall pass and I won't feel so broken and I will be able to love someone deeply again and I will find that elusive feeling of home.
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