Scattered

Sometimes it feels like I'm disproportionately surrounded by sad men that I can't actually help.  All I want to do is fix it, make it better, take their pain away, but it feels like all I do is listen, and is that enough? Burdman texted me stupid late on Saturday obviously in the midst of another drinking binge, but this time he actually said the phrase " I don't want to be alive".  I didn't see them right away he sent them at 3:30 in the morning, but luckily I was awake and as soon as I did I asked if he needed me to come over and he just said no and then stopped responding, and wouldn't answer his phone. I spent the next hour convincing myself that driving over there was a gross overreaction. I so badly wanted to reach out to the man to ask him what to do because I truly didn't know but in the end I decided that perhaps I was wanting a "valid" reason to reach out to him and there was no point. So I wrote in the blog that no one reads... the one I use when the urge to talk to him is too much and I just need to get it out of my head...it helps, it really does, but this situation is different. This isn't just me missing him and still wanting him in my life, this is me still thinking about that night and wondering if our mutual and close friend truly needs help and how do I help them?

Just because you don't drink every day, doesn't mean you don't have a drinking problem... does he drink to the point of not wanting to be here, or does he always feel like he doesn't want to be here and the drinking allows him to admit it? I genuinely don't know the answer to that, but I know neither is good.  Luckily that night as I was crying in my bed freaking the fuck out, a friend that has recently become more than a friend, happened to respond to a text I sent him. He helped me calm down and I was so grateful that I had someone, even if what's happening right now may not be anything more than a rebound situation. We met up a few weeks ago after I learned about things imploding with his gf of over two years that he was living with... Funny how right before this I had decided to give up on dating entirely for the moment, and now someone is asking me about my day, offering to make me dinner so I don't have to worry about one more thing, and cleaned all the dishes from a meal I made us. I really am such an acts of service kind of person, I'm not sure anyone has ever done the dishes for me and the fact he did it without me even saying anything, without even grumbling about it, it meant so much to me.

I have no idea if he should be one more moving part to be considered as I make my decision about Maryland... I don't even know how to ask him that. We've been friends for nearly five years now, and he's been a wonderful friend to me. When I was in grad school he used to let me crash at his place and take naps, or use his printer, he even picked me up from the airport at 1 in the morning and his car broke down! He so hasn't finished processing what he's going through, this last gf was the longest and most serious thing he has been in so far and it ended with cheating which is such a mind fuck. He seems to also be a bit lost in his professional life and dealing with some health issues and frankly just a bit of a mess. I have no idea if it could become more, or even if I want it to, I just know that I'm so sick of being a band aid for men's egos. I want to share my life with someone and I'm getting so fucking impatient for that person to show up.   

I feel scattered as fuck lately and clearly not focused at work nor have I been dedicated to studying and that's a real problem. With my twin continuing to capitulate about everything and my dad now cancelling his trip to the mainland my focus has been elsewhere...my life feels relentless.