Love is not Pie

An interaction with a married friend  yesterday who currently feels undesirable and knows what I've been through, caused me to admit that I have a subconscious belief that I deserve to be alone because of what I did. That I am only good for inciting desire, but not worth building a life with. That this deep loneliness I feel is my punishment.

When things imploded the first time the unavailable man I had fallen in love with intimated that he didn't care about his own happiness. I remember telling him that of course there would be consequences for his actions, but by no means did he deserve to spend a lifetime being unhappy. It's wild how much easier it is to have compassion for others versus compassion for yourself.  I've missed him more lately and have been yearning for him to reach out and I'm sure it has a lot to do with it being the anniversary of it being over, and knowing it's the anniversary of him learning of his wife's infidelity. I remember dates in a way that I'm not sure has ever been healthy... I give meaning to everything in a way that feels unhealthy but as I'm thinking about it now in a removed headspace the fact that I can give meaning to the littlest of things makes my life quite rich.  I can be quite spontaneous and often am winging it, but everything I do has meaning, has purpose and I know I prefer it that way. It's just a double edged sword when it comes to integrating the past. I know quite firmly that love is not pie, that having feelings for one, does not diminish the feelings for another. I know that relationships change and grow, and wax and wane but nothing now erases what was. I once told the man that the love I have for him could never be a mistake and I still feel that way with every fiber of my being, even though there are times my sad heart wishes to forget all of the memories.

I had the privilege of experiencing an all consuming love, one that filled me with such joy and an eagerness to be here, to live loudly and excited for all that was to come. Some people never get to feel that way and even though it didn't last, and even though it never became the someday we once talked about, I am grateful for the experience. I think I've known it all along, but a love like that will never truly leave me, but it doesn't mean I can't love someone else. I think I've been wanting the love to go away, to not still miss him, and then it would feel like I had let go and moved on. I'm not sure it works like that, I think it's going to be more of an acceptance of this love and allowing my heart to expand to love others.

The conversation about a move to Maryland has progressed and seeming more likely but it feels right. It feels like the next step to keep pushing towards a life of abundance and I don't even care how fucking cheesy that sounds. I cried myself to sleep last night and am surprised at the way I'm currently feeling but I think there's such truth in acknowledging that we are meant to experience our emotions in their fullness so we can then be released from them. If you try to suppress them, they end up trapped inside you and eventually manifest in a way that is very rarely productive.