I decided the other day to take a break from all of social media, just deactivated facebook and instagram, and deleted everything off my phone. Some of it was to avoid the time suck that I just can't afford at the moment with everything going on with my twin, and work, and studying, but I know part of it was to stop the trigger of those god forsaken memories. My memories the last few weeks have been abundant with shit from two years ago where I was crushed after things ended when I honestly had no idea they were about to... I posted a lot, and apparently as my sister has pointed out to me, I do that when I'm not okay. Which makes sense, I think we all desire connection when we don't want to be here...we want something to make us remember why it's worth sticking out the lows.
I've spent this week battling with my twin about not backing out of his inpatient stay, and it's been stressful as fuck, especially since my dad was trying to book flights to make sure he was around for the family session. Luckily my sister was willing to look into one of the other programs I researched over the summer but they don't allow participants to start their out patient program without going through detox first. I somehow was able to convince him that even though he's scared, he deserves this, he deserves a week to only have to worry about his recovery and nothing else. I was able to go through the insurance verification process for him last night since I know all of his info, including his SSN... it will probably irk me until the day I die that he was assigned his number first even though I was born first, but it's definitely come in handy lately that I know it. I cried hard after I got off the phone with them, I don't think I've been fully aware how much of a burden all of this has been on my mental health.
I'm glad it's Friday and hopefully my fun plans with my twin tonight and my sister tomorrow will keep me from wallowing and focusing too deeply on the fact that it's been a year now since I've touched the man I thought was the love of my life. Today marks a year since the last chance I had to hug him and didn't fucking do it... we had met up for lunch and he had to run off and I just sat there eating my food. I think about that more than I would like... I wish I had gotten up, but how could I have known that weekend would result in a conversation that would mean the end yet again.
I looked into the feasibility of buying that house I keep dreaming of this summer and my student loans are just a tad too fucking much so at the moment I'm debating about temporarily moving to Maryland. Work is in the midst of starting up an office down there, I work on the main project, I'm down there more and more lately, and I have an option to live for free in my dad's townhouse and pay down some of these loans and save more money. With my twin starting a real program, he should be more stable by the time my lease is up...It might be nice to get away from all the things that remind me of what was and what could have been.
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