COVID-19 aside, the last few days of my life have been a roller coaster. Sunday night I was supposed to finally drop off my twin to the inpatient facility. I had initially hoped to do it early evening but he stalled, asked to do dinner together and watch the debate. So we did and it was a really nice night despite feeling how on edge he was. Eventually I got him to agree it was time and we drove over to the facility around 10:30. We then proceeded to sit in the parking lot for an hour and a half. He completely freaked out and was incredibly torn and I did my best to just be calm, to listen, and let him know I wasn't our parents, that if he didn't do this I wasn't going to be disappointed in him and laud it over him. That all I wanted was to make sure he finally got the help he deserved and has been asking for and this was an option, one I didn't see any negatives from. It was a draining and exhausting experience, but in the end I think an important one. He kept saying that all his life he just went with the flow of what everyone else was telling him to do, and was the right thing but that acquiescing to our father having deduced him down to nothing more than an addict, wasn't it. He was like "I need professional help, mentally and physically, but allowing dad to spend the money for a stay like this when he could spend that on paying down one of my student loans, I'm just going to seethe in anger". I have no idea how much of what transpired was him manipulating me or him finally putting his foot down and accepting he needs help, but on his own terms. At one point he said " I hate the life I've carved out for myself" which broke my fucking heart...We also talked about how he was feeling a lot of shame at the idea of needing rehab...I think everyone struggles with asking for help, and I'm sure needing help to that degree is harder to wrap your head around. He acknowledged that so many of his struggles stem from his low self esteem and he was afraid that going through a program like this would strip him of what little he had left. I tried to encourage him that this would be a safe space and that part of the reason I was in support was because they acknowledged addiction is just a symptom of often various underlying causes and he was like "I know what my problem is, it's my chronic pain", to which I responded "Well then great you have a leg up on everyone else. You've been begging to have access to doctors and psychiatrists and here you go, you have a whole week to have their audience and you could come out of this at least with a diagnosis. Yes, you could go see a doctor and psychiatrist outside of something like this, but getting appointments and enough of them to reach a diagnosis can take months in a regular functioning world, who knows how long it will take right now and Dad is only paying for one year of your health insurance."
I tried so hard but to no avail and I'm struggling so hard to shake these feelings of failure. The friend now more came over on Monday and made us dinner and we watched the rest of the Mandalorian and holy cow does baby Yoda give me baby fever. I was really grateful to have him here, for the support and the distraction. He mentioned at one point that he talks to his mom about most things, and I actually met his mother, step father and sister on Friday when he invited me over for dinner and to stay over. A little while later I was like, "So if you chat with your mom about everything, what does she have to say about you hanging out with me so soon after everything you're going through". To which he replied well I haven't talked to her about that, and asked me why, and I was like well "I want to know what you think about it and this felt like a good segue to bring it up". He basically said that he hasn't thought too much about it but that he's really enjoying hanging out, which I was like yea me too, but I'm moving to Maryland and he was like I know. That was the end of the conversation...I have no idea what is going to come of it and I'm trying for once to just not worry about the eventual. I've really needed someone to be there for me instead of worrying about everyone else in my life and he has certainly been that. Friday night in his bed he told me "You have such a genuine smile", and I responded "It's easy to have a genuine smile when you're genuinely happy". I've felt cared for in a way I haven't in probably a decade and I keep telling myself no matter the outcome I deserve this right now. It was so fun to be in his childhood house and see photos of him as a kid, I really like his mom too...but it sucked that there were moments where I remembered how badly I wanted to reach this place with the man... how badly I wanted to know all about his childhood and where he came from...
Perhaps once I leave for MD whatever it has been will fade out, hopefully in a more conscious way cuz I'm not sure I could handle losing another friend that means this much to me. I've been reflecting a lot lately on how things with the man really never were much more than a physical thing that was pretty much always a secret. There have been times where I have wondered if when I asked for space to pursue something with someone else who was willing to try if I just pushed him back into his life when he had made such progress... he had told his family, friends, and boss that he was getting a divorce. He had even filed paperwork and when we were last in regular contact he had been apartment hunting. Apparently two months after my request they got a new dog, and by the time I came home from my trip I had to ask him if they were giving it a go again. While part of me knows that with having never been anything real he didn't owe me anything, the side of me that has always been his friend, not the side of me that is the woman in love with him, knows I did deserve a goodbye and I did deserve to have him tell me himself that he was choosing to stay in his marriage. The moments I wonder if I made the right call I go back to my old blog and read through my thoughts and I remember in full force how fucking worthless the situation made me feel and no matter how much I may still miss him and love him, I was so very right to end what was going on and to give myself a chance at letting go and finding someone that values me. Lately I've been trying to focus on the fact that I only ever heard a very one sided story of his marriage and that perhaps it really was something worth saving and that he is happy. Perhaps all we were ever meant to be was secret lovers, and nothing more... Reminds me of a quote that I love and used to have hanging on my quote wall.
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